Musings of an Old Hag (but an alive one) on her (almost) Birthday

First and foremost, massive hugs and love to all of you for your many emails, flowers and other goodies you sent to the hospital to cheer me up and the tons of prayers that most certainly kept me alive these last 4 1/2 months.

Also, thanks to the good Lord above for blessing me with a second set of doctors and surgeons who, quite literally, saved my life. I will forever be thankful to God and to them for their gifts of skill and determination to keep me alive.

While the last 47 years have been full of joy and laughter, love and lust, peace and grace, they’ve also been quite full of pain–both of body and mind. I sometimes startle when I think of it. And I think that’s the greatest blessing of all…that the bad hasn’t overcome the good and made my life one of sadness and fear. That I still am a bit shocked when I think of all the trials I’ve been through shows me that it’s not those trials that define who I am, but it’s those trials from which I’ve learned to be who I am.

Since January and the medical issues I went through and am still going through, I’ve endured more physical pain than I ever thought possible. And the emotional toll has been devastating. The fear. No. The terror of everyday life over the last 140 days has been stunning in its endurance. But, even with all that, and what continues to happen as a result of that, I know I’m blessed. And here’s why:

  1. My husband not only tells me he loves me multiple times each day, but he shows me. What’s he’s had to endure watching me go through this mess would have broken a weaker man. Instead, he tells me it’s his privilege and honor to take care of me. I didn’t know love that like existed. A person’s true character shines brightest not in the light, but in the dark. He lit up my entire world and continues to do so.
  2. My sister flew out and took care of me for almost 3 weeks. She made damn sure the doctors, nurses and everyone else that had to do with my care did everything that was required to keep me alive. Her dedication to my health, both physical and mental, was beautiful and more than I ever could have asked for. She was, and continues to be, such an amazing support and shoulder. I don’t know what I’d have done without her.
  3. My mom, God bless her, who is 78 and seen more pain in her life than 10 other people combined, managed to survive all of what has and is happening and not snap or give in to despair. She even makes me a batch of homemade spaghetti sauce every week to cheer me up and make meals easy for me as I’m getting back on my feet.
  4. My 2nd set of doctors and nurses did their damnedest to keep my ass alive. My nurses showed me so much love it overwhelmed my heart. I had one doctor in particular who made me feel safe every time he walked through the door. When you are living in non-stop terror and pain, that reprieve is more valuable than anything on earth.
  5. My home nursing staff breathed love all over me with every visit. I’ll never be able to thank my sweet nurse who managed my care enough. I think of her so often and how her tenderness, love, support and understanding helped me through one of the truly darkest times of my life. I’d never before been so sad and so frozen in fear, but she held my hand and told me I was going to make it through. On her last visit, we both got emotional for we’d forged a bond through pain and understanding that doesn’t go away overnight.
  6. My friends rallied like never before to pray for me, support me and send me love on a continual basis. My sister kept everyone informed over Facebook as to what was going on and the outpouring of tenderness still warms my heart. I still cannot believe the cards, flowers, blankets, teddies and other wonderful tokens of love that my friends sent me to cheer me up. And I still feel bad that somehow all the wonderful notes that came with the heart-felt gifts have vanished. I would love to have been able to reach out to every kind person that sent me a card or gift and thank them profusely–alas, I was very drugged and while I was overwhelmed with thankfulness when my husband read me the cards when delivered, for the life of me I can’t recall about 80% of who sent what–but a HUGE thanks to those of you who sent me reminders that I wasn’t going through this alone. And a HUGE thanks to all of you who reached out virtually to let me know you were praying for me. Those prayers made all the difference.
  7. My ability to forgive hasn’t weakened. For that I’m eternally thankful. Sometimes, the rage and the heartache and the sense of betrayal can be so overwhelming it feels like I’m sinking into a hole from which there is no escape. But before I get to the bottom of it, I remember to forgive. And that pulls me up out of it. Though sometimes that dark hole tugs back, I won’t let it gain purchase for that is place I never want to live.
  8. I’m still alive. Dammit! I’m forever thankful for that. I still get the privilege of loving my husband, my family and my friends. I still get to do my best to bring joy (often through sarcasm!!) to those around me. I still get the pleasure of petting my kitties and taking care of the chickens, hamster and hedgehog. I still get to go to Starbucks and chat with all the wonderful friends I have there (I drink way too many frapps!). I still get to giggle with my hubby about silly things and make my teddy bears have conversations of a most inappropriate sort. I still get to love all the things I loved before…that is truly a blessing. And, most importantly, I didn’t die and leave my family bereaved. The thought of hurting them even more than the last 4 1/2 months already have just tears out my heart. So, I’m forever thankful that they didn’t have to plan a funeral, decide what to do with my stuff, have holidays without me and mourn my loss. The feeling of pain for those I love is always more important to me than my own pain, and I’m blessed to have kept them from that particular kind of anguish.

For those people who’ve been around me, most of you likely think that all is good as I’m still cheerful, quick to giggle and have done everything in my power to stay strong and be thankful for the good things that remain. All of that is true. It’s not a façade. At the same time though, way down deep where fear is a living and breathing thing, I’m truly terrified of the upcoming tests I still have to face and what the results of those may be. I’m very lucky to have a brain that compartmentalizes very well…it lets me get on with life while wrapping up all the pain and fear into a little box that I only let see the light on rare occasions. If you are so inclined, I’d be ever so grateful for continued prayers and healthy vibes. I still have some icky things coming up that scare the ever-loving fuck out of me, so your positive thoughts are so very appreciated. 🙂

I know this hasn’t been my typical post, and I know it’s been a long time since most of you have heard from me at all, but I’ve tried to spend these last months focusing on getting better, reducing my constant fear, learning to live with unexpected consequences, and being thankful that I’m even here to write this.

