A Tale of Pee Pee Horror!

So, there I am, in the girl’s room, mid-pee, when a GIANT water bug (we call them sewer roaches because they are disgusting, huge, live around water and come in through your plumbing) runs right over my foot (MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!) and decides to hang out by the bathroom door.

I, being the little scaredy cat that I am, start screaming expletives by the dozen.

“Fuck! Shit! What do I do? How do I kill this fucking nightmare? Why me? Someone kill me! Ahhhhh fuck! No! Just no! Shit! Shit! Why did God make these fuckers so big? How are they helping the environment? Fuuuuuuuuuuck me!”

With nothing but abject horror coursing through my veins, I jump up (yes, dripping did occur) and stand there, terrified, like a deer in the headlights.

I’m too scared to even pull up my drawers because taking my eyes off it for even a moment might lead to its escape.

I’m too scared to NOT pull up my drawers because what if it comes after me, with the vengeance that I know is in its disgusting little heart, and runs up my leg into my who-ha.

I’m too scared to try and get past it, so I stand there doing the hoppy-scared-shitless dance.

I’m too scared that if I do get past it to try and find the weapon of its demise, because I can’t see anything in the damn bathroom to end its life with, that it will escape and I’ll find it resting happily on my mouth as I’m trying to go to sleep tonight. (There is NO coming back from that–mental institution, prep me a room.)

I’m too scared to squish it, as it’s the size of a small dog. And I have nothing to squish it with except part of my own body (ummmm… no. Never. Not happening. Nope.).

So, I grab the Paul Mitchell Freeze and Shine hairspray and drown it.

I mean, I emptied half that damn bottle onto the dog-sized sewer roach. No amount of alcohol-filled product could be enough to kill that survive-a-nuclear-bomb nightmare of a predator.

I soak that bastard until I ruin the hardwood floor with all the hairspray. And then I wait. And wait. And wait.

After waging war with my own brain for 10 minutes (“Jodi, the damn thing is dead. It’s safe to move.” versus “Are you fucking kidding? Don’t you dare move! It’s playing opossum!”) I finally ran past it, screaming and twitching from the horror, grabbed a bowl from the kitchen, returned to the scene of the crime, and sealed it in its bowl sarcophagus.

I had the twitchies for the next two days. I KNEW that every itch was some gruesome, prehistoric beetle digging its way into my skin or crawling around in my hair. Of course it wasn’t, but damn if you could tell that to my brain. Thank God I sleep with ear plugs or I’d have never slept with the fear of its relatives laying eggs in my ears.

I still fear retribution from its friends and family.

And no, I have not been back into that bathroom yet. Nope. Need more time to heal. 😉

I Avoided Prison! It’s a Miracle!

My fun adventure at the pharmacy!

I pull up to the drive-through window to pick up 3 prescriptions; all 3 of which I’ve been filling at this pharmacy for years.

Here’s how the conversation went:

Me: Can you please make sure to include 25-gauge needles for the B-12 injections?

(As they always tend to forget the damn needles.)

Pharmacy Dude: Do you have a prescription for that?

Me: Yes. The bag you are about to hand me has 3 vials of injectable B-12. So I need the needles to be able to inject it.

Pharmacy Dude: But do you have a prescription for the needles?

Me: Well, I’m certain my doctor doesn’t expect me to drink the vials of B-12 and I’ve been filling this prescription here for years…

(I tried not to be too snarky. It was challenging. Now insert a long pause… waiting… waiting…)

Pharmacy Dude: I’m going to have to check.

(He stands there, staring at me through the window and does nothing.)

Me: Do you give needles to people using injectable insulin?

(I’m TRYING to help him make the mental connection that injectable prescriptions need some way of being injected.)

Pharmacy Dude: Of course.

Me: Then wouldn’t it make sense that if I have to inject my prescription B-12 that I might need needles?

(I said this politely, though that was not my go-to emotion at this point.)

Pharmacy Dude: (Stares into space. For a long time.)

Me: They are 25-gauge, 1.5 inch needles. I need 3 of them.

Pharmacy Dude: (Continues to look at me like I’ve sprouted a second head.)

Me: One needle for each month. It’s a 3-month refill. One needle per vial. So I need 3 needles.

(And here I am thinking that this explanation will make it clear what I need. I am an idiot.)

Pharmacy Dude: So that was one 46-gauge needle?

Me: No. I need three 25-gauge needles; one for each vial as reusing needles is unsafe.

(Does that needle even exist??? I’m still trying to still be polite, but want to burn the fucking building to the ground.)

Pharmacy Dude: I gotta go ask.

Me: Take your time.

(I should get an award for patience and not dragging him through the drive-through window for undisclosed purposes.)

Pharmacy Dude: Okay. Here you go.

(Gives me one 21-gauge needle–fuck that, that’s like trying to inject yourself with a straw.)

Me: I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear…

(Insert me explaining AGAIN what I need. Then, as he’s doing God knows what that I cannot see, I wait for the entire length of the song, Southern Cross, to play on my car stereo. La la la…)

Pharmacy Dude: Here you go.

ALAS!!! Finally!! The correct needles.

But only 2 of them.

I gave up, drove away, and just bought 50 of them from a medical supply company. Not worth the insanity!!!

Note: You cannot inject anything like this:

Truth 18: How Not To Kill Your Family

 

So, while it may seem early for anything holiday related, I just saw a dang Christmas tree in a store.

WTF???? It’s mid-September?? It’s still a month and a half away from Halloween!!!

Stores have lost their minds. Seriously. It’s insanity! RUN!!!!!

But, the Christmas tree inspired me to do this little video on how not to murder your family and friends, not just around the holidays, but all year long. I use this strategy with the hubby, the family, people that piss me off at the Starbucks, you name it.

I hope it helps you too! Enjoy!

 

LOVE YOU GUYS!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Truth 14: Muffs, Douches and Boobs. Oh my!

 

You cannot say I didn’t warn you! 😉 

Oh, and you DO get to see Car Teddy at the very end. That’ll make more sense after you see the video. XO

 

Love you guys!

Have a great week!