You are my sunshine…my only sunshine…

You guys know that in addition to being a foul-mouthed trollop, I’m also a squishy little cuddle bun bun with my hubby.

We text each other a few times during the day just to say, “I love you, Stinker!” Or, “How’s my little Muffininator’s day going?”

He’ll send me imgur images of frolicking otters or baby squirrels. Yep, I’m a total sap! Alas, that is not news to any of you. 🙂

So, today I thought I’d liven up an I Love You text to the man with this cute little gif:

iloveyoubun

The hubby just loved it!

So, I thought I’d share with you a bunch of gifs I pilfered from Google Images so that you can nab them and text or email them to your honey bunny (or mom, sister, brother, dog, kid, cat, hamster…whoever has an Internet connection).

For Windows users, you should be able to right click on them, select Save Image As, then save them to your local drive for future uploading into a text message or email.

For Mac users, I guess you just think to yourself, “Mac, upload this image and send to wifey,” and it’ll read your mind and do it all for you. If that, for some odd reason, doesn’t work, maybe click and hold???? It’s been so long since I worked on a Mac that I’ve forgotten anything I ever knew about them. I’m a slave to Bill Gates apparently. NOOOOO!!!! 😉

Here ya go! Cuteness galore…

DancingILoveYou DoggyLove FancyILoveYou HappyFaceILoveYou ILoveYouBlinkyHeart IMissYou KittyLove LoveForever MousyLove ScoobyLove SparkleLove TeddyHeartsLoveYou TeddyLove YouAre

And lastly, for those of you who kind of love/hate your mate, here’s a super creepy one that both shouts love and is the precursor to nightmares:

CreepyClownLove

Now go send some love to your honey!

Or don’t.

You can always instead send them dancing poop to say hi. 😉

PoopDance

UPDATE! :) How to Smell Like a Stripper, Have Silky Hair, Wash Your Hair Less Often, and Be Happy (All in one post? How is it possible??)

UPDATE!

I am so tickled to share with you a couple of Dodi Ball hair styles. One from my sissy and one from a girlfriend of mine. Don’t they look lovely? 🙂

Becky and Amy with Dodi Ball Hair

_________________________________

Last week I was at the doctor’s, waiting in the lobby and twiddling my thumbs, when this lovely lady approached me and told me that I have gorgeous hair.

After blushing and telling her that she’d made my day, she sat down and asked me what I do to have such shiny, edible-smelling hair. After I told her my process, she told me she was going to go follow my routine to see if she could get her limp, kinda-fried hair to look like a Pantene commercial.

I also shared one of my tricks of the trade, The Dodi Ball, with my sister a few weeks ago, and after she tried it she took a pic of her hair in the morning and sent it to me. She was so excited about how her hair looked…it made a sissy proud!

So, I thought I might share this with you guys too.

Now, I am not saying by ANY stretch of the imagination that my hair is the hair dreams are made of. That lead chick on the TV show Quantico has the PERFECT hair and I would happily kill her for it.

But, I do have a few tricks up my sleeve I can give you that might help. This will be especially helpful for people with hair long enough to put in a ponytail.

WARNING: This is a looooong post. And when you first glance at it you may think, there is NO WAY IN BLOODY HELL I’m doing all of this. But you do most of it anyway–everyone washes their hair, right? And, you only have to do it about once a week. The whole process, including the shower, only takes about 30 minutes and it’s well worth it when you see how healthy your hair can look.

Step 1: Shampoo only your roots.

I used to do hair shows back 100 years ago for Paul Mitchell, Toni & Guy, etc…and while I never appreciated the outrageous cuts and colors I’d leave with, I did learn one valuable thing: QUIT WASHING THE BOTTOM HALF OF YOUR HAIR!!

Here’s why. Cause I told you so. KIDDING!!! 😉 (Had to include some sass!)

Unless you are out rolling around in the mud, chances are the hair below your ears isn’t truly dirty…maybe just a little dusty. When you wash your hair, it strips the natural oils out of it and for people with long hair, you want as much of that oil as you can get in the hair below your ears.

So, when you wash your hair, just wash the hair all around your scalp and when you rinse it the shampoo will run down over the bottom half of your hair and get it as clean as it needs to be. No direct shampoo application to the hair below your ears is necessary.

