Musings of an old hag on her birthday!

Truth 4: People are fuckin’ hysterical

Warning, this one is a little long, so grab a coffee or a smoke, but this is one of my favorites thus far.

For some reason, people tend to email me directly instead of commenting on my post or on Facebook or (UGH) Twitter.

So, I took the first four topics/questions from my emails from you guys and answered them in this video.

The shit people say KILLS ME with giggles.

I hope you giggle too!

PS: Why do these videos all of a sudden come in sideways???? They play normal once you click play, promise. You don’t have to crook your noggin to see me right side up. 😉

Bonus Video!

Just for those who thought I should look different in every video…this one’s for you! 🙂

Oh, and I know the lighting is jacked. I didn’t want to wake the hubby at 2 a.m., and this room has awful lighting. Ahh..it is what it is. XO

 

Much love and have a fantastic weekend!

XOXOXOXOXO

Truth 2: Be Brave

I am quite literally going to be braver in this post than I’ve EVER been in my life (excluding evil doctor-related things).

For most of my life I’ve had an insane fear, I’m mean a severe PHOBIA of singing in public.

It’s not healthy to be scared. It’s not fun.

I will not do karaoke. I won’t let anyone hear me sing in the car or shower, including the hubby.

I’m am truly blinded by the fear of people telling me I suck. And I DO! I know I can’t sing. I know I sound like a cat being gutted, but I love to sing. When I’m alone in my car I have so much fun singing my face off as loud as can be. But if anyone heard me, I’d die.

So, since Today’s Truth #2 is Be Brave, then I’m going to put my fear where my mouth is and do a few singalongs. If I could sing well, then this wouldn’t be brave. But knowing that I cannot sing well at all, well, that is my test of bravery. I’m willing to be utterly vulnerable in front of everyone, even knowing I’m tone deaf. This is my version of brave.

Please know, I’m TERRIFIED, MORTIFIED, HORRIFIED, and any other “ified” you can come up with.

Don’t be too mean in your comments.

I KNOW I hit flat notes, sharp notes, totally wrong notes, fuck up the lyrics and make people want to die. I know this. But there is a freedom in being brave that is more important than letting fear drive your life.

Bravery is glorious, scary, amazing, liberating, terrifying and so many more things. We’ll talk more about it in other posts down the line, but I’m going to share with you 3 singalongs that I did. I probably should have warmed up my voice or practiced, but it is what it is. There’s no editing, voice fixing, post-producing or anything of that nature. This is just me as raw as it gets. As vulnerable as it gets because my fear really is more a phobia than anything else. I’d rather have a spider crawl on my eyeball than sing in public. That should tell you just how brave I’m trying to be in doing this.

I think song number 3 is probably the best, but I promised myself I’d post them all. May God help your ears. 😉

Song 1: Lady Gaga: You and I

This video was inspired from nearly getting killed on the road by an asshat as we were merging off the 101. My bravery was not jumping out of my car and killing him with a hammer.

This song is so unbearably out of my vocal range that it’s ridiculous. But if you’re going to do it, do it. Just know that I KNOW this is not good. But I have to overcome my fears, regardless of what they are. Be warned!

Also, I get very tongue tied, forget how to pronounce words at the end and just fuck shit all up. It’s embarrassing, but again, NO EDITING. It is what it is. (PS: I now know why Stevie Wonder does the head shaking thing…you’ll see first hand soon enough…sorry…) 🙂

PS: Until the videos finish “processing” it looks like they are 90 degrees crooked. Once you hit play they go right side up. Technology is weird!

Song 2: John Denver: Country Roads

This video was inspired from nearly getting killed merging off the 101 onto the 202. It was not a good day for driving. Almost nearly killed twice in one damn day. My car was actually 90 degrees the wrong direction on the road and I went from 70mph to sideways to straightened out in the course of about 3 seconds. I don’t know how I’m alive or didn’t hit 10 other cars. Miracle. So I was so happy to be alive that I was inspired to try a another song in case the Lady Gaga one was so just so bad that I couldn’t post it. But, that wouldn’t be brave. So, you get this one too.

Also, I do know the word “bravery.” Why I call it “braveness” sometimes is beyond me. I was terrified and have no excuse for sucking except that I was just scared to death because I was about to or just had finished singing.

This video has some different stories in it than the Gaga song. I was going to post one or the other, but decided to go with both, so if you listen to both you’ll hear some other fun tidbits about my life. Oh, and I get a little better as the so goes on. He sings lower than my register so it’s hard for me to hit those notes, but I warm up a bit about halfway through. Again, consider yourself warned.

