A Tale of Pee Pee Horror!

So, there I am, in the girl’s room, mid-pee, when a GIANT water bug (we call them sewer roaches because they are disgusting, huge, live around water and come in through your plumbing) runs right over my foot (MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!) and decides to hang out by the bathroom door.

I, being the little scaredy cat that I am, start screaming expletives by the dozen.

“Fuck! Shit! What do I do? How do I kill this fucking nightmare? Why me? Someone kill me! Ahhhhh fuck! No! Just no! Shit! Shit! Why did God make these fuckers so big? How are they helping the environment? Fuuuuuuuuuuck me!”

With nothing but abject horror coursing through my veins, I jump up (yes, dripping did occur) and stand there, terrified, like a deer in the headlights.

I’m too scared to even pull up my drawers because taking my eyes off it for even a moment might lead to its escape.

I’m too scared to NOT pull up my drawers because what if it comes after me, with the vengeance that I know is in its disgusting little heart, and runs up my leg into my who-ha.

I’m too scared to try and get past it, so I stand there doing the hoppy-scared-shitless dance.

I’m too scared that if I do get past it to try and find the weapon of its demise, because I can’t see anything in the damn bathroom to end its life with, that it will escape and I’ll find it resting happily on my mouth as I’m trying to go to sleep tonight. (There is NO coming back from that–mental institution, prep me a room.)

I’m too scared to squish it, as it’s the size of a small dog. And I have nothing to squish it with except part of my own body (ummmm… no. Never. Not happening. Nope.).

So, I grab the Paul Mitchell Freeze and Shine hairspray and drown it.

I mean, I emptied half that damn bottle onto the dog-sized sewer roach. No amount of alcohol-filled product could be enough to kill that survive-a-nuclear-bomb nightmare of a predator.

I soak that bastard until I ruin the hardwood floor with all the hairspray. And then I wait. And wait. And wait.

After waging war with my own brain for 10 minutes (“Jodi, the damn thing is dead. It’s safe to move.” versus “Are you fucking kidding? Don’t you dare move! It’s playing opossum!”) I finally ran past it, screaming and twitching from the horror, grabbed a bowl from the kitchen, returned to the scene of the crime, and sealed it in its bowl sarcophagus.

I had the twitchies for the next two days. I KNEW that every itch was some gruesome, prehistoric beetle digging its way into my skin or crawling around in my hair. Of course it wasn’t, but damn if you could tell that to my brain. Thank God I sleep with ear plugs or I’d have never slept with the fear of its relatives laying eggs in my ears.

I still fear retribution from its friends and family.

And no, I have not been back into that bathroom yet. Nope. Need more time to heal. 😉

Truth 17: It’s Not About Your Pant Size (oh, and love yourself dammit!)

 

I’m ranting, but ranting from the purest love in my heart. If my rant helps even one person feel better about themselves or changes the view of one person, then it was worth throwing a very public fit with no makeup, unbrushed hair, etc…

Everyone on TV, in movies and magazines tells you that you need to be better. Screw them. You are beautiful as you are.

I love you guys and just want all of you to be happy and healthy!

PS: I know there are other sub-plots to the movie like skinny girls are insecure too, etc… I’m just covering the main idea of the movie I’m about to throw down on, but don’t worry, I didn’t miss the other subtexts that zoomed by in the blink of an eye.

 

Have a great weekend everyone!

Love ya!

Truth 16: Eulogy for a Beloved Friend

 

Many of you saw my post on suicide from earlier this year, but what I didn’t share was the video eulogy I did for my dear friend (well, if I’m being honest FTF) Thommi since I couldn’t attend his memorial. Not attending it was so desperately hard, but I hope my video captured my feelings about Thommi taking his own life and the joy he brought to so many while here.

If you are AT ALL thinking of taking your life or know someone who is, PLEASE get help or give help. It’s never worth it.

I’m posting the suicide response video first, so those of you who have not seen it can see me raw and aching and know first hand the devastation it causes.

The second is my video eulogy for Thommi and has not been posted before on my blog.

I was just talking with him the week before he shot himself and had no clue what was about to happen. Watch it if you are even contemplating something permanent as a solution to something. You can see a tiny snippet of how the people you left behind feel.

So PLEASE reach out if you need help. There is NO SHAME in admitting you need help. I see a shrink and a therapist. I’m admitting it to everyone and am proud to do so because it takes courage to seek help and openly admit you could use an extra hand to hold. Find that hand and hold on as you CAN get through whatever it is.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255  

SO VERY MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL.

 

 

Where I Get My Strength

 

This is how I stay strong.

This is how I survive.

This is where I get my peace.

This is what gives me grace.

GREAT NEWS (delivered from bed with no make up–eeee gawds!!)

YAY! WOO HOO! HOT DAMN! YAY!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the prayers, support and love.

It means more than you could ever begin to know.