This is the shampoo I use. It’s a little pricey, but I’m going to tell you later how to mitigate that with sheer laziness! 🙂

HeartLockItShampoo

I also occasionally alternate my shampoos and use these. They are more affordable as long as you buy them in the large (usually quart-sized containers). The eSalon only sells in a 8oz (which is pure suck!).

Shampoo

Step 2: Condition only below the ears

Conditioner is a wonderful and delicious thing and I use it obsessively. But it never needs to go anywhere near your roots. Conditioner will weigh your hair down and make it lay flatter on your head.

Now, if you want flat head, you go on with your bad self. But if you’d like a little volume, no conditioner from the ears up.

And, leave it in your hair for AT LEAST 5 minutes in the shower. I put it on my hair and then wash everything, shave everything and shake my ass while singing “Baby Got Back.” That way I’m multi-tasking in the shower and my hair gets to reap the rewards!

Here’s my conditioner. Again, a little expensive, but laziness will prevail and your wallet won’t feel the hit quite as bad.

LoveConditioner

I also switch up my conditioners occasionally, or put on a 2nd one in the shower if I have the time or inclination. Here are the matching conditioners:

Conditioner

Step 3: Grease it up!

While still in the shower, but after finishing everything else, I use the below oil on my hair. Where do I use it? I hope you said out loud, “Only below my ears!” Mama is proud if you knew the answer!

The reason I use it while still in the shower is that I HATE the feeling of nasty, sticky oil on my hands. Ewwww ick! So, I put in on my hair after I’ve squeezed out all the extra water, then I wash my hands while in the shower. I use 6 pumps of this oil, but I have pretty long hair, so start with less then work your way up if your hair is thin or shorter than mine.

You can also use a quality Moroccan Oil. That stuff can be fabulous.

Oil

Step 4: (Hell yes, there are more steps!) Leave-in conditioner

I’ve used a bunch of leave-in conditioners over the years and my two favorites are:

It's a 10

I put these on after a good towel dry, and then massage them gently (that sounds dirty!) into my hair.

Where do I put this conditioner??? Where oh where you might ask? BELOW MY EARS! 😉

Again, conditioner will weigh down your hair, so you don’t want to put it near your noggin.

When I use the It’s a 10 plus Keratin, I put about 8 sprays on each side of my hair.

When I use the Perfect Ending (which I KNOW they named it that cause it reminds you of a Happy Ending!) I use a glob about the size of a tall dime.

Both of these will help protect your hair and keep it healthier.

Step 5: Just say NO to the greasies!

I have a trick that I use to keep the greasies away: Paul Mitchell Freeze & Shine hairspray.

PaulMitchell

I’ve been using this product for literally over 30 years. It’s the bee’s knees! And it NEVER flakes like a lot of other hairsprays. ‘Cause yeah, that’s what we all want. Hair that is shiny but looks like you have giant lice or heavy dandruff because the stupid hairspray flaked when you brushed your hair the next day.

People should NOT be allowed to sell hairspray if it flakes. I wanna smack ’em! 😉

I spray it all around my roots and a little heavier at my part. I’ll tell you soon why this step is SO important.

Step 6: Go au natural

I try to NEVER dry my hair with a dryer. Why not just put your hair in a frying pan and dry it that way?

Plus, I’m lazy as fuck, so I hate standing there drying it. Boring! If someone else does it for me…well, that’s another story…

Now, is my hair perfect looking when it drys naturally? Heck no. Drying it with a dryer, while brushing it the whole time, smooths the cuticle, so your hair has the APPEARANCE of being healthier. But you are still oven baking it, so if you can avoid the blow dryer, that’s a good thing. Your hair will love you.

Here’s my hair dried naturally. You can see it’s a wee bit bonkers! I was in Vegas, hung over, and I sure as shit was not worried about my hair. 😉

No Blow Dry Hair

Step 7: Don’t go au natural!

I am full of contradictions! 🙂

Since I’ve spared my hair the evils of the blow dryer, now I’m going to put in on a spit and roast it over some flames to get that dang cuticle smoooth.

But, I have a little helper I use to keep my hair from frying while using the dreaded curling or flat iron!

That image is for shit, so here’s the name of it: Ion Heat Protecting Smoothing Spray.

I curl my hair in 6 sections; 3 curls on each side. I spray 2 sprays of this on each section of my hair, then put a quick curl into it. Where do I spray it? Below the ears! 😉

This smooths the cuticle, adds a ridiculous amount of shine and makes me look like I just walked out of a salon.

