Musings of an Old Broad on her Birthday

As always, I am truly amazed and thankful to have such a blessed life.

That I’ve reached 46 (WHAT THE FUCK??? HOW AM I NOT STILL 22???) and am, for the most part, healthy, and for the full part, happy, is simply incredible and I don’t take a moment of it for granted.

When I think back on my life, where I’ve been, am, and will be, it feels like every single thing has led me to this wonderful place where I smile every day.

It hasn’t been easy over the years. It’s been pretty damn hard a lot of the time. But my 40s have taught me so much about what is truly important in life that I’m forever grateful for every wrinkle, scar and extra pound on my ass because each of them brought me to where I am.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I sound like a fuckin’ Hallmark card…but I’m allowed.  ;) It’s my birthday, dangit (well, this is getting posted a day late, so I have all the extra wisdom that one extra day has brought me).

So, in the tradition of my other birthday posts, I’m going to list things that I’ve learned this year and things for which I’m thankful.

Things I’ve Learned:

  1. Being patient, even when pushed to the brink of homicide, is a gift that should be used often.
  2. Some people just don’t listen and/or have any sense of recall. While it drives me absolutely bonkers when I’ve said something 4600 times and then hear “No, you never mentioned that before,” people are who they are and no amount of trying to make them remember shit will help. So, I’ve learned to just live with it or write stuff down for them so there can be no confusion.
  3. This is not a new piece of learning, but I was sorely tested to keep this in mind over the past year: Some people that you are forced to deal with are just total fuckheads and there’s nothing you can do about it. I got so mad the other week I threw my phone across the room and sat there fuming for 5 minutes while the conversation carried on without me. It was either be off the phone for a few or say things I wouldn’t regret, but would get me in trouble anyway. So, I guess I did learn that a good phone throw can, at least, be temporarily satisfying.
  4. Not listening to the advice of people who dislike you for their own stupid reasons is the very best thing you can do. Like my mom always said, “Consider the source.” If someone’s an asshat or a bitch and they tell you how YOU need to change so that they can be happier, tell them to go eat a bag dicks.
  5. Never, ever, ever, ever, and I do mean NEVER talk politics with anyone you aren’t willing to fight with. It’s so stupid, as everyone is welcome to their opinion, but people go bat shit crazy with politics and it just isn’t worth it (in my book at least). You go on with your bad self if you like to talk politics, but count my ass OUT.😉
  6. Swimming with otters is the best damn pastime on earth and there is no doubt that one day I need to move further north to a state with green everywhere and bunnies, squirrels and deer roaming freely in my backyard.
  7. There are few better things you can do to create a happy life than be kind to others.
  8. I love my sister more and more every year. She and I may have had a few tiffs over the last 5 decades, but I don’t know what I would do without her.

Things For Which I’m Thankful:

  1. I am so deeply thankful for the way my mom raised me. I know I’m a mouthy broad, but she raised me to be kind, and not judge people, and always think of what someone may be going through and how that might affect them and their actions before responding in any given way to their behavior. She raised me to be polite, but say what I think in a tactful way (most of the time!). She raised me to have deep faith in God, and I’m so happy for that, as it brings me peace every day of my life…every moment.
  2. I’m thankful that I’m still around to write this post. As many of you know, I’ve been dead, like actually dead dead, more than once. And to be here, happy, mostly healthy, and in such a wonderful place in my life, thrills me to my toes.
  3. I’m thankful for the family I was born into and wouldn’t trade them for the world.
  4. I’m thankful for the wonderful friends I’ve made over the years and feel truly blessed that so many of them are still in my life.
  5. I’m thankful that I have a great job where I get to use my brain (sometimes too much!) to help make little kids have a better education. That helps me sleep better at night knowing that I’m giving a little back to a world that has given me so much.
  6. I’m thankful that I have a “If they don’t like me, they can bite me” attitude.:) It took me a lot of years to get there, but there is nothing better than removing that stress from my life. Total bliss.
  7. I’m thankful I had otter paws in my mouth!!!!:)
  8. While my hubby has always been the most kind, generous, loving and thoughtful man, over the last year he’s made it even more clear that he really, truly loves me as I am and wants nothing more than for me to be happy. If that doesn’t make a girl thankful every minute of every day, I don’t know what does.
  9. And last but not least (as this list could go on for 300 items, so I’m trying to keep it short), I’m thankful for my new HEDGEHOG!!!! The hubby got this precious little guy for me for my birthday and I’M IN LOVE!!!!!!

(These pics are screenshots from a video, so they are for shit quality-wise, but he’s too cute not to share!)