After 47 years of life I know that the most important things have nothing to do with money, possessions, looks, position, power or any of that other superficial bullshit. What I do know is that allowing people to love you and loving them back with your whole heart is the greatest gift in the world. For that knowledge, I’m forever thankful and blessed.

May you all have a wonderful life and know that I’m always praying for you to be happy, healthy and safe.

Much love,

Jodi

32 comments on “Musings of an Old Hag (but an alive one) on her (almost) Birthday

  1. Jodi! I’ve been away from the blogging world for so, so long and I’ve missed so much. Totally had no idea what you’ve been enduring. But your title made me want to stop by and say hi and wish you a fabulous birthday. Now I want to say more, something, anything, but I haven’t the words. (Part of the reason I stopped blogging…) So sorry you’ve had this/these trial(s) but so very happy you are here to tell about them. Not that I know you at all beyond what your beautifully snarky blog revealed, but assuming that’s always been a fair indication of your tenacity and strength, you’re going to be FINE. I will absolutely be sending vibes of comfort and health and peace your way, and will check in on you again when you write here next.

    Also, I didn’t realize how much I miss you and my other wordpress friends. You might have unintentionally inspired me to rejoin this part of my world.

    All the best to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi sweetie. A big welcome back to both of us. I’ve been on a blogging hiatus too. It’s so dang lovely to hear from you.

      Thanks for the sweetness…it means so much. And I love the description of my blog, “beautifully snarky.” I’m one snarky mama in real life too, so really, you know me quite well. 🙂 If we met at a Starbucks, we’d know each other after hearing one line of conversation! 🙂

      I cant tell you how thankful I am for your words of encouragement. I’m one tough broad, dammit! I’ll get through this if it kills me. 😉

      I hope to see more of you on WordPress, my friend. I’m going to try and get back to it a bit myself. I’ve just been overwhelmed and inarticulate and trying to sleep as much as possible. But I need to get back to normal, dangit!

      Much love, doll, and so very happy to hear from you.
      XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXXO

      Like

  2. I love you Jodi! I’m sorry I never got your gift to you, but I did think about you every single day when you were going through the worst of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sweet girl…your kind thoughts are worth more to me than any material object ever could. You are such a wonderful friend and I’m forever thankful that you sent me what I truly needed…kindness and love.

      Love you too, precious girl. 💗💗💗💗💗

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Your humour, your good nature and of course your damn sexiness have made yo so many friends Jodi and it’s because all those things define you as a person. Hell, don’t let me get serious now. I’m glad you’ve come through these last months and I’m sorry about the pain but that should be dealt with now.
    You’re going to start a whole new period in your life where you know the love others feel, and you’ll hear it from them and share it with the world.
    xxx The biggest hugs possible coming your way xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sweetie so very sorry you have been in so much pain! I am so grateful that you are still alive to remain sweet and sassy! I am so happy that you have lots and lots of love and support! I will be praying the tests you have to go through will not be scary and hopefully the results turn out well! Love you from Oregon! Your friend, Lisa and Bear

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Jedi. I missed your last post for some reason. Yours is one of the few that have come through the moment you post rather than as a weekly digest. I would have said something then if I had.

    I looked back on the one before, and saw that I told you that you would be fine. See? I told you so. You are too stubborn to give up on something you enjoy – like the love from your hubby and for your hubby.

    Although saying that, I am extremely grateful that you are still here to terrorise the teddies. And to make us laugh and blush.

    Take care of yourself Jedi, and continue to get better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey there, sweet stuff! No one has called me Jedi, save for Mom’s voice recognition, in forever! I’ve missed it! 🙂

      Thank God you told me I’d be fine. If not for that presumption of health, shit…I don’t know what would have happened. 🙂 XO

      While you may be grateful that I’m still around to terrorize the teddies, I’m not so sure they are. They’ve been forced to do quite inappropriate things of late. It is truly blissful! Love me a foul-mouthed teddy! 😉

      Give yourself a big hug for me, my friend. Love ya!!! XOXXO

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Soooo so happy to see a post on here young lady! I am glad you are on the mend. Being ill can be so exhausting and challenging to the body as well as the mind. You are truly blessed to have the wonderful support you have. I will continue to pray. Please keep us posted! And Happy (almost) Birthday!!! 😉 Love ya chickie!! 💖😚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the continued prayers. I just wanna come find you and squeeze you til you pop! 🙂 You are such a lovely part of the amazing support system I have and it means the world.

      I’m doing my best to keep my chin up and reminding myself not to worry about things I can’t control and not to cry over spilled milk. Helps keep me sane.

      Thanks for the early birthday wishes, doll.

      Hug yourself (and pinch yourself on that cute ass for me)!

      LOOOOOOVE you!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. What a heartfelt post, so glad you are surrounded with love and have love to give…so special to feel and appreciate. Courage to you through this challenging journey, may all your pain be forgotten and you heal soon!

    Like

    • Oh sweetie…you always know just what to say. 🙂 Thank you.

      I am truly blessed to have the amazing support system that I do. I thank God for it every day.

      I know that eventually all these medical issues will work themselves out. I have faith.

      Thanks for the sweetness, luv! Tons of hugs! XO

      Like

What'cha think? Leave your comment here.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s