I use this curling iron:

I like this one for a few reasons:

  1. I’ve dropped it 5,000+ times and it’s never broken.
  2. I’ve had it for 10+ years and it works like it did the day I bought it.
  3. It has a dial on it that lets you pick how hot you want it.

That dial is what can help you smooth your cuticle without setting your hair on fire. Put it down to 20 or so and it’s still hot enough to do what you want, but won’t turn your hair into a crispy critter.

If you want a tight curl, you’ll probably need to have it set closer to its maximum of 30. But if you are just looking to smooth your hair, a lower setting is fine.

Also, I only curl my hair one time between washes. I just do it to smooth the cuticle and once it’s smooth, it’s smooth.

Step 8: The Dodi Ball (I should trademark this shit!)

The Dodi Ball is the best trick of all.

If you want hair that has volume and wave, this is a must.

Plus, if you get hot while you sleep or have hot flashes like my old ass, it’s lovely to have the Dodi Ball in place while you sleep. And if you have long hair, it’ll keep you from getting tangled in it all night.

This is my hair after having the Dodi Ball in all night long:

Jodi and Grant in Washington DC

I, literally, didn’t even brush my hair in the morning.

I took it out of the Dodi Ball and it fell into place like this. HEAVEN because I’ll do just about anything to get 5 more minutes of sleep in the morning. If I can cut “fix fucking hair” out of my agenda, then I’m one happy girl.

So, what is the Dodi Ball and how do you do it?

Before you go to bed, comb your hair with a wide-tooth comb. This is the one I use:

Comb

I bet I don’t touch my hair with a brush but once a week, if that. The wide tooth comb will split your ends less and it’s gentler on your hair than most brushes.

After combing out any tangles, flip over at the waist so that your hair is reaching for the floor.

Wrap your hands around it right up at your head like you are going to put it into a pony tail at the very top of your noggin.

Then twist your hair all the way to the ends. Once you’ve twisted it, keep hold of it and then stand up.

When you look in the mirror, you’ll be holding a length of twisted hair that’s essentially coming out of the crown of your head.

Then keep twisting it and make a bun out of it on top of your hair. Then use a loose scrunchie (how the hell do you spell that??) and wrap the scrunchie around the base of your bun until it stays in place.

The key here is that you don’t want a tight scrunchie because it’ll leave a dent in your hair where the elastic cuts into it. You want a scrunchie that’s tight enough to stay in place, but loose enough to not dent.

I get mine at Walmart, the cheaper the better. I go through every multi-pack of scrunchies they have to find the ones with the loosest elastic and buy those.

If you do get a dent, you can always smooth it with a curling or flat iron, but as my ultimate goal is to wash my hair as infrequently as possible and spend no more than 10 seconds a day on it, I try to avoid the Dodi Ball Hair Dent.

Then, in the morning, take out your Dodi Ball, run your fingers through hair and voila, beautiful, wavy hair that has laid against the grain all night so you will also have way more volume at the root than you would otherwise have.

Throw in a few spritzes of the Paul Mitchell Freeze & Shine and you are ready to go!

Step 9: Quit washing your damn hair so much!

Now, I know this might gross you out, but I only wash my hair every 5 days or so. Sometimes 6. Occasionally 7. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GAWDS, WOMAN? You are gross!

Nope, not gross. Well, not all the time. I do bathe every day. I just don’t get my hair wet.

Back in the 50s (from what my mom tells me) most women washed their hair once a week. They had those beehive hairdos and used lots of Aqua Net. The didn’t walk around with stinky, dirty heads and neither do I, nor will you.

Unless you have naturally greasy hair that looks like you could fry an egg on it after one day without a shampoo, you really don’t have to wash your hair so much.

Remember how Step 5 was all about the hairspray at your roots? This is why!

I do this while my hair is still wet. Having the hairspray up by your roots will keep the oil monster from invading your hair for a few extra days. Less oil monster, less washing, more time to sleep, eat, git sum nookie, etc…

Step 10: It’s stripper time!

In reality, your hair should be smelling pretty damn good at this point. Plus, Paul Mitchell Freeze & Shine smells like Jolly Rancher watermelon candy, so people will want to eat you as-is.

But if you want to have people following you around in stores and dreaming of your hair, put a spray of this onto your lovely locks.

