Starting Diet. Wanna Die.

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Okay, I don’t actually want to die. But I do want to ask God why chocolate, pizza and french fries can’t have the nutritional value of broccoli? WHY GOD? WHY? It’s just so unfair!!!!pizza frenchfries

In reality, I rarely eat any of that. I bet I have pizza once every 2 months or so. French fries every 3 months or so. Chocolate…well…more than that, but only dark chocolate and only in very small doses.

The big problem is that I’ve had thyroid issues for 25 years and hideous, horrible, ungodly, spend-a-zillion-years-at-the-doctor’s-office cortisol problems for almost 20. I’ve had cortisol problems for so long that when I was first diagnosed no one had ever heard of it. They’d say, “Do you mean cortisone, honey? (like I’m an idiot)” I’d say, “No, cortisol. Your fight or flight hormone??” “What’s that?” they’d say. It used to drive me crazy. And trust me, being in a constant state of fight or flight is a delightful way to live. NOT! 😉 (Oh, and the people asking for the cortisol/cortisone clarification were DOCTORS! I don’t expect us regular people to know what it is…but doctors? WTF?)

The way the cortisol stuff all started, almost 20 years ago, is that I went from a lithe 140 pounds to 180 in a month. I kid you not. It was horrible! I didn’t know what the fuck was going on.  I had black stretch marks all over me. I was barely eating. It was a nightmare.

So off to the endocrinologist I went. They tested me for everything. I had to pee in a jug for 24 hours. I had to be drained of blood every few hours for an entire day. I had to do spit tests. I was told that I had Cushing’s Disease. Addison’s Disease. I got over 12 MRIs and CAT scans. I was put on every drug known to mankind. I was told I had a brain tumor. An adrenal tumor.  Which, by the way, I still get MRIs every few years to locate as my doctors think it’s a sneaky micro-tumor hiding somewhere in my adrenals or pituitary. Basically, it’s been a clusterfuck forever.

I’m severely hypothyroid with a TSH of 16 (if you know about TSH you know that’s 4-to-5 times the highest it should be depending on what scale the doc uses) and a T4 and T3 that are a nightmare too. But no drugs work. Oh, and I’m hot all the time, which is the exact opposite of what a hypothyroid person should be.  I have a ton of other nonsensical symptoms that are completely and utterly adverse to my blood work. It’s so fucking frustrating I could scream.

I’ve had endos fire me as their patient before. Yep, you heard me. FIRED by my doctor. The lazy ones get tired of not being able to fix me. They get frustrated by my weird symptoms and apparent resistance to all medication and give up. Lovely right? Anyone ever heard of the Hippocratic oath? Hello?

I even had a doctor accuse me of being a raging alcoholic as that can cause elevated cortisol. Fuck me runnin’. I bet I have 2 glasses of wine a year, if that.

Anyway, this blog could be a zillion pages long as it’s been a total and complete nightmare for over 2 decades, but to save you time I’ll cut it short.

What’s going on is that my weight varies depending on my cortisol which goes up and down like a yo yo. I literally have 6 different clothing sizes in my wardrobe as my weight fluctuates so much. Holy shitcakes is that annoying!

Unfortunately, there’s nothing they can do about my cortisol. It is what it is. Until they can find a reason for it, I just live in kind of a tough physical state, and quite frankly, a sometimes very frustrating and exhausting emotional one too. Oh, and the thyroid doesn’t help. So I basically spend my life going up and down in weight. Sometimes skinny to the point where people tell me I look drawn and sickly. Sometimes a little curvier than I’d like (but I still like having T&A for days even when I am a wee bit on the heavier side). Think Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot. “Little in the middle but she’s got much back.” 😉

Preach on, brother!

So, I’m going to do Atkins. Any diet that lets you eat bacon seems counter-intuitive to me, but I do understand the science of protein, so I’m gonna give it a try.

Anyone done it before? Anyone have any suggestions? Helpful hints? Ways of killing myself that won’t leave a mess? KIDDING on that last part…sort of.

