YOUR PORN is getting on MY NERVES! ;)

Okay, fellow business travellers…I know you are away from home. You miss the wifeyย (or the hubby). You are lonely , bored at the hotel, and in need of some serious girl-on-girl action, but your porn watching makes my enjoyment of Rookie Blue, Season 4 on Amazon Streaming Video next to impossible!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

I can be watching my shows with great HD quality, little-to-no buffering and be having a dandy ole time until PORN HOUR hits! Then it all goes to hell in a handbag. I guess it’s that sweet spot between dinner and going to bed when every man (and I guess some chicks) in the hotel logs onto their favorite skin site and now I can’t watch my dang show.

Can you please just download some good spankbank material to your local drive so that you don’t have to view it streaming? Pretty please? I simply cannot watch TV with commercials in it anymore so the TV hanging on the wall is essentially useless and I have to depend on Netflix or Amazon for commercial-free bliss. Help a sister out here? ๐Ÿ˜‰

Yeah, yeah, I’m horrible and selfish!!! I know you need your porn. BufferingBut can you maybe do it in the morning (you KNOW your morning wood demands it!) instead of at night so the rest of us can watch a TV show online without staring at a buffering indicator for 20 minutes? ๐Ÿ˜‰

(In all seriousness, I’m kidding. ๐Ÿ™‚ I just crack up when all of a sudden the Wi-fi takes a huge hit at about the same time each night. I picture every other room in the hotel being filled with wildly whacking wankers and it makes me giggle.)

HUGS!

duck

Someone PLEASE take my mom’s smartphone away from her! PLEASE!!!

Oh my good God. Nothing is more entertaining than trying to watch my mom manage a smartphone.

Image credit: http://joyreactor.com

Image credit: http://joyreactor.com

Bless her septuagenarianย heart, but I’m thinking a flip phone is really all she can handle without giving me gray hair. (Which, by the way, I got my FIRST FUCKING GRAY HAIR LAST MONTH! WHAT THE SHIT?! I’M STILL YOUNG DAMMIT! Of course, Mom told me to keep that fact to myself and never tell anyone, but I just had to share my horror. It was only one, so I’m going with the thought that it’s an aberration. Yep. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!) ๐Ÿ™‚

Okay, so back to Mom. When she got her Samsung Galaxy 4 (my sweet sister got it for her) I knew she’d be overwhelmed, so I removed every possible button that she could touch that might have her accidentally ordering a car or creating a twitter account. God forbid!

I also taught her how to use only those things that were relevant to her daily life (calling, texting and emailing). She wanted to know, “What does that button do? What about that one? That button looks pretty…” Me: “Don’t look at the pretty buttons Mom. You don’t need them. They are bad and will immediately electrocute you and cost Becky (my sister) $3,000 if you touch it.” Honestly, I removed every dang button I could and got her down to one homescreen as swiping is such a foreign concept to her that it hurt my brain.

Now, keep in mind that for a great deal of my life I’ve been a trainer in one way or another. Whether it was via live TV, in person, on videoย or writing training documentation, I can train like a MO FO. I can pretty much train anyone on anything. Seriously, it’s one of my few talents. But nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, can ever prepare one for training their 74 year old mom how to use a smartphone.

To show you how adorable and tech-challenged my mom is, I want to share with you the first texts she ever sent me on her new Galaxy. Knowing that she wouldn’t like typing out a text I taught her how to use the voice recognition. This phone has the best voice recognition of anything I’ve ever experienced. I love it and use it all the time. Occasionally it’ll come up with something whacky, but usually it’s spot on. Except with my mom.

Let me set the stage for this text: I was out of town on business and needed her help with some deliveries that were coming to the house.

This text exhange had me rolling on the floor laughing.ย  I hope you enjoy it too. ๐Ÿ™‚

ME: Hi Mommy!!!! I just got a notification that I got a delivery at the house today. If you go out tomorrow would you mind swinging by the house and putting the delivery inside for me? I sure would appreciate it. If you can’t though, don’t worry about it. ๐Ÿ™‚

I love my little mommy. ๐Ÿ™‚

I would call you but I’m still out at a late working dinner with my coworkers. LOVE MOMMY!!!