It’s Pink Sugar Hair Perfume (a lovely companion to the Pink Sugar Perfume I wrote about a few years ago) and it’ll make you want to eat your own hair.

It smells like delicious baked goods and sexy strippers. How can you go wrong?

PinkSugarHairPerfume

 

If you want to get any of this stuff, or any other products, here are a few recommendations to get them on the cheap. You can click on the underlined links to get there fast.

I use this site before I shop online for, quite literally, anything. RetailMeNot. You enter in the name of the store you want to shop at and it’ll give you coupon codes you can use.

Ulta carries some of the products I have listed above. If you go to RetailMeNot, they typically have a coupon for $3.50 off a $10.00 purchase. That’s where I get the Joico and Pureology hair care and the Paul Mitchell hairspray.

If you are planning on trying any of the eSalon products, you can click on this link to get a $10.00 discount. eSalon. (I’m pretty sure the promo still works.) Also, I use their hair dye and it is FABULOUS! 🙂

The comb I get from WalMart, though it’s in-store only. I think I got a 2-pack for $3.00 or something like that. Super cheap and awesome.

The Ion Heat Protecting Smoothing Spray comes solely from Sally Beauty Supply and is around $9.00.

And, last but not least, to have a sultry, stripper-esque scent, you gotta get your mitts on the Pink Sugar Hair Perfume. I’d suggest doing a Google search to find the cheapest price.

Whew! That was a lot of info! 🙂 I hope it helps anyone that has medium or long hair but doesn’t want to spend any time babying it. I know I sure don’t!

If all of this works for you, email me a pic! I’d love to see the results.

Hugs! 🙂

 

 

The Illicit, Illegal and Immoral Adventures of Tick Teddy

Well, you guys know that our little Tick Teddy likes to go on wild adventures.

He’s been all over the country and up into Canada, leaving a trail of dead hookers in his wake.

There’s no confining him. No stopping him. He just won’t abide!

This week, Tick Teddy is on Hollywood Boulevard.

He’s laying waste to everything in his path and I will show you the evidence that can certainly (hopefully) be used against him in a court of law.

Tick’s Seemingly Innocent Start

“Hi mama. Daddy left me here while he’s off banging bar slut wannabes. There’s nothing for me to play with. I’m bored mama.”

Tick Bored Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Finds a Friend

“Look who I found, mama! I gots me a Tyrannical Rex to play with. I hope he doesn’t pull me down into a life ‘a crime. I’ma gonna use him to help me see over all the tall people heads. Not to rob banks. No sirreee bob. I promise.”

Tick With T-rex Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick and Daddy Share a Star

“Told you I was gonna be good. Me ‘n Daddy have our own star on the Walk o’ Shame…oh, I means Walk of Fame.”

Tick with Grant Star Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Has a Bad Dream

“Hey mama, I gots you a new boyfriend! He tells me he’s the man that dreams are made of. I’m not sure I believe him mama. Mama???”

Tick with Freddy Kruger Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Finds a Solution

“Whew! No bad dreams for the Tick, mama. I gots me a hundrit percent solution to what ails me.”

Tick with Bongs Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Finds His Father

“Mama, I thought you said Daddy was my Daddy? Then why is this asshat telling me that HE’S my father? What’s goin’ on, mama?”

Tick with Darth Vader Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Breaks the Law

“Look, mama, I had to escape my new Daddy. He touched me in bad places. So, yeah, I’ma gonna turn right on red. I gots ta get outta here and fast!”

Tick Turning Right on Red Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Gets a Close Encounter of the Boobage Kind

“It sure is warm in here mama. Tick likey.”

Tick with Marilyn Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Savors the Spoils

“Now mama, don’t get upset. It’s alcohol-free beer. I ain’t shining you on. You knows I’m a good Tick and would never do anything bad or that would get me in trouble.”

Tick With Beer Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Goes to the Pokey

“Well, mama, it had to happen sumtime. I’m just glad you aren’t around to see it first hand. They’s throwing me in the hootscow. I’ma dun for. Say bye to the other teddies for me. I see the way that ho’se is eyeballin’ me. This ain’t gonna go down easy…”

Tick with Cop Hollywood March 2016

 

Fare thee well, little buddy. Mommy and Daddy will always love you…

PS: Big props to the hubby, who, while out of town and knowing that I miss him terribly, takes Tick on his adventures and sends me these pictures to make me smile. I am truly the most blessed girl on earth. I love you, baby! 🙂