Oh, one last thing, with the cortisol I’ve been told by all my endos that I can’t get my heart rate up as doing so raises cortisol levels, so essentially fuck exercise. Yeah, cause that makes everything so much easier. Ugh!

Feel free to send me good luck vibes (and prayers–I happily take prayers) and let me know if you’ve been successful with Atkins. I usually just eat healthy, unprocessed food, but right now my body is in rebellion, so a girl’s gotta do somethin’! 🙂

XOXOXOX

20 comments on “Starting Diet. Wanna Die.

  1. If you need any help navigating low-carb, there are so many people that can help (including me). I’m going on four years as a low-carber, and though I still have issues with my damn thyroid, and I still fluctuate when I get out of balance, I am happy with the results. At least I got rid of my type 2 d. Number one thing is drop the wheat and sugar – expect to feel like shit for about 20-30 days as your body adjusts. After that it should level out and things will be easier.

    Nobody should have to deal with these hypo issues, and I totally empathize with you.

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    • Thank you!!! I’ll take any suggestions you have. I could live off pasta and bread, so I do believe I’m gonna be properly fucked on this diet–but I have the willpower of a nun, so while it might kill me, I’ll stick to it. So yes, any help would be great!! 🙂

      Oh, and HUGE CONGRATS for getting rid of the diabetes! Yay! That is awesome. 🙂

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      • Nah, you’ll do fine once you get past that first month. And I hear you about pasta and bread – that’s where I experimented with all the healthy options like spiralized zucchini noodles and spaghetti squash spaghetti, or *gack* coconut bread. I still do the veggie noodles occasionally, but found that einkorn wheat (you can find it, google it) is a fantastic substitute for those carbs. Still, you’d probably want to go cold turkey for that first month and add them in (as an occasional thing) after a few months – give your body a chance to heal up a little. Pinterest is your friend, too, when it comes to food. Look me up, I have a couple of boards that have tasty stuff. http://www.pinterest.com/elevenbird/

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      • You are officially followed on Pinterest. 🙂 Thank you for the help! I just sent my Atkins Carb Counter PDF off to OfficeMax to get printed all fancy and pretty. I’m such a dork. 🙂 XOXOX

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  2. Sweetie thyroid problems suck! Before I was diagnosed I used to be nice and slender. Then later in life I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism or Graves Disease. After three years of treatments my dr said it wasn’t going into remission so with radiation they killed of my thyroid gland. Now I struggle all the time with weight problems. I’m thinking of going on a low carb diet again as that seemed to help me in the past. I wish you success too! Hugz from a fellow thyroid issue friend!! Lisa and Bear!! Xoxo

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    • You poor little thing!!! I soooooooooooo feel ya. It’s just a nightmare. And unless someone’s experienced it, it’s hard to understand that one can eat super healthy and still gain weight. It’s just awful. Sorry about your thyroid gland killing. That just sucks. Pills forever now. Ugh. I just had a thyroid ultrasound a few months ago as they thought it might be thyroid cancer. Thank God it was negative for tumors. I just wish a doctor could figure out what to do. And the cortisol makes it even worse. The thing with the cortisol is that it makes you retain calories (fight or flight preparedness), so you don’t burn them like you normally would. Yeah, like that makes life easier.

      So, I’m hoping to “trick” my body with this low carb thing. Thanks for sharing with me. It’s good to know that I’m not in this alone (even though I wish I had a magic wand to wave so that you were 100% better!). XOXOXX Love ya!

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      • Man, that would mess up a majorlyette. Eating healthfully AND gaining weight? I thought Homer Simpson’s trip to Hell was going to look a lot like that! The meds I take cause carburger cravings, but that kind of seasick scenario I can do without. As I age, nature is getting demon-strative about the curve balls it throws my way…it’s nice to hear people are at least trying to do their ab salute beast!

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      • It totally sucks!!! I remember one endo saying to me, “Stop eating healthy. No matter what you eat you’re going to gain weight. Might as well eat pizza.” Yeah, I didn’t stick around too long with that one. Dolt! As for meds causing cravings–ugh! Nothing you can do about it–which is totally frustrating. We can fight the fight together! 🙂

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