My first blind date in 10 years

Yep, I was nervous.

I hadn’t been on a blind date in 10 years and I’d been waiting for this one for a couple of months. That first meeting always makes me wanna puke with nerves, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. πŸ™‚

All the things that run through anyone’s mind were running through mine.

What am I going to wear?

I hope I make a good impression.

Man, this bad hair day sucks!

What perfume should I wear? I want to smell good.

Good grief I have to shave. My hair is growing its own hair.

Do these pants look good on me?

I hope I’m not too chatty.

When it comes time to get nekkid, I hope everything is in its proper working order.

After all that build up, the time has arrived.

I have to work all day first and it’s in my mind on and off during all my endless meetings.

Finally it’s time to get ready, so I get up, take a shower, shave til my razor is dull, fix the hair, put on make-up, spritz on some perfume, check the mirror more than once as first impressions are lasting ones. Then it’s time to go.

I hop into my car and put on some head-banging music to get me in the right mood.

When I arrive I go up to the girl at the frontΒ toΒ let her know that I’m here.

Finally my blind date is ready for me, so I go back to our reserved area and after a little playful conversation I get a few minutes of alone time and then start stripping off the clothes.

Shirt first. Then bra. Then pants. Then panties. Always in that order, though I don’t know why. If you’re gettin’ totally nekkid, why does the shirt always come off first? Makes no sense.

Then a knock at the door and it’s time to party…well, as much as you can with your new gynecologist.

Yep, I’m not cheating on the hubby! I love him! Though my new gyno now knows me as intimately. Good gravy, nothing is left to the imagination.

As I was getting ready to head to my appointment I realized that going to the gyno is like going on a first date. You’re all nervous and hoping that he/she isn’t a dickhead. You hope they’ll be gentle with all your girlie parts and not make you limp for a week. You hope they’ll be sweetΒ and really listen when you talk.

It’s just like a freakin’ date. ThoughΒ most of my first dates over the years haven’t ended up with me naked…well…most… πŸ˜‰

Luckily, she was awesome and fun and super friendly and I only limped for a day or two.

GynoGod bless nice gynos. I had one when I was a teenager that was the most wretched bitch on earth. It’s as though she delighted in trying to rip me a new muff. But I was a teenager and she was the only female choochie-doctor around, so what was a girl to do?

As a matter of fact, when I thought back on her while writing this post, a very special song came to mind. Cartman, on Southpark’s very first Christmas special, sang a song which is a perfect description of my ex-muff-punisher.

Watch at your own risk as it is in no way polite, un-gross or politically correct. Actually, no one should watch this, but I’m gonna put it here for your viewing pleasure anyway. Click on “Cartman” below.

Have a great weekend, my friends!

Cartman

25 comments on “My first blind date in 10 years

    • I was cracking up when I was taking my before-gyno-shower thinking, “Yep, this is exactly what I’d do when I used to go on dates.” It’s nuts! And I swear, when I have to strip it’s always in this order: Take off shirt. Fold. Lay on chair. Take off bra, arrange neatly and put under shirt. Take off pants, fold, lay on top of shirt. Take off panties and tuck between shirt and pants. I’ve done it that way for 30 years. It’s so silly! As if seeing my undies on the top of the pile is somehow more personal than putting a spotlight on ye ole muff and attacking it with metal and hands and such. πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

      • Every doctor is different. I don’t know a single woman that is psyched to go to a gyno appointment, myself included. I know that technically, they spend their entire day looking at the exact same things, but it’s still invasive. Men don’t care, they’ll pretty much drop their pants for anyone to see. But here I am thinking “Did I really need to wear La Perla? This is NOT someone I know intimately.” It never ceases to be weird.

