I have officially seen it all. Good grief.

Okay, so those of you who know me know that as far a I’m concerned, women never have to “use the bathroom” for anything besides powdering their noses.

I don’t like bathroom talk.

If I could, I’d pretend bathrooms don’t exist.

I don’t wanna know what goes on it one, why I shouldn’t “go in there for 20 minutes” or anything else related to bathroom things. It’s just gross.

Otters

In Heaven I WILL ROLL AROUND WITH OTTERS!!!

You guys have heard me before say that my idea of heaven is that when I die God will let me play with a truckload of non-pooping otters. It’s not heaven if they poop on you.puking dog

So, needless to say when I saw the latest Cottonelle ad I almost threw up in my mouth, out of my mouth, on to the cats and all over the floor.

Seriously, don’t we all know the purpose of toilet paper?

I kinda wanna kill her. ;)

I kinda wanna kill her. 😉

Do we really need a commercial where a girl in white pants, who has clearly snorted too much blow, asks a man if he thinks this new TP  is so good that he can go commando? (Cause there are just so many new fangled things one can do to TP to make it tons better—ugh, idiots.) And I love that they picked someone with a delightfully cheery British accent…does that somehow make it more proper to discuss your bowels and what they do?? Good Lord…

Anyway, apparently, rippled TP is the first and only difference between having a poopy butt and not having one. Does this mean we’ve all walked around nasty our entire lives until this particular TP? Yay! Saved by new TP! Now I can have a friend or two because I’m not basking in my own glorious filth all day, every day.

While I am loathe to give this gross and disgusting company any publicity, click on Miss Poo’s jolly face to watch the revolting video where, when you get down to it, she’s asking strangers, “Can you wipe your ass well enough to not get filth all over the inside of your pants?” I mean, c’mon people? Really? Is NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE!!!???? Must we talk about mookie stinks making a permanent home on your panties in such graphic and disgusting detail on television???

So, here’s what I vote for.

Below is the kind of TP ad I wanna see (though I’d rather see none at all!).

The TV screen would be all white with a still shot of a roll of pristine TP (and maybe an otter or two) and it would have a voiceover that read:

Hi.

This TP is not made of razor blades.

This TP will not cause you to bleed, get herpes or go insane.

Use it like you’ve been using TP for decades and it’ll do about the same thing that all others do.

Oh, it’s a little softer, if you like that kind of thing.

Now, go back to your happy life and forget I’ve just spent 15 seconds talking about your ass and its relationship with TP.

Thank you and good night.

That’s all I need to know, dammit!

I need nothing more than that and I’m good.

So can we please just say no to these kinds of ads?

Plus, I’m a Charmin girl anyway.

I had an 11th grade student of mine 100 years ago when I taught high school write a poem about me and my butt being squeezable like Charmin*. Lordy, those kids were wonderfully inappropriate. Anyway, I’ve been a Charmin girl ever since cause it still makes me giggle.

Okay, no more butt talk. I’m out.

*Click here to hear Mr. Whipple yet at women for squeezing the Charmin. 😉

14 comments on “I have officially seen it all. Good grief.

  1. My Mom boycotted TV commercials when she saw this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY

    We are in total agreement with you. There should be some sort of line in the sand when it comes to what we are forced to endure in the name of product promotion.

    As a side note, I will mention that I, of course, do not ever use TP and my shit does not stink.
    (Or maybe no one at our house has spoken about this out loud. Hmmm… food for thought.)

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    • Oh. My. God. WHY!!!!???? Why are these types of things ON TV? I’m tellin’ ya, if the guy who invented TV could have gone into the future to view the horrific commercial that I just watched (I can’t un-see that poo-pouri commercial!) he’d have not invented it. The TV wouldn’t exist. 😉

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  2. It definitely goes into the category of the dumbest/lamest TV commercials of the year if not of all time. The whole questioning of whether or not to go commando should not be the selling point of the product- and it is. Fuck that. Starting to hate commerce, but that’s for another personal issue and time.

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    • It’s all just so nasty and awful. Total ick. This is why I try and avoid commercials at all cost. They are either telling you that you stink, aren’t pretty enough, shouldn’t wear panties, or should eat more. Ugh. 🙂 XO

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      • This, coupled with the Hollywood mania and the California syndrome is why people in this country have the issues and problems that they do. Thus My total hatred from the geographical spot to begin with.

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  3. Who writes this stuff up and they get paid for it…amazing! So glad you mentioned the otters with this post so that I have adorable images dancing around in my mind. I just read sea otters hold flippers while the sleep so they don’t drift apart. I just did a post, Rafting Away, about it–so precious. Happy wiping and keeping it to yourself.

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  4. two things:

    i believe mr. whipple was told not to squeeze the charmin (hoping i’m not about to make a statement as inappropriate as your high school student) i hope your husband isn’t mr. whipple. :^)

    the whole wiping to be visibly clean would be pointless. the real problem are the nasty bacteria that gets left behind after the wipe. doing a bleach sitz bath after the fact would do a much better job of taking out the bacterium.

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