Truth 14: Muffs, Douches and Boobs. Oh my!

 

You cannot say I didn’t warn you! πŸ˜‰Β 

Oh, and you DO get to see Car Teddy at the very end. That’ll make more sense after you see the video. XO

 

Love you guys!

Have a great week!

I’m trying something new…NO! Not bestiality! Ya bunch of perverts! ;)

Over the last few years I’ve had some requests to turn my blog into a podcast of sorts.

As I’m lazy as fuck (in reality I just work too damn hard during the day!), I’ve been putting it off. But with my last post I got a few emails telling me they want to hear it instead of read it. So, I’m giving in.

But I must warn you…I’m doing it in one take. So if I fuck up horribly, sneeze or decide to eat dinner while recording…well, you are just going to have to hear it all. πŸ˜‰

Here’s my first try. It’s a recording of my last post, “I’ve HAD it,” which is a rant about dumbfuckery.

It’s not word-for-word, but it’s close.

Don’t be too hard on me and all my mess-ups.

πŸ™‚

 

Here’s the link if ya wanna see the last pic in the post. πŸ™‚

 

I’ve HAD it!

Okay, so it’s no surprise to any of you that I prefer proper English unless making a point or being silly or for some other good reason. Lord knows I’ve said “ain’t” and other such things on more than one occasion. I’m flying my hypocrite flag as I type. πŸ˜‰

And I know I can be a grammar freak and should probably just suck it up in this day and age of texting, but I saw something so egregious the other day that I simply have to comment on it.

First let me say that I understand abbreviations make it easier to text when:

  1. You have no fucking clue how to spall wrds
  2. You don’t care about spaleng wrods kerrektly
  3. You like confusing us old folk
  4. You are texting while driving 80 mph and are trying not to murder everyone on the road
  5. You are getting nookied from behind and all that commotion is making it difficult to type

I get it. Sometimes an abbreviation is okay. On a VERY rare occasion I use one myself. (Usually WTF? when I’m attempting to be polite!). πŸ™‚

But this one that I saw defies all comprehension.

I seriously do NOT understand how this abbreviation is at all easier to type than actually spelling the word.TheFuckKitty

Here it is: ‘Yn(n)’s

What in the holy fuck?

Here’s how that breaks down from a typing perspective on an Android phone.

  1. Tap the symbol key
  2. Tap the apostrophe key
  3. Tap the ABC key
  4. Tap the Capitalization key
  5. Tap the Y key
  6. Tap the n key
  7. Tap the symbol key
  8. Tap the opening parentheses key
  9. Tap the ABC key
  10. Tap the n key
  11. Tap the symbol key
  12. Tap the closing parentheses key
  13. Tap the apostrophe key
  14. Tap the ABC key
  15. Tap the s key

Luckily, due to the context of the truly awful sentence, I was able to suss out that they were attempting to communicate the word “youngins.”

How on earth is it easier to do all those steps listed above than just typing the fuckin’ word?

I both burst out laughing and died of horror when I saw that helpful texting shortcut. What on God’s green Earth…?

While I realize I’m old and inflexible and an asshat, can we please just agree that if the abbreviation is harder to type than the damn word itself that we’ll just stick to the damn word? Please?SillySmileyFace

All those under the age of 35 will have but one answer for me:

NonKitty

Absofuckinlutely Hysterical!!

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We all know I love Bernadette from Rants from my Crazy Kitchen. Not only did she contribute 2 recipes to my cookbook, but she pretty much just kicks tons of ass. (Go follow her. Go now. Well…after you read what’s below. Then go follow her.) πŸ˜‰

So, she sent me to a “blog translation” page that takes a webpage and translates it into hilarity. If you thought I had bad language, you ain’t seen NOTHIN’ yet! She picked her favorite post of mine, “I Gots me the Buzz Muff.” and had it translated. Total riot!

It’s so damn funny that I about puked laughing. It’s called gizoogle and in its own words it describes itself as: “Fo’ all y’all biotches who wanna find shiznit!” Nope, I kid you not.

Now, this is HORRIBLY POLITICALLY INCORRECT. It’s offensive and wonderful and appallingΒ and that’s why I like it.

If you offend easily, do NOT click on the below link. I don’t want no guff from easy-to-offend people.Β 

Of course, easily offended people don’t usually come to my blog as it’s just awful and perverse and wrong most of the time! (But you know my heart is always in the right place.) πŸ™‚

God bless Snoop Dog for creating the “izzle” factor. Gotta love Snoop. πŸ™‚

Enjoy!

CLICK HERE AT YOUR OWN RISK

PS: My McAfee says the page is safe to visit, so you should be good to go and not get spammed by non-stop, two-girls-and-a-cup-type porn. πŸ˜‰

PSS: I’ve never seen that and never want to. I don’t want to know what it’s about–though I have some ideas. Please don’t tell me or I’ll have to wash my brain with lye. πŸ˜‰

Auto correct at its perviest

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From the “Life is never dull” perspective, here’s a text I sent to the hubby a few minutes ago. πŸ™‚

“I have the sliding glass door open, big titties are glued to the screen and want to go outside, the house is freezing, and the only thing that is missing is my sweet baby to keep me warm. I just noticed that auto correct somehow auto corrected the word “kitties” to “big titties.” HA!!! What in the fuck is auto correct thinking? Total riot! Love you!”

How in the hell did auto correct do that??? Where did “big” come from? Is the expression “big titties” typed so often on Verizon phones that they don’t auto correct the word “kitties” to just “titties?” They have to chuck “big” in there too? Totally funny.

autocorrect