…the mice will play (and rant!)!

I know, I’ve been gone forever!!

I did not die, I promise.

I’ve pondered murder once or twice though. 😉

I hope everyone is doing beautifully and gearing up for a fabulous summer. I intend on spending mine in my air conditioned house as it’s too damn hot outside.

Okay, so while I’ve been toiling away at the day job 15 hours a day (which greatly prohibits me from enjoying myself in my real life, dammit!) I’ve come across some shit I just have to share. I’m going to try to keep it to a list form so it’s not a tome, but you guys know I can go on and on and on… 😉

1. McDonalds: KEEP YOUR FILTHY FUCKIN’ HANDS OFF MY DESSERT!!!

So, I only eat McDonald’s about twice a year cause that shit’ll kill you, but I do occasionally swing by to get a kiddie-sized cone. They’re super adorable, 45 calories and just enough to quench my craving. (Side note: once I type something incorrectly it takes me 15 tries to get it right. I had to type the word “enough” literally about 9 times before typing it correctly. Blasted non-working appendages!) Okay, so back to McD’s.

I went to the one in the Wallymart and ordered a kiddie cone. The young man who goes to make it was, and I kid you not, just emptying the trash. So, he grabs the cone with his filth covered, un-gloved mitts and puts the ice cream in it. THEN he sets it down on the freaking counter that people sneeze, cough and set their children’s grubby butts on. Why didn’t he just wipe his ass with it and then hand it to me?

So, I look at the girl behind the counter and say, “I’m totally not a germaphobe. I’ll eat stuff that’s been on my kitchen floor for 3 days. But would you mind making me a kiddie cone since you weren’t just emptying the trash? And would you mind not setting it on the counter?” She smiles, seemingly genuinely, and says sure.

On her way to grab the cone she sneezes wildly. Of course. But in an effort to not dirty her hands she doesn’t cover her nose and mouth, so great mists of snot just go EVERYWHERE! You can see the mist glittering in the overhead light. And what do you think she sneezed on besides half the country? Yep. All of the unwrapped kiddie cones.

Does this deter her? Nope. She picks up a snot covered nightmare, fills it with ice cream, doesn’t even consider wearing gloves or holding the now-wet cone with a napkin, and hands it to me and says, “I totally understand. I wouldn’t want to eat anything off that counter either.”

Can we all just say it together? Fuck me. No cone for Jodi today!

2. People in General: IF YOU DON’T FUCKIN’ KNOW WHAT A PSYCHOLOGICAL TERM ACTUALLY MEANS, DON’T FUCKIN’ USE IT!

I’m lucky enough to have to interact with an asshat (“enough” only took 7 tries this time!) on a daily basis. This person makes me wanna pull my eyes out of my head, then slam my blind noggin into plate glass because the pain of that is far less than putting up with their dumb ass. It’s like interacting with a narcissistic monkey trained to torment me to the point of self-mutilation.

Somehow, I typically get to be the lucky recipient of the preponderance of this person’s shit. And the other day, while whining like a small child who didn’t get a second cookie before dinner, this person tells me that I’m passive aggressive. HA! Now, I gotta tell you…I’ve been called a lot of things in life (luckily, most of them have not been unkind) but passive aggressive? Have you guys ever known me to be passive aggressive? Aggressive? Sure. I’m no wilting flower. But passive aggressive?

Passive aggressive is the mother-in-law who, while dragging her white-gloved finger across the top of your door frame, looks at you with a big smile and says, “Oh, how lovely. You found the time after all that shopping you do to clean the house. What a good wife you are to my son.” Of course, you wanna kill the bitch, but she says it so sweetly–even though you and I (and she) know it’s layered with a million small cuts that will eventually be the end of you.

So, for all the asshats out there with which I am forced to deal, here are a few definitions of passive aggressive. If you’re going to insult me, at least get it right.

  • Of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.
  • Being marked by or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness).
  • Behavior that is exhibited by a person who is dissatisfied, uncooperative or unhappy but who doesn’t want to be overtly mean or rude. Instead, the person behaves in a subtly contrary way.

So, now that we’ve seen it in black and white, how on God’s green earth does this describe me?

My guess is that this person tried to figure out something to say that they hoped would be insulting to me while making them seem intelligent and abused by mean old me. Hmmmmm…you’re talking to the wrong person, buddy. What a fucknut.

3: Teddy bears (which should be ONE WORD, dammit!) are the most awesome thing on earth.

I have made it my mission to buy every 1987 Gund Daisy Cow teddy bear I can find. I have 7 of them.

Yes, I’m quite certain that makes me insane, or very close to it.

I’m sure I probably need some sort of medication. But I love those damn things so much! And I want to rescue them from homes that no longer want them. Who would SELL a teddy bear? That’s jacked up. But, I’m lucky people do cause I snatch ’em up. And there’s nothing really wrong with selling a teddy. I just can’t bear to let any of them escape me and my clutches! 😉

4: I’m totally happy for and supportive of Bruce Jenner–you do your thing and have a joyful life…but…

In his interview with Diane Sawyer he’s essentially asking people to accept him for who he is, not judge, and understand that everyone is different and that that’s not just okay but should be celebrated. I could not agree more. You guys know I don’t care about anyone’s religion, race, sexuality (but leave the sheep alone please…they can’t consent! 😉 ). I truly believe people should be encouraged to be who they are and achieve all the joy they can get out of a pretty tough world. Acceptance of other people is one of the single greatest gifts you can give to yourself and everyone else on the planet. (Okay, getting off my soapbox!) 🙂

BUT! If you are going to ask for people to be non-judgmental, then maybe you should practice what you preach. There was a scene where he was talking about beating the Russian in the Olympics and he mentions that he ran into the same Russian 30 or so years later. Then he laughs and brings up how the Russian had gotten fat, so he (Bruce) won twice because he’s still in great shape.

