The Horrors of my Noggin and the Related Panic Attack

I’m telling you, life is NEVER dull. 😉 Not that I wish to be bored, but c’mon, a little peace now and again is a good thing.

So, 3 weeks ago I got my hair dyed.

It’s pretty much been every color in the rainbow over the last 30 years.

My very first “boyfriend” told me one day that, “You’d be perfect if only you were blonde.” Of course what did I do? I immediately went and dyed it blonde and just as immediately realized that blonde is NOT a good look on me. Eeeee gawds, it was a nightmare. Especially with my personality.

If some guy said that to me today I’d verbally cut him until he crawled home crying for his mommy, dragging his entrails behind him. But I was 14 then and always concerned with being as perfect as possible. Thank God I don’t worry about that shit anymore. Take me as I am or fuck off. I rather like that mantra! 😉

I went to get the blonde nightmare fixed a few days later and ended up with 3 different colors of hair. I don’t know why the fix-it hair dyeing adventure turned into such a fiasco, but the good news was that my mom understood that I couldn’t go into public and she let me skip school for a week until I could wash a bunch of it out of my hair. Best Mom Ever Award for that! 🙂

Over the years it’s been light brown with highlights, black, dark brown, that purpley-red color, accidentally green (yep, that sucked as much as you’d think), red, and so on. I get bored easily with my hair color. Now, the style’s been the same for 20 years and will probably be the same until I die. But the color? That I like to mess with.

So, when I got my hair dyed a few weeks ago I went with a blue black. I wanted that shit dark dark dark. My chick used the same brand of dye she always does and everything seemed okay.

Then a few days later I noticed this weird thing on my forehead right by my hairline. It looked like a skin-colored scrape about 1/3 of an inch in diameter. As I was looking at it thinking, “Please God–no skin cancer. I know I tanned my ridiculously white skin a lot when growing up, but I haven’t had a tan in 20 years. Please spare me skin cancer…” I noticed all these black dots on my scalp. What the fuck? Hmmm…they didn’t look like the typical dye blotches that appear on my scalp after a hair color. These were tiny little specks like someone took a Sharpie and put dots on my noggin.

Well, whatever. I’ll just scrub my head harder next time I wash it to get the dye off.

Uhhh…the dots didn’t come off after the next shampoo. Or the next 5 shampoos.

Finally, after 3 weeks I’m like, “What in the ever-loving shit is on my fuckin’ head?” As we know, I’ve been dyeing my hair for 30 years. I’d never seen anything like it. So I had to investigate.

Can I just tell you…NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER Google something like “black spots on scalp.” NEVER! It’s horrifying.

I went from “Hmmm…that looks odd” to “HOLY FUCKING HELL WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD I’M DYING THIS IS AWFUL HOW DID THIS HAPPEN WHY ME SOMEONE KILL ME THIS FUCKING SUCKS.” Yep…all one sentence.

When you Google “black spots on scalp” you learn that you’d be better off dead than with the host of things that come up as possible diseases or conditions.

Keep in mind that I typically stick to sites like WebMD or Mayo Clinic for medical advice as I feel they are likely a bit more accurate than, ‘Jodi’s dumb ass blog on weird stuff,” but even those scared the shit out of me.

Some of the suggestions were: Mold (WHAT THE FUCK???). Fungus (I WANT TO DIE). Ringworm (This is when the panic set in).

All of the sites also mentioned itching. My head didn’t itch before I read that. Now it was as if spiders were crawling around on my head. I know, totally psychosomatic, and I kept trying to rationalize it, but I was scared shitless, so a bit of irrational was starting to slip through.

Then Grant gets home and I tell him what’s going on. He grabs a flashlight and tells me I have black dots ALL OVER MY HEAD!!! I thought it was just that one small spot, but nope. They are EVERYFUCKINGWHERE! Oh, the horror!

So, I immediately got on the phone to schedule an appointment with a dermatologist. If I fucking have any of those things I wanted it diagnosed immediately and then I wanted someone to decapitate me.

Of course, out of the 6 I called, 3 didn’t answer the phone (I’m thinking their businesses are covers for drug running, otherwise how do they stay in business?), 2 sent me to voicemail (how can they close on a Tuesday before 4 pm? Must be nice…) and the last one kept me on hold for, and I kid you not, 15 minutes. 4 times people picked up the line and I’d repeat, “Hi, I’m calling to make an appointment as a new patient,” and they’d always say, “Just a minute,” and I’d wait 5 more. I wanted to smash something violently. First off, what shitty customer service. Secondly, I’VE GOT MOTHERFUCKING FUNGUS, MOLD OR WORMS ON MY MOTHERFUCKING HEAD. SOMEONE NEEDS TO HELP ME BEFORE I PASS OUT FROM HORROR!!!

And of course in the meanwhile I’m terrified to touch my head, lean it onto a pillow, let my husband anywhere near me. I made him throw away his brush cause I’d used it earlier in the day. He tried to hug me and I yelped, “NO! You’ll get the Mange!”

Finally, the idiots at the dermatologist’s office get back on the phone and they can’t see me for a week.

Ummmm…no. That’s too long. I’ll run into traffic by then. I’ll shave my head. I’ll die of terror and fear!

So, I make the appointment anyway and then rush out of the house to go to Urgent Care. By now it’s after 5pm and no doctor in the state is open except Urgent Care. And I was sincerely starting to have a panic attack at the idea of a foreign body making its home in my head. God bless Valium.

When I get to the first one, I open the door to what I can only assume was an outbreak of The Plague. So I said, “Uh, fuck this,” and left and went to another one where everyone looked like they were suffering from Ebola. Damn flu season. So, fuck that one too. I just went home and wouldn’t let anyone or anything near me until I could get in to see someone in the morning.

