My Insane Sunday

Story 1:

This is why owning weird pets is horrifying when your husband is out of town. So we have Pokey the Hedgehog, otherwise known as Monster. Monster gets live superworms everyday, which is revolting enough. But every time I open the lid to where we keep the worms, just like I did a few minutes ago to give them food so that they stay healthy and pass along those healthy vitamins to Pokey, the condensation from worm goo always splashes on to me.

There is no amount of bleach or lye in the world that can ever make me feel clean again after having worm juice splatter all over me. And I’m not particularly squeamish about things, but worm juice? It landed on my arm, my hand, MY CHEEK!!!! Good Lord. My cheek. I can probably cut off the arm and manage a fairly reasonable life, but I can’t cut off my face! What’s a girl to do?

Well, I’m going to go vomit now. Kidding, but that’s how grossed out I am. Those worms will be lucky if they get this food ever again until the hubby gets home. ICK!

Of course, we all know that deep down I’m a big softy, so I will give them more food. But I will want to puke the whole time.

Story 2:

You might think that being splashed with worm juice would be the hardest part of my day today. That would be inaccurate.

I’m trying to make the house somewhat less disgusting because my darling friend Brenda (literally known her since we were 1 and 2 years old) will be in town and I don’t want her to vomit when she walks in my house because I have not really been able to do any cleaning for the last nine months and she is very neat. She even vacuums when we are on vacation–God bless her.

So I very stupidly, very very stupidly, sit on the floor to try and reupholster a sofa cushion which is about the size and weight of a queen-sized mattress. Β Keep in mind, I haven’t done more than walk to the bathroom for the last 9 months, but I’m determined to have a decent looking house when she visits. So, there I am… using those upholstery twisty things trying to clamp this king-sized blanket on to this enormous sofa cushion which weighs more than a car. I’m huffing and I’m puffing and I’m exhausted by the time I’m done. And then I realize I can’t get off the fucking floor.

I’m still in my boot after surgery on my foot, so that entire leg is essentially useless because I can’t get it underneath myself or put full weight on it. And while my arm that was broken is mostly better, it still can’t take any real weight.

So I have only a right foot, a right arm and I’m trying to get my wider-than-usual ass up off the floor. I tried everything. I tried rolling around. I tried getting on my knees. You would think I’d be a pro at that by now, but it did not help in this particular case. πŸ˜‰ I tried rocking back and forth to build up some momentum. I rolled onto the sofa cushion figuring that would give me an extra 4 inches of lift. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

It was only through the grace of God, who I’m quite sure was laughing hysterically at me, and some magical hand reaching into my dining room and pulling my ass up off the floor that I’m not still sitting there. I should have taken a video of it. It was the most ridiculous 20 minutes of my life! And, of course the phone was no where near me so I couldn’t call someone to come lift my ass up off the floor!

Anyway, I finally manage to get up off the floor, and then I had to move that heavy motherfucking cushion from the dining room onto the sofa in the family room and by the time I got it on there I realized that I’m never moving again for the rest of the day. If I have to use the bathroom I’m just going to pee on the sofa.

Conclusion:

That was my Sunday. WTF was I thinking? Have I lost my mind? I need to just stay on the sofa, not move and say fuck it to anything that’s still messy. That’s my vow and I’m sticking to it!

Love you guys!!! πŸ™‚ XOXO

 

13 comments on “My Insane Sunday

    • Seriously, it was such a clusterfuck you would have died laughing if you had seen it. First getting splashed with worm goo and then literally being stuck on the floor for 20 minutes. It was like an episode of fucking Benny Hill. Or I Love Lucy. Or some such thing that just makes a person look like an idiot.

      And you’re totally right, my house could be a disgusting pig hole and she would not care whatsoever. But the last time she was here I hadn’t been living with Grant very long and let me just tell you this house was worse than any frat house or bachelor pad you’ve ever seen. It was revolting. A bunch of grimy, dirty men lived here and you were afraid to sit on any of the furniture because something might crawl up and kill you. And I’ve spent the last decade making every room in this house beautiful, so I just want her to see how pretty it looks now.

      I know that’s all on me because I know she doesn’t care, but damn it, I worked my ass off to make this house pretty and it’s going to look pretty if I have to roll around on the floor for 20 minutes to try and get my ass up off of it!

      I’m very blessed to have her as my best friend. We met when she was, I think, about 6 months old and I’m about 10 months older than her and we’ve been friends ever since. She wouldn’t care about anything including my near baldness, my supremely wide ass, or a dirty house. But that doesn’t mean I’m not wearing a badass wig and at least trying to clean my house a little bit.