Hedgehog and Jodi June 5

Hedgehog and Jodi June 5

Hedgehog and Jodi June 5

Isn’t he precious??!!! I’m in love!!

Well, in closing, thanks for putting up with me for another year. You guys rule and I hope that each of you has a life and a birthday that brings you nothing but joy.

Much love!

Bessssssssssssssst Day of My Life!!!! :) Seriously. Best. Day. Ever.

Next to marrying my hottie pie hubby, this was, and I mean it, the best day of my life.

This is just a precursor to a future, more detailed post, but I just had to share my ridiculously happy adventure!

Can I pet your face, mama?

Now, just so you know, the lovely people who run this amazing Otter Heaven don’t let the otters stick their paws in your mouth. This one just snuck her little paw onto my lip and I wasn’t about to complain. Having an otter on my mug is pretty much my biggest dream come true! But the wonderful otter parents always made sure both me and my sweet little otter buddies were safe and happy. I’d say they succeeded beautifully!

Kissy kiss kiss kiss!

Kissy kiss kiss kiss!

"...sunshine, on my otter, makes me happy..." (to the tune of Sunshine on my Shoulders) :)

“…sunshine, on my otter, makes me happy…” (to the tune of Sunshine on my Shoulders):)

Me, deliriously happy, staring at otters as they stalked their prey (me!).

Me, deliriously happy, staring at otters as they stalked their prey (me!).

 

Help! I'm getting otter mugged! (I'm in HEAVEN!!)

Help! I’m getting otter mugged! (I’m in HEAVEN!!) And yes, there is an otter head in my cleavage. Stinker!

In all my life I never dreamed that I would be this blessed.

I’ve always joked that when I die, and hopefully go to Heaven, that God will let me frolic around with a bunch of non-pooping otters. Yes. I’m not even kidding. That’s my idea of Heaven.

And that dream came true and I didn’t even have to die. Yay!

JODI LOVES OTTERS!!!!!!

 

You are my sunshine…my only sunshine…

You guys know that in addition to being a foul-mouthed trollop, I’m also a squishy little cuddle bun bun with my hubby.

We text each other a few times during the day just to say, “I love you, Stinker!” Or, “How’s my little Muffininator’s day going?”

He’ll send me imgur images of frolicking otters or baby squirrels. Yep, I’m a total sap! Alas, that is not news to any of you.:)

So, today I thought I’d liven up an I Love You text to the man with this cute little gif:

iloveyoubun

The hubby just loved it!

So, I thought I’d share with you a bunch of gifs I pilfered from Google Images so that you can nab them and text or email them to your honey bunny (or mom, sister, brother, dog, kid, cat, hamster…whoever has an Internet connection).

For Windows users, you should be able to right click on them, select Save Image As, then save them to your local drive for future uploading into a text message or email.

For Mac users, I guess you just think to yourself, “Mac, upload this image and send to wifey,” and it’ll read your mind and do it all for you. If that, for some odd reason, doesn’t work, maybe click and hold???? It’s been so long since I worked on a Mac that I’ve forgotten anything I ever knew about them. I’m a slave to Bill Gates apparently. NOOOOO!!!!😉

Here ya go! Cuteness galore…

DancingILoveYou DoggyLove FancyILoveYou HappyFaceILoveYou ILoveYouBlinkyHeart IMissYou KittyLove LoveForever MousyLove ScoobyLove SparkleLove TeddyHeartsLoveYou TeddyLove YouAre

And lastly, for those of you who kind of love/hate your mate, here’s a super creepy one that both shouts love and is the precursor to nightmares:

CreepyClownLove

Now go send some love to your honey!

Or don’t.

You can always instead send them dancing poop to say hi.😉

PoopDance

Alright Stop! Critter Time!

Hello, my lovely friends.

I’ve missed you guys. I swear my day job is trying to kill me. Damn needing-a-paycheck, not-independently-wealthy person that I am, I just can’t bear to look at a computer after the day ends.

But, I did take a little time to download some pics from the camera to show you some of the AMAZING critters the hubby and I saw when we were at the San Diego Zoo and Bearizona. I quite literally have about 3000 pictures to go through (someone please kill me), so there will be more down the road.

I hope you love the furries! XOXOXO

First, the San Diego Zoo.

Tongue-sticky-outty Panda!

Panda San Diego Zoo, October 2015

I likes ta play the drums in my spare time.
Panda San Diego Zoo, October 2015 a

Here’s a little Panda video for your viewing pleasure. Nom nom nom!:)

Oh, and for the most part, whenever you see the camera shake, it’s because I was being assaulted by ants! Little biting bastards!