Ummm…so not cool. You can judge people for being in their 60s and being overweight–we aren’t supposed to look 20 forever!–but you want no one to judge you? How about you start with kindness towards others first?

I was very disappointed. But I still hope he finds great joy, love and a tremendous amount of support.

5. Jamie Dornan is NOT MY CHRISTIAN GREY!!!! 😉

I know. Shut up! Not a good movie. But I had to. It was like the Twilight books. Had to read them. Had to watch the movies, even though I, honest to God, laughed my ass off throughout the entire first movie. It looked like they’d just hosed the vamps down with baby powder. Truly funny. Anyway, there’s no accounting for my taste and I make no excuses! Sometimes a girl has to step away from Dante and read some juicy shit.

But, why couldn’t Jax from Sons of Anarchy have stayed cast as Mr. Grey? He didn’t exactly fit the mold either, but damn…that would have made the movie more tolerable. Jax is kinda pretty, ya know. And while I rarely comment on the prettiness of another man out of respect to the hubby, I think they look a little bit alike, so I don’t think I should feel bad for commenting on Jax’s hotness. 😉

 

I will say this about the movie…in one scene he says to the girl something to the effect of, “I’d like to fuck you into the middle of next week.”

Uhhhh…mmmm…yeah. That’s a good thing to say. I think any man with a willing woman should go say that to her right now. Total yum! Lust is very underrated. 😉 Quit reading this and go bang your hot woman!

Okay, I’ve typed my fingers bloody. Must go watch some TV and let the brain relax.

Love you guys and I hope you all have a wonderful (and long if you are in the States) weekend.

HUGS!! XOXOXOXO

PS: Wednesday morning at 4:35 am I awoke to the sound of my kitty horking up a hair ball. Then one minute later woke up further to the cold, wet spew of her vomit in my hair, on my neck and running down my cleavage. So, if you see me on Cops being arrested for kitty-i-cide, you now know why. 😉

36 comments on “…the mice will play (and rant!)!

  1. I love the term asshat and you definitely know not to use it correctly. I also did not care for the 50 shades movie just had to watch and see. A girlfriend and I got loaded on wine but still had to pause every few minutes to discuss why we did not like the actors and how some of the scenes didn’t work. The “I want to fuck you” scene was one that made us shut up, though!

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  2. Here we go, Jodi’s back and with some serious subjects to get off her (magnificent) chest so how come I’m curled up laughing?
    Sweetie, I have to say (again), You’re a Star. You made me think about the issues of kindness towards others, being hygienic near food and not trying to be a shever clit with psychological terms all while reading the comedy sketch of the year. ( Can’t comment on Shades of Grey,not read it, not seen it, don’t want to).
    Cwtch
    David

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    • Oh good grief, you crack me up! I love your comments…they always make me smile.

      Glad you liked my non-stop, stream-of-consciousness blathering. As for Fifty Shades…yeah, you can’t get those hours back. Best to stay safe.

      And “shever clit” is HYSTERICAL! Love it. You are too funny. XOXOXO

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  3. Howling with laughter. I can relate to so much of this.

    I TOTALLY felt the same way about that Bruce Jenner comment,. I thought it was incredibly fucking rude. Happy for him, but that comment was low.

    Sorry about the cat. Been there.

    Glad you’re okay. Have a great holiday weekend. 🙂

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    • Hey there, sweet stuff. So happy you enjoyed. I clearly had a lot to say after so much time away! 😉

      Glad I’m not the only one who thought Bruce was being a douche by saying that. Judge not, mo fo!

      As for the cat, I’m BBQing her tonight. She deserves it!

      Have a great weekend. Loves ya!

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  4. ‘Fucknut’ LMAO! You don’t come across as passive in anyway ;oD I hate it when people serving and directly handling food are wearing gloves on both hands and then handle coins which are known to be the most germ ridden thing ever! Don’t even get me started on cooked and uncooked meat – the horror! I think your bloke is actually prettier than Jax. Jax looks more like a sexy hobbit.

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    • Okay, so THANK YOU on so very many levels!

      First, glad you liked “fucknut.” Sometimes it is just soooooooooo appropriate!
      Second, thank you for confirming that I don’t seem passive. Ain’t that the truth! 😉
      Third, you’d be safer licking a toilet seat than licking money. Less chance of getting high on cocaine and ingesting 4 different diseases. You are so right, money is filthy. Ewwwww!
      Forth, my hubby is going to LOVE you for saying such a sweet thing. I know I do. 🙂 I’m very lucky to have such a foxy hubby. I tell him so every day.

      I hope you have a great weekend and thanks for giving me quite the chuckle too. XO

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    • You are too kind (but I’ll take it!). Thank you. That’s so nice. My blog is a weird place, but it’s a happy one. I’m glad you came by. I like the pic you have on your Mother’s Day post–ain’t that the truth?! You have yourself a wonderful weekend!

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  5. i think this whole germ thing is way overblown. what i love are the people behind the counters who wear gloves to keep their hands germ free only to exchange money with the gloves on. kinda defeats the purpose.

    (warning! light hearted humor) btw, with bruce i believe the proper pronoun is she. yea, this whole cross gender thing can be confusing but us the pronoun gendered to the sex they want to be.

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