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  1. Ugh… I HATE going to get my “yearly” although, now that I have had a hysterectomy I only have to go every 3 to 5 years. But still. I would rather go to the dentist and get a filling! (side note: I LOVE going to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned!)
    I have, however, always been blessed with great doctors! Awesome in fact! I have liked each and every one. I prefer females, not because they make me more comfortable, but because they have small hands…LOL! Which I guess is one way to describe comfort or not. Anyhoo… great build up to your story, kept me guessing! πŸ™‚ \
    Happy New Year Princess!

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    • Every 3-5 years sounds like a dream! The hysterectomy part less a dream. Hope the surgery didn’t leave you trapped in bed for too long.

      Now, as for this enjoying the dentist thing…I’m disturbed. I’m almost as disturbed as I would be if you told me you enjoyed eating hamster soup! πŸ˜‰

      I hope you have a wonderful 2015 too. XOXOXOXOXOOXOX

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      • Well I don’t like getting my teeth drilled, but I get them cleaned every six months and I love the way they feel afterward. The scrubbing part not so much, but I have a great hygienist and my dentist is super cute so it makes the trip a little more bearable. LOL!
        Now.. as for the hamster soup??? That’s just wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG on so many levels and I can’t compare the dentist to that! But I certainly understand those who do. Although I have never understood that particular phobia…maybe because I have never had a bad experience?? IDK…. πŸ˜€

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      • Hamster soup is just sooooooooooooooooooooooo wrong! πŸ˜‰ I had to go to the dark side. It’s fun there sometimes. πŸ˜‰

        As for dentist-a-phobia, here’s why I have it:
        5 root canals
        5 crowns (most of which have popped off over the years, ugh)
        3 cracked in half teeth (man does that suck!)
        28 fillings
        1 pulled adult tooth (3 pulled prematurely as a wee one due to cavities and not nature saying it was time to go)
        1 dry socket (mother of God that hurts like a fucking cactus up the ass!)

        After that hell, I now about have a panic attack when I have to go to the dentist. Luckily, I have an awesome one and my hygienist is amazing, so that helps curb the horror a bit. πŸ™‚ Glad you have a good one (and cute one!) too. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • OH dear God! No wonder you have a phobia! I would too!!!!! I’m so sorry hon! I have been blessed with very healthy teeth. Although after my daughter was born I had 11 fillings (not all bad, deep ones) because my daughter sucked all the calcium out of my body during pregnancy. All good now. I do have 5 crowns but none of those were a big deal. One was from a broken tooth. So I understand the pain…
        NOW……I DID have one root canal through a crown and boy THAT was fun! It got done eventually after the 3rd try (3 different days) because they couldn’t get my tooth numb. They got everything ELSE numb BUT my tooth. Periodontist kept telling me there was no way I could feel that… Like HELL I couldn’t!! He wouldn’t touch it as long as I felt pain so there was that…. SO I eventually got gas and all was done in no time. Not horrible nightmare, but not fun. Up side was he didn’t make me pay for the gas and I got the root canal for 1/2 cost. He felt bad 😦 Never went back to him again but I didn’t dis him around town either.

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      • I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo love the gas. Mainlining that and combined with Valium? The dentist could cop a feel and I wouldn’t even care. God bless drugs. Though I have to admit, when I’m on the Nitrous I have dirrrrrrty thoughts the entire time. It’s almost embarrassing as I’m just certain that everyone knows I’m thinking horribly naughty things. πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Never thought of gyne appt that way, but yeah – can see it being like that.

    You sure had me wondering about that blind date – “wait minute! Jodi’s married, right?!? Did I miss something”… Then the “nekkid” part – “Huh?!?”… Ahhhh ok, makes total sense now. And time for me to quit typing b4 I’m tempted to commit phonacide

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    • Ha! I tricked you! πŸ˜‰ I’m such a naughty thing. I wondered if anyone would think, “What the hell is Jodi talking about…gettin’ nekkid on the first date???!!!” Glad you realized something had to be amiss. I wouldn’t cheat on my hubby for all the money in the world. πŸ™‚ XOXO

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