 

We did a special behind-the-scenes tour at the Zoo and were able to go into the animals’ habitats…hence the close up pictures with no cages or fences in the way.:)

Can I help you, ma’am? Quit starin’ at me!

Polar Bear San Diego Zoo, October 2015

Yeah, that’s MY woman. Back off or I’ll maul your ass!

Polar Bear San Diego Zoo, October 2015 a

And now to Bearizona!

Mr. Bear was about 3 feet away from our car. Of course, being the rule-breaking mo fo that I am, I had the window down. How’s he supposed to hear me talking to him with the window up?😉

Bear

Owlie-kins was awesome! Last time we met him, he hooked his claws into my hair. Totally kick ass!

Owlie

Owlie

I love me some kitties! I love me some kitties!

Lynx

Okay, so it’s a little blurry. But he’s yawning!

Lynx

We’re just sleepin’, mama. Leave us alone!

Wolfie

Seriously, this wolf was 2 feet from us. And yes, again, the window was down. I was glad they didn’t throw us out!

Wolfie

Last but not least, here a few of the hubby and me enjoying our mini-vacations.:)

I can think of few things better than being mauled by a million speckle-butted deer!

Jodi at the Deer Farm, Williams AZ October 2105

Who doesn’t love feeding an Okapi?

Grant and Okapi San Diego Zoo, October 2015

My baby and me at Mission Beach, California. His only goal for the weekend was to walk on the beach at sunset with me. I sometimes think he truly was grown in a pod just for me.:)

Grant and Jodi at Mission Bay, California October 2015

Grant and Jodi at Mission Bay, California October 2015 a

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Hearts

…the mice will play (and rant!)!

I know, I’ve been gone forever!!

I did not die, I promise.

I’ve pondered murder once or twice though.😉

I hope everyone is doing beautifully and gearing up for a fabulous summer. I intend on spending mine in my air conditioned house as it’s too damn hot outside.

Okay, so while I’ve been toiling away at the day job 15 hours a day (which greatly prohibits me from enjoying myself in my real life, dammit!) I’ve come across some shit I just have to share. I’m going to try to keep it to a list form so it’s not a tome, but you guys know I can go on and on and on…😉

1. McDonalds: KEEP YOUR FILTHY FUCKIN’ HANDS OFF MY DESSERT!!!

So, I only eat McDonald’s about twice a year cause that shit’ll kill you, but I do occasionally swing by to get a kiddie-sized cone. They’re super adorable, 45 calories and just enough to quench my craving. (Side note: once I type something incorrectly it takes me 15 tries to get it right. I had to type the word “enough” literally about 9 times before typing it correctly. Blasted non-working appendages!) Okay, so back to McD’s.

I went to the one in the Wallymart and ordered a kiddie cone. The young man who goes to make it was, and I kid you not, just emptying the trash. So, he grabs the cone with his filth covered, un-gloved mitts and puts the ice cream in it. THEN he sets it down on the freaking counter that people sneeze, cough and set their children’s grubby butts on. Why didn’t he just wipe his ass with it and then hand it to me?

So, I look at the girl behind the counter and say, “I’m totally not a germaphobe. I’ll eat stuff that’s been on my kitchen floor for 3 days. But would you mind making me a kiddie cone since you weren’t just emptying the trash? And would you mind not setting it on the counter?” She smiles, seemingly genuinely, and says sure.

On her way to grab the cone she sneezes wildly. Of course. But in an effort to not dirty her hands she doesn’t cover her nose and mouth, so great mists of snot just go EVERYWHERE! You can see the mist glittering in the overhead light. And what do you think she sneezed on besides half the country? Yep. All of the unwrapped kiddie cones.

Does this deter her? Nope. She picks up a snot covered nightmare, fills it with ice cream, doesn’t even consider wearing gloves or holding the now-wet cone with a napkin, and hands it to me and says, “I totally understand. I wouldn’t want to eat anything off that counter either.”

Can we all just say it together? Fuck me. No cone for Jodi today!

2. People in General: IF YOU DON’T FUCKIN’ KNOW WHAT A PSYCHOLOGICAL TERM ACTUALLY MEANS, DON’T FUCKIN’ USE IT!

I’m lucky enough to have to interact with an asshat (“enough” only took 7 tries this time!) on a daily basis. This person makes me wanna pull my eyes out of my head, then slam my blind noggin into plate glass because the pain of that is far less than putting up with their dumb ass. It’s like interacting with a narcissistic monkey trained to torment me to the point of self-mutilation.

Somehow, I typically get to be the lucky recipient of the preponderance of this person’s shit. And the other day, while whining like a small child who didn’t get a second cookie before dinner, this person tells me that I’m passive aggressive. HA! Now, I gotta tell you…I’ve been called a lot of things in life (luckily, most of them have not been unkind) but passive aggressive? Have you guys ever known me to be passive aggressive? Aggressive? Sure. I’m no wilting flower. But passive aggressive?