      Luckily, Grant did the lion’s share of cleaning before he went up to Minnesota for his brother’s wedding. So there’s really not that much to do for me. Just a few teddy bears to organize and a sweeper to run and all should be good.

      Love you cutie pie! πŸ’—πŸ’–πŸ’œπŸ’›β€πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ’žπŸ’Ÿβ£

      Liked by 1 person

  1. “So I very stupidly, very very stupidly, sit on the floor ….” I facepalmed at this point. Knowing what it is like for me when I plop onto the floor, I knew the problems you were going to have getting back up. I normally bottom shuffle to a couch or something. And then get yelled at by my kids lol.

    Are you sure that worm juice wasn’t worm jizz? Can you image worm spunk over your face? Ewww sounds like a very bad porn film.

    At least you can say “It could be worse” but I wouldn’t advise saying it lol.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ha! Worm jizz. I cannot fathom anything on the face of the planet grosser than that. And it probably is worm jizz. What the fuck else do they have to do while they’re hanging around in there, curled all around each other? Now I’m going to vomit.

      And I’m so glad that my misery could bring you joy. πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ˜œπŸ˜œ

      I feel bad that both of us have to go through the same thing when we get on the floor. It’s literally hell on Earth. No one who’s ever gotten stuck on the floor, with no one around to help them, could even imagine the fucking frustration of being stuck on the floor. It’s absolutely insane.

      At first it’s frustrating.

      Then it’s fucking funny, because you have to laugh or you’ll scream.

      Then it’s less funny.

      And then it turns into a stream of profanity that would scare the mouth off a trucker.

      I used words in combinations that I have never even thought of before. I’m sure that my cats, my hamster, my hedgehog, my chickens, and my bunnies, all thought that I was being slaughtered by a murderer in the next room. And then once I got up and I was so tired from all of the energy I expended trying to get my ass off the floor, I then had to move that big fucking cushion from the dining room into the family room. I can’t begin to express to you how large this sofa cushion is. It’s the biggest sofa cushion I’ve ever seen in my life anywhere and it weighs more than I do. I do not know what I was thinking. I’m clearly a lunatic!!!!

      Other than getting stuck on the floor along with me, I hope all is well with you sweetheart. You know how much I adore you…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah it’s funny after a little while and then vexing. I am going to have to see about getting a lift to get my fat ass off the floor. I haven’t used my wheelchair in a while though so that’s good.

        At least dragging the cushion you had something to plop onto. Getting back up wouldn’t be fun though. Unless you bounce up and down enough for it to launch you up.

        YOu’re getting there though. Make sure to keep smiling.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Exactly! Vexed to annoyed to entertained to vexed again to FUCKING HOMICIDAL!!!!!!!

        Glad you’ve been able to escape the wheelchair a bit. Relying the last 9 months on walkers, canes, crutches and scooters has SUCKED!!! Nothing like some freedom from mechanical aids!

        After rolling to some furniture to use to haul myself up, I had a massive case of the giggles. Well, they were WTF giggles, but at least I didn’t smash anything!!! πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ˜šπŸ˜šπŸ˜šπŸ˜š

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      • Escaping the wheelchair, but I am hoping to be able to escape the house as well. I haven’t set foot outside since March this year, and a total of three times in the last 12 months.

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      • Sweetie…I feel your pain. I’m so sorry you have to go through that. While I love being in my house and am, for the most part, a homebody, I sometimes think: IF I DON’T GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW I’M GOING TO SET THE FUCKING PLACE ON FIRE AND HAPPILY BE BURNED TO DEATH!!!

        Then, I remember that I don’t like pain, fire, being homeless, killing my pets or the hubs and think, well…shit. No fires for me today.

        But I get it. Save for VERY few exceptions, I’ve only left the house since January to go be tortured by doctors, so in that case, I’d rather have stayed IN the fucking house.

        As sweet as we both are…humming birds should flutter around us and bring us beaks full of gold and honey. Yep. I’d prefer that.

        Good luck getting the hell out of the house and know I’m there, with my invisible hands, trying to hold you up and keep you safe. XOXOXO

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. I much appreciate it.

        I know I want to get out, and I need to get out, but it has been so long the thought scares the crapiolas out of me. Maybe I will just stay in my nice comfortable flat for the remainder of my days lol

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  2. lovely to see you blogging again, having lizzards and snakes, and spiders brings a whole new meaning to yukky food, especially when you get a plague of locus escape around the house because your fuckwit husband forgot to put the lid on the pot lol oh I am now on a new blog https://thecontinuumrisingfromtheashes.wordpress.com/ as I was running out of space on my ramblings of a strange woman one, and also thought the kids needed some more privacy now,. Ann x (just incase you wondered who i was lol )

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