Finally, morning comes ’round (after a lovely night chocked full of wormy, fungus-filled dreams) and I get an appointment to see a doc.

I go there at 10:30 and they are so nice and lovely. The doc comes in and I explain what’s going on.

She looks at my head and says, “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Great. I’m a medical mystery full of fungus and mold and worms and God knows what.

Then she plays a bit with my noggin and determines that the dye (which is some stubborn-ass dye) had grabbed hold of all the new baby hairs growing out of my scalp and gotten kind of stuck at the follicle (if you’ll recall I mentioned earlier in the year that I had a bunch of hair loss due to thyroid and iron/protein deficiencies). The hair was just a tiny bit of a millimeter long and hardly even out of my scalp yet, so the dye clung to those tiny pieces of hair and went down a bit into the skin. This was why it wasn’t easily washing off in the shower.

Can I tell you that I have rarely been more relieved in my entire life? EVER! I wanted to hump her in thanks for her awesome diagnosis.

She said she could see why I’d have been terrified, but that I’m good to go and that she wished all her appointments ended on such a happy note.

Whew!!!!

What an absolute cluster-fuck. I had told Grant that I just could not take one more medical issue and was going to snap from the stress. Luckily, I have a wonderful hubby who was supportive even when we did think I had The Funk. Thank God it was just some weird dyeing anomaly and I am worm-mold-fungus free! Yay!!!!

So, that’s my saga. I’m just happy that my noggin is good to go. I’m quite certain I couldn’t have handled any other outcome because they were just too damn gross!

Have a happy weekend, my friends! XOXOXXOXO

21 comments on “The Horrors of my Noggin and the Related Panic Attack

  1. I’m so glad it’s nothing serious!! Long time ago I went to someone and wanted to try dying my hair red, I ended up looking like a carrot! I learned you have to be careful who does my hair color!Mnhugz Lisa and Bear

    Like

    • Thank you! I was scared shitless! Some leftover dye I can handle. Mold? Fungus? Worms? No.

      Glad you no longer look like a carrot!!! You do have to be so careful. I’ve been seeing the same chick for 16 years and this is the first truly bizarre thing that’s happened. So happy I have a healthy head!

      Love ya, girlie! 🙂

      Like

  2. Ah, mange free. Great, I can take these glove and my mask off. What? OK, I’ll, keep the mask on. No need to be so personal, I wouldn’t really have scared your bull mastiff.
    I’m happy you found out you’ll live Jodi, who else could I fantasize about.
    xxx Humongous Hugs xxx

    Like

    • Thanks, doll. It was terrifying and totally icky! Thank the Lord it was just hair dye. I washed my hair again yesterday and scrubbed and scrubbed and some of it is still there. It better stay on the hair I want it to stay on for a long time too, darnit! 😉

      Like

  3. I would have thought the same thing, except that the super dark dyes CAN and WILL cling for a while, even without much effort or an underlying cause. I colored my hair one morning and the next day my stylist said “Did you just color your hair?” It was the same thing, black and purple dots and patches. Most of it washed out after three days, but apparently my extra 10 minutes thinking it needed to stay on made it stick and not want to leave. It’s creepy because we ARE warned about “black mold” and the things it can do to our health. I would have been panicking too.

    I got ringworm from a kitten I adopted in late 2013. It was gross, yes, but it’s not actually what I initially thought (I’d rather have something that can be treated topically than something that involves biopsies and other terrifying things.). Most of the spots took six months to heal and completely disappear and yes, many of them itched like crazy. The vet (yes, that’s who I called in my panicked state! LOL.) told me I’d be immune to it once it went away. No one wants to wake up to one of those blotches ON THEIR FACE, and definitely not before a business meeting!! I’ve never used so much concealer before in my life.

    I don’t blame you for panicking at all. I’m glad Grant was totally supportive and didn’t stare at you like you were deranged, because I do think you would have made him cry. It’s good to have a partner that has your back.

    Glad you’re okay. Moreover, if I hadn’t been worried about you as I read this, I would have howled with laughter.

    Like

    • NOOOOO! The kitty got you!!! Little stinker. That would have been horrifying. I LOVE that you called the vet. That is a riot! 😉 So glad you are okay. How totally scary. That little kitty better be the best kitty ever after the torture it put you through. 😉

      Grant was a total darling. I was on the edge of tears more than once (and I think he’s only seen me cry a handful of times in over 7 years) and he was utterly loving and supportive. Best hubby ever. And you are right…the few times he’s seen me cry, it immediately makes him cry too. He’s about the most precious thing on earth–hates seeing me in any kind of anguish.

      Glad to know my saga would have tickled your funny bone (had you known all was okay from the start). 😉 I live to both horrify and make people giggle.

      Love ya!!! 🙂 XO

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Your posts are always entertaining and even though this was no laughing matter, your writing had me on edge waiting for the diagnosis….So glad you’re well and not dying from some foreign black dot disease…..Thanks for always making me laugh!

    Like

  5. Wow, what a funny story (now that you know you won’t have to be decapitated)! 🙂

    I’ve never dyed my hair, but (the grass always being greener…) I always wanted that blue-black thick straight hair. Of course I have fine, wavy blonde hair. 😐

    Like

    • Hi Mandii! You poor thing. It’s so scary when weird shit like this happens. I’m sure you are fine, but it never hurts to go get checked out by a doctor if you are worried. I’m glad I went.

      Beyond the scary part, how’d your hair turn out, 😉

      Like

What'cha think? Leave your comment here.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s