Feb 4 2020

A Tale of Pee Pee Horror!

So, there I am, in the girl’s room, mid-pee, when a GIANT water bug (we call them sewer roaches because they are disgusting, huge, live around water and come in through your plumbing) runs right over my foot (MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!) and decides to hang out by the bathroom door.

I, being the little scaredy cat that I am, start screaming expletives by the dozen.

“Fuck! Shit! What do I do? How do I kill this fucking nightmare? Why me? Someone kill me! Ahhhhh fuck! No! Just no! Shit! Shit! Why did God make these fuckers so big? How are they helping the environment? Fuuuuuuuuuuck me!”

With nothing but abject horror coursing through my veins, I jump up (yes, dripping did occur) and stand there, terrified, like a deer in the headlights.

I’m too scared to even pull up my drawers because taking my eyes off it for even a moment might lead to its escape.

I’m too scared to NOT pull up my drawers because what if it comes after me, with the vengeance that I know is in its disgusting little heart, and runs up my leg into my who-ha.

I’m too scared to try and get past it, so I stand there doing the hoppy-scared-shitless dance.

I’m too scared that if I do get past it to try and find the weapon of its demise, because I can’t see anything in the damn bathroom to end its life with, that it will escape and I’ll find it resting happily on my mouth as I’m trying to go to sleep tonight. (There is NO coming back from that–mental institution, prep me a room.)

I’m too scared to squish it, as it’s the size of a small dog. And I have nothing to squish it with except part of my own body (ummmm… no. Never. Not happening. Nope.).

So, I grab the Paul Mitchell Freeze and Shine hairspray and drown it.

I mean, I emptied half that damn bottle onto the dog-sized sewer roach. No amount of alcohol-filled product could be enough to kill that survive-a-nuclear-bomb nightmare of a predator.

I soak that bastard until I ruin the hardwood floor with all the hairspray. And then I wait. And wait. And wait.

After waging war with my own brain for 10 minutes (“Jodi, the damn thing is dead. It’s safe to move.” versus “Are you fucking kidding? Don’t you dare move! It’s playing opossum!”) I finally ran past it, screaming and twitching from the horror, grabbed a bowl from the kitchen, returned to the scene of the crime, and sealed it in its bowl sarcophagus.

I had the twitchies for the next two days. I KNEW that every itch was some gruesome, prehistoric beetle digging its way into my skin or crawling around in my hair. Of course it wasn’t, but damn if you could tell that to my brain. Thank God I sleep with ear plugs or I’d have never slept with the fear of its relatives laying eggs in my ears.

I still fear retribution from its friends and family.

And no, I have not been back into that bathroom yet. Nope. Need more time to heal. 😉

16 comments on “A Tale of Pee Pee Horror!”

    • That is THE BEST THING I’VE HEARD ALL DAY!!! Making you giggle makes my heart happy. Making you pee yourself makes happy for a month!!!

      Nothing like a good pee pee horror story. I still have the heebie jeebies!
      🤪🤮🤢😉🙂😘❤

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  3. This is hilarious, Jodi, and conjures up some vivid images – I’m trying to keep them clean in my mind, but it’s hard, so very hard. I hope you have more than one bathroom in your house, or you must be ready to burst by now 😉

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  8. A horror story indeed! Kind of funny though 😀 Jokes aside, I can’t stand bugs either. Especially cockroaches ewww! One time had a disgusting experience, this time was a big earwig . Just in case you haven’t heard about it here’s the “wikinfo” https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Earwig Pretty disgusting right? In my country we call it “Tijerilla” which translates as “Little scissors” Because of the end of its tail , which resembles a little scissors.
    Anyway, this came out of the drain just when I opened the shower. It came towards my feet, so I aimed and peed on it like a water-pistol! Et voila! it twitched like in “your worst day stomachache” until it didn’t move anymore. A second experience with these scary fellows, led me to experience with shampoo , and it worked like a charm 😉
    I guess we all have had these kind of situations , but nobody writes about them as amusing as you do. Keep up the good work sweet lady and plenty of blessing to your home.

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    • Oh my gosh!!! You poor thing! Attacked by icky earwigs! I’ve seen one of those monstrous bastards–ewwww!!! I’d never feel safe in the shower again!!! I love your weapons of choice! While I don’t have the aiming power you have (boys have so much more pee pee fun than girls!!), I can grab the shampoo for future raids. Thank God these nasty little shits are typically outdoor bugs. They rarely get into the house. But when they do? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! It breaks my brain.

      So good hearing from you, doll! Many blessings to you, too!
      ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

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