My Insane Sunday

Story 1:

This is why owning weird pets is horrifying when your husband is out of town. So we have Pokey the Hedgehog, otherwise known as Monster. Monster gets live superworms everyday, which is revolting enough. But every time I open the lid to where we keep the worms, just like I did a few minutes ago to give them food so that they stay healthy and pass along those healthy vitamins to Pokey, the condensation from worm goo always splashes on to me.

There is no amount of bleach or lye in the world that can ever make me feel clean again after having worm juice splatter all over me. And I’m not particularly squeamish about things, but worm juice? It landed on my arm, my hand, MY CHEEK!!!! Good Lord. My cheek. I can probably cut off the arm and manage a fairly reasonable life, but I can’t cut off my face! What’s a girl to do?

Well, I’m going to go vomit now. Kidding, but that’s how grossed out I am. Those worms will be lucky if they get this food ever again until the hubby gets home. ICK!

Of course, we all know that deep down I’m a big softy, so I will give them more food. But I will want to puke the whole time.

Story 2:

You might think that being splashed with worm juice would be the hardest part of my day today. That would be inaccurate.

I’m trying to make the house somewhat less disgusting because my darling friend Brenda (literally known her since we were 1 and 2 years old) will be in town and I don’t want her to vomit when she walks in my house because I have not really been able to do any cleaning for the last nine months and she is very neat. She even vacuums when we are on vacation–God bless her.

So I very stupidly, very very stupidly, sit on the floor to try and reupholster a sofa cushion which is about the size and weight of a queen-sized mattress. Β Keep in mind, I haven’t done more than walk to the bathroom for the last 9 months, but I’m determined to have a decent looking house when she visits. So, there I am… using those upholstery twisty things trying to clamp this king-sized blanket on to this enormous sofa cushion which weighs more than a car. I’m huffing and I’m puffing and I’m exhausted by the time I’m done. And then I realize I can’t get off the fucking floor.

I’m still in my boot after surgery on my foot, so that entire leg is essentially useless because I can’t get it underneath myself or put full weight on it. And while my arm that was broken is mostly better, it still can’t take any real weight.

So I have only a right foot, a right arm and I’m trying to get my wider-than-usual ass up off the floor. I tried everything. I tried rolling around. I tried getting on my knees. You would think I’d be a pro at that by now, but it did not help in this particular case. πŸ˜‰ I tried rocking back and forth to build up some momentum. I rolled onto the sofa cushion figuring that would give me an extra 4 inches of lift. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

It was only through the grace of God, who I’m quite sure was laughing hysterically at me, and some magical hand reaching into my dining room and pulling my ass up off the floor that I’m not still sitting there. I should have taken a video of it. It was the most ridiculous 20 minutes of my life! And, of course the phone was no where near me so I couldn’t call someone to come lift my ass up off the floor!

Anyway, I finally manage to get up off the floor, and then I had to move that heavy motherfucking cushion from the dining room onto the sofa in the family room and by the time I got it on there I realized that I’m never moving again for the rest of the day. If I have to use the bathroom I’m just going to pee on the sofa.

Conclusion:

That was my Sunday. WTF was I thinking? Have I lost my mind? I need to just stay on the sofa, not move and say fuck it to anything that’s still messy. That’s my vow and I’m sticking to it!

Love you guys!!! πŸ™‚ XOXO

 

I’ve turned into Martha Stewart! Someone save me from myself!!! ;)

Who on God’s green earth ever thought that I would be Jodi the Happy Homemaker?! πŸ˜‰

You guys know I run from all things domestic. Really, it’s the only time I run. I prefer to sit. Wasn’t it Winston Churchill who said,

“Never stand up when you can sit down, and never sit down when you can lie down.”

I say, “Preach on, brother!”

Alas, I have a cute little way to dress up, of all things, your toilet.

Yep, I said toilet.

Martha Stewart and Hints from Heloise move over!

So, you know those little caps that cover the screws that hold your toilet in place? Half the time they are just gross. Eww!!! The other half of the time they have been lost–like those damnable missing socks that the dryer eats.

Where the hell do they go? It makes no sense. It’s not like someone would steal your toilet screw covers. Well, maybe they would. Maybe they lost theirs so they then stole yours. Hmmm…makes one think. πŸ˜‰

Anyway, I have the cutest solution ever.