Passive aggressive is the mother-in-law who, while dragging her white-gloved finger across the top of your door frame, looks at you with a big smile and says, “Oh, how lovely. You found the time after all that shopping you do to clean the house. What a good wife you are to my son.” Of course, you wanna kill the bitch, but she says it so sweetly–even though you and I (and she) know it’s layered with a million small cuts that will eventually be the end of you.

So, for all the asshats out there with which I am forced to deal, here are a few definitions of passive aggressive. If you’re going to insult me, at least get it right.

  • Of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.
  • Being marked by or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness).
  • Behavior that is exhibited by a person who is dissatisfied, uncooperative or unhappy but who doesn’t want to be overtly mean or rude. Instead, the person behaves in a subtly contrary way.

So, now that we’ve seen it in black and white, how on God’s green earth does this describe me?

My guess is that this person tried to figure out something to say that they hoped would be insulting to me while making them seem intelligent and abused by mean old me. Hmmmmm…you’re talking to the wrong person, buddy. What a fucknut.

3: Teddy bears (which should be ONE WORD, dammit!) are the most awesome thing on earth.

I have made it my mission to buy every 1987 Gund Daisy Cow teddy bear I can find. I have 7 of them.

Yes, I’m quite certain that makes me insane, or very close to it.

I’m sure I probably need some sort of medication. But I love those damn things so much! And I want to rescue them from homes that no longer want them. Who would SELL a teddy bear? That’s jacked up. But, I’m lucky people do cause I snatch ’em up. And there’s nothing really wrong with selling a teddy. I just can’t bear to let any of them escape me and my clutches!😉

4: I’m totally happy for and supportive of Bruce Jenner–you do your thing and have a joyful life…but…

In his interview with Diane Sawyer he’s essentially asking people to accept him for who he is, not judge, and understand that everyone is different and that that’s not just okay but should be celebrated. I could not agree more. You guys know I don’t care about anyone’s religion, race, sexuality (but leave the sheep alone please…they can’t consent!😉 ). I truly believe people should be encouraged to be who they are and achieve all the joy they can get out of a pretty tough world. Acceptance of other people is one of the single greatest gifts you can give to yourself and everyone else on the planet. (Okay, getting off my soapbox!):)

BUT! If you are going to ask for people to be non-judgmental, then maybe you should practice what you preach. There was a scene where he was talking about beating the Russian in the Olympics and he mentions that he ran into the same Russian 30 or so years later. Then he laughs and brings up how the Russian had gotten fat, so he (Bruce) won twice because he’s still in great shape.

Ummm…so not cool. You can judge people for being in their 60s and being overweight–we aren’t supposed to look 20 forever!–but you want no one to judge you? How about you start with kindness towards others first?

I was very disappointed. But I still hope he finds great joy, love and a tremendous amount of support.

5. Jamie Dornan is NOT MY CHRISTIAN GREY!!!!😉

I know. Shut up! Not a good movie. But I had to. It was like the Twilight books. Had to read them. Had to watch the movies, even though I, honest to God, laughed my ass off throughout the entire first movie. It looked like they’d just hosed the vamps down with baby powder. Truly funny. Anyway, there’s no accounting for my taste and I make no excuses! Sometimes a girl has to step away from Dante and read some juicy shit.

But, why couldn’t Jax from Sons of Anarchy have stayed cast as Mr. Grey? He didn’t exactly fit the mold either, but damn…that would have made the movie more tolerable. Jax is kinda pretty, ya know. And while I rarely comment on the prettiness of another man out of respect to the hubby, I think they look a little bit alike, so I don’t think I should feel bad for commenting on Jax’s hotness.😉

 

I will say this about the movie…in one scene he says to the girl something to the effect of, “I’d like to fuck you into the middle of next week.”

Uhhhh…mmmm…yeah. That’s a good thing to say. I think any man with a willing woman should go say that to her right now. Total yum! Lust is very underrated.😉 Quit reading this and go bang your hot woman!

Okay, I’ve typed my fingers bloody. Must go watch some TV and let the brain relax.

Love you guys and I hope you all have a wonderful (and long if you are in the States) weekend.

HUGS!! XOXOXOXO

PS: Wednesday morning at 4:35 am I awoke to the sound of my kitty horking up a hair ball. Then one minute later woke up further to the cold, wet spew of her vomit in my hair, on my neck and running down my cleavage. So, if you see me on Cops being arrested for kitty-i-cide, you now know why.😉