I was mauled and I liked it!

Good gracious God…I just got a massage so good that I almost feel like I cheated on the hubby!!! It felt so good that I kept wanting to burst out giggling but I worried he’d think I was being inappropriate.

Massage

I’ve had many, many massages over the years. And while you may think, “Oh you spoiled rotten brat!” I actually get them for their medicinal value. (Though I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t my favorite thing next to awesome nookie and chocolate cake!)

But today…ahh…today. I got the most amazing massage. It was just about full-body contact for goodness sake! It was bonkers and it was amazing and I’m stunned I can type because I’m a big puddle of goo right now. And I’m like an oil slick. It’s awesome. When I took off my shoes I was able to essentially ice skate across the floor cause my feet are so oiled up. Bliss!

My massage therapist had hands like baseball mitts, but used his forearms most of the time so it was like getting rubbed by someone with 18 inch hands. Totally delish.

And, he’d rub my back while I was laying ON my back. Doesn’t that sound nuts? He oiled me up and put his hands and arms between me and the massage table and let the weight of my body add extra pressure. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. I could have stayed on that table for 9 hours. He had me so twisted up like a pretzel sometimes that it’s a miracle he didn’t see my naughty bits. Luckily, he was a consummate professional.

If you’ve never gotten a massage, or love them and want another one, fly to Arizona and come lay on his table. It’s worth the flight! 😉

Okay, so this was the most pointless post ever, but I just had to share. I feel half-drunk with pleasure! 🙂 If only I were rich…I’d do that shit everyday!! 🙂

Why Was I Talking About Dipping Your Wick Into Places It Doesn’t Belong? Ah ha! The Answer At Last!

Hello, all my lovelies!

About a month ago I posted a poll on whether or not you guys thought it was a betrayal to seek sexual satisfaction from real, live people outside of your relationship via phone or computer.

A big thanks to all of you for your thoughtful responses and poll answering.

It was so hard for me not to spew my opinion all over the place when I wrote that post, but I didn’t want to sway anyone’s thoughts on the matter before they had a chance to comment or vote. Of course now, I’m nothin’ but sass mouth on the topic!! 😉

In case you’re wondering, I used the info from that poll to write my latest article for The Acquiring Man magazine.

If you voted or just wanna see the article, click HERE or on the pic below (dang, that chick is hot!).

acquiring man is it cheating

PS: there is one typo in the article that is repeated 4 times that is making my brain itch! But the editor is going to fix them. He added the line because it’s a great summary of the article–I should have included it myself, so I’m glad he added it in. But as you guys know, I can be a grammar nazi, so forgive the missing apostrophe for now. 🙂

THE CARNAGE! My house is an abattoir!

I’m pretty sure I’m gonna puke!

Ewwwww!!!!

So here’s my little tale.

Now that the house is finally coming together, the hubby and I occasionally have some friends over. They’d just gotten in the door and were standing in the living room when they noticed my Christmas window gels still up in the window. Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s July and I still have some Christmas stuff up. I’m a maniac! 😉

Anyway, the gels are these gummy-like decals you stick to the window. They feel like a wet, smushed, slightly melted gummy bear, but they stick great and last a long time. Well, until the evil summer heat of Arizona gets at ’em.

The snowman couple on the right had held up pretty well, but the cute little penguins on the left had met a rather unfortunate, melty fate. It was actually kinda gross looking. Like the face melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

We were all standing about 10 feet away and commenting on the sorry state of my little gel friends and their accompanying snowflakes when I noticed that some of the snowflakes had turned black.

My first thought was, “Wow, that’s probably unhealthy. If the sun baked what used to be white, lavender and baby blue snowflakes into black, crusty nightmares then the fumes it put off while cooking can’t have been healthy to breathe.”

So I walked over to them to scrape them off the window and much to my horror…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The carnage! Death abounded! The slow, painful murder of dozens of small critters faced me in my once-loved gummy snowflakes.

Look below at your own risk!

 

 

OH THE CARNAGE!

 

Here it is a little closer up if ya really wanna see mass death!

Fly Death!

Holy fuck that is nasty!

I had NO idea I was murdering flies in such a gruesome way!

And the poor little buggers were left on display and I didn’t even notice. They had a public burial. Total ewww!!

So yeah, I screamed. Then said to the hubby, “Can you please remove the hideous death trap that our sweet Christmas decorations have become?”

I don’t know what they make the gummy decals with (crack? meth? chocolate?) that would be so alluring to flies. Especially since the snowmen were of absolutely no interest to them at all. Completely bizarre.

When I went to look at the snowmen the other day (which are still there to this day…yeah, again…I know…) I noticed a leftover fly leg stuck to the window. Poor little critters. I may not like flies, but nothing deserves to be cooked at 150 degrees while stuck in goo on an Arizona window.

Well, there you have it. I’m now officially horrified. I’m a murderer, pure and simple. Off with my head! 😉