And while it seems like a non sequitur, but isn’t, I always have a million salt and pepper shakers. When I have folks over for dinner I like everyone to have their own cute little set. I have birdies, froggies, squirrelies, turtles (no way to really add “ies” to the word turtle).

Well, I recently discovered that I have more salt and pepper shakers than I ever do have dinner guests.

About 2 minutes after making that discovery I walked into my bathroom and saw those ugly, uncovered screws and voila! An idea was born!

Here’s my solution to ugly toilet screws:

Toilet Birdie Decor 1 Toilet Birdie Decor 2

Ta dah!

Isn’t that adorable? Okay, maybe more goofy than adorable, but still–it looks a hell of a lot better than a nasty old rusty screw. πŸ™‚

If you live anywhere near a Cracker Barrel restaurant, that’s where I get all my salt and pepper shakers. They are only a dollar and if you just take the little rubber thing out that holds in the salt/pepper, you can stick the cute little guy on the screw and have a happy toilet!

Okay, that’s all the domesticity I’m gonna have for a while.

If you do this, send me pics! I wanna see other people’s toilet decor!

πŸ™‚

 

 

THE CARNAGE! My house is an abattoir!

I’m pretty sure I’m gonna puke!

Ewwwww!!!!

So here’s my little tale.

Now that the house is finally coming together, the hubby and I occasionally have some friends over. They’d just gotten in the door and were standing in the living room when they noticed my Christmas window gels still up in the window. Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s July and I still have some Christmas stuff up. I’m a maniac! πŸ˜‰

Anyway, the gels are these gummy-like decals you stick to the window. They feel like a wet, smushed, slightly melted gummy bear, but they stick great and last a long time. Well, until the evil summer heat of Arizona gets at ’em.

The snowman couple on the right had held up pretty well, but the cute little penguins on the left had met a rather unfortunate, melty fate. It was actually kinda gross looking. Like the face melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

We were all standing about 10 feet away and commenting on the sorry state of my little gel friends and their accompanying snowflakes when I noticed that some of the snowflakes had turned black.

My first thought was, “Wow, that’s probably unhealthy. If the sun baked what used to be white, lavender and baby blue snowflakes into black, crusty nightmares then the fumes it put off while cooking can’t have been healthy to breathe.”

So I walked over to them to scrape them off the window and much to my horror…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The carnage! Death abounded! The slow, painful murder of dozens of small critters faced me in my once-loved gummy snowflakes.

Look below at your own risk!

 

 

OH THE CARNAGE!

 

Here it is a little closer up if ya really wanna see mass death!

Fly Death!

Holy fuck that is nasty!

I had NO idea I was murdering flies in such a gruesome way!

And the poor little buggers were left on display and I didn’t even notice. They had a public burial. Total ewww!!

So yeah, I screamed. Then said to the hubby, “Can you please remove the hideous death trap that our sweet Christmas decorations have become?”

I don’t know what they make the gummy decals with (crack? meth? chocolate?) that would be so alluring to flies. Especially since the snowmen were of absolutely no interest to them at all. Completely bizarre.

When I went to look at the snowmen the other day (which are still there to this day…yeah, again…I know…) I noticed a leftover fly leg stuck to the window. Poor little critters. I may not like flies, but nothing deserves to be cooked at 150 degrees while stuck in goo on an Arizona window.

Well, there you have it. I’m now officially horrified. I’m a murderer, pure and simple. Off with my head! πŸ˜‰

My funky new living room!

As you guys know, the hubby and I have been remodeling the house for a few years. We have this living area (that no one EVER sits in!) when you first walk in. It’s a fairly small area which is why we use the huge family room for actual living–but of course I want the first room people see when they walk in to be cool and funky and unique. Alas…this is what we’ve put together.

Please ignore the back door–we are replacing it, so the trim hasn’t been painted yet and the door itself is a nightmare. Also, the colors in real life are actually much more vibrant, but my camera has a light that automatically comes on when you shoot video so it washes it out a little.

Anyway, I just had to share. Where it was when I first met the hubby to where it is now is like being in an entirely new house (think 30 year old Salvation Army throwaways to funky mod).

Oh, and if you pause on the artwork at the end (some custom photography stuff I did) you can see the family and all our fun times over the last few years.

I hope you guys are having a great week! πŸ™‚