MOM: Jedi I just got your message I had my phone charging that I will absolutely get your package in your house tomorrow I love you I’m talking this out I hoe it is readable I love you BB T Queen Anne have a wonderful night and day tomorrow love you

MOM (two days later): Jedi I don’t know if this is working it keeps coming up and telling me that Google is up not working so anyway I’m trying to let you know that my rest cme out at 6 o’clock and it was so tough after even after 4 hours of cooking that I could not even hardly cut it with a knife to take a little tip piece f s*** and I took that little piece and stuck it in my mouth it was so test that its cleat when I get out Judit s like a noise that you could bake if yo were doing and research I wanted to let you know that there would be no its tomorrow but I can bring you a pizza

ME: You are so dang adorable.ย  I love you for trying to make a frozen roast tender and yummy. Sweetest mommy ever. We would love a pizza tomorrow. Thank you. You are such a loving mama.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚ I have your Humectress. ๐Ÿ™‚ Love you!

MOM: Baby jedi!ย  That message is crazy and cut off before i finished!ย  W

MOM (separate text): e’ll talk later in english โ™ก !ย ย  Love mommy

ME: I love your crazy text. I giggled myself silly! Sweet dreams.ย  Love mommy!

That woman is so damn cute and adorable I could hug her til she pops!!! The great thing here, and what humbles me, is that she knows how to make a heart in a text and I don’t even know how to do that! Now I’ll have to ask her to teach me something new.

Mommy and me a few months ago. She's so dang cute!

Mommy and me a few months ago. She’s so dang cute!

It’s texts like these (and she did bring us a pizza the next day because she rules) that remind me how much fun my mom is. She may be 74, but she might as well be 30. She is sweet and loving and has such a good sense of humor about herself. Thank God for my mommy.

Well, off to bed I go! I hope you all have a great weekend and enjoyed my little mommy story. ๐Ÿ™‚ HUGS!

I miss my favorite word, so YOU have to suffer!

Alrighty then. I’m sneaking writing this post on a computer that I shouldn’t be on, but I’m a rule breaker dammit, so I’m doin’ it anyway! ๐Ÿ˜‰

First, may I tell you that I’ve been working my poor little brain to a nub. And I’ve had to do it in a professional environment. And you know what that means don’t you? It means I’ve not been able to say, “Fuck” nearly enough and I’m in withdrawl. I mean SERIOUS withdrawl. It’s just my favorite word…

As a tribute to it, I’m nabbing pics off the internet that make me happy. They are all awful and offensive and no one should view this blog from HERE down.

image credit: thaumaturgical.com

image credit: thaumaturgical.com

image from: thaumaturgical.com

image from: thaumaturgical.com

thaumaturgical.com

thaumaturgical.com

Image Credit: s50.photobucket.com

Image Credit: s50.photobucket.com

Image Credit: www.demotivationalposters.org GOTTA LOVE A BAD ASS ANTEATER!

Image Credit: http://www.demotivationalposters.org
GOTTA LOVE A BAD ASS ANTEATER!

Whew…I feel so much better now!

I hope you have enjoyed my hideously foul mouth (well, not really mouth…fingers? attitude? hmmm…). If not, I’m terribly sorry, but I warned you, remember?

Okay, I have to get back to the day job. I hope at least some of these made you giggle and not just recoil from your screen.

Love you guys!

…til my next computer theiving adventure. ๐Ÿ™‚ XOXO

OH! I almost hit Publish before I mentioned that my newest article in The Acquiring Man magazine just came out. If you want some tips for being happy (and, of course, getting nookie) go read it. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

 

I LOVE COWIES (and other furries), DAMMIT!!

Woo hoo! I nabbed a computer for a few hours and had to jump on here and say hi. I miss you guys! I feel like I live back in the 80s before the Internet and awesome blog buddies and all that good stuff.

While I wait for my currently technologically-challenged life to get back to normal, I thought I’d share a few more pics from my Bearizona adventure. They make me smile just looking at them.

Love you guys! Have a great weekend and I hope to be back to my normal blathering self soon. XOXOXOXOX

BABY BEAR BUTT

BABY BEAR BUTT!!!! What on earth is as cute as that???

HUGS!!!

BABY BEAR

Grrrrr…I’m a ferocious bear! Grrrrr….. (I wanted to EAT him!) ๐Ÿ™‚

COWIE

Moo. Moo moo. Moo. They walked right in front of the car and just hung out. It was awesome!!!

CUTIE BEAR

If this little furry doesn’t define what a Doofus Bear is, I don’t know what would. ๐Ÿ™‚

HUGS!