Song 3: Erykah Badu: Tyrone

LOVE this song! When I told my sister I was doing my self-imposed Bravery Challenge she said I should do Tyrone. How could I not thought of that!? GREAT song. Again, so out of my vocal range it’s insane. But I tried again, dammit! And I think it may be the best of the 3. Maybe. Big thanks to my sister for her suggestion. Oh, and I’ll give you her address if you wanna kill her for suggesting I sing this. I wouldn’t blame you. 😉

 

Remember, if I can do something that terrifies me more than death and taxes, you can too. Find your worst fear and try and overcome it. It’s so freeing!!!

I think I’ll now be able to sing in the car with the hubby present and not be terrified about being critiqued or made fun of (in his head as he’d never say it to my face). But silent critiquing is just as scary.

So, go do something wild! Go be brave! Go kick some ass! Once you’re dead you can’t, so do it while you still have the time.

God bless and much love.

XOXOXOXOXO

 

 

Even after the year I’ve had… still so much thankfulness

 

I originally posted this on Facebook, but a friend suggested I put it here too since I have the most wonderful blogging family EVER!!!! 🙂 I totally agreed, as I love you guys to no end. So, here goes. 🙂

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I know it’s past Thanksgiving, but I’ve never really followed the rules for anything anyway. I have some things I want to let everybody know that I’m thankful for, and so much of it has to do with all of you.

I am so very deeply thankful for all of the love, kindness and support my friends here have shown me. It’s so easy for social media to be a place filled with nothing but political banter, disagreements, and or superficial–but very often still funny–types of things.

What I have found this year is it is also a place filled with love and prayers and people who come out of the woodwork to truly let you know that they love you and only want the best for you. That has meant more to me than I can ever begin to express.

I am also incredibly thankful that I’ve been able to return that love to so many of my friends that are having a very rough time of it lately. Whether you’re in emotional pain, physical pain, or both (which is likely the case), being able to let you know that I love you and that I truly am here for you brings me great peace. From the bottom of my heart I mean it when I tell people that they can call me and just cry for an hour, or just sit in silence for an hour knowing someone is on the other end of the phone if they do decide to talk. Hell, I’ll watch a TV show with you over the phone. Or you can just scream and yell cuss words at me until you can’t utter another word because your throat is sore. I truly mean with every fiber of my being that those of you who are going through hard times can call me and do any of those things.

It may have been many years since I’ve seen a lot of you, and we may not have even been close in high school or at a job or wherever it is that we met. Heck, we may not have actually ever met in person, but we’re here now, together, and to me that is what matters.

I’m also so very thankful to my family for supporting me through the last 10 and a half months. That my husband tells me I’m beautiful, even though I’ve lost 75% of my hair and gained a shit ton of weight from not being able to do anything, including walking, for almost a year just blows my mind. And the anazing thing is, I believe him. To know that the man you’ve chosen to spend your life with truly cherishes you is the best gift anyone can ever give or receive. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he’d be thrilled if I lost 40 lbs, and I know he’ll be happy for me when my hair grows back in, but in the meantime he does nothing but support me and lets me know that he loves me regardless of any of that superficial bullshit. That’s such a gift and I can never express my gratitude enough for loving a man who loves me for me, not for me as arm candy, or a bank account, or any of the other reasons so many men have been with me over the years. He loves me. I will forever be thankful for that.

And for those of you who grew up with me and my sister, the very beautiful and loving Becky, you’ll know that she and I had our ups and downs as we grew up. It’s hard being so close in age when you’re a teenager and then your twenties and unfortunately tend to attract and be attracted to the same types of men. God knows it caused a verbal cat fight more than once. But my precious, angelic sister has truly become my best friend. She lets me call her anytime night or day and never makes me feel like a burden.

When Becky was here taking care of me after surgery, she was the most amazing medical advocate for me. She took no shit off anybody and made sure I got the best care possible. When you’re as fucked up as I’ve been, you need somebody strong to have your back. And Becky was that. She never made me feel embarrassed for the hideous things she had to see and do. God bless her for that. She can never unsee the things she had to deal with and yet she’s never made me feel bad or humiliated. She just took it all in stride and made sure that I knew that she loved me and she would do anything for me. That kind of love is simply amazing and I’m so truly blessed for all of that.

While I still have a long way to go to get back to normal, and it may still be a few years before I have enough emotional energy to be a truly good friend in the way that I like to be, what I’m thankful for is that the people who love me understand that I don’t hibernate because I don’t love them or don’t want to talk to them. I don’t hibernate to avoid being a good friend. If 95% of you called me tomorrow and told me you needed me to be on a plane to come take care of you, I would be on that plane. But what is such a beautiful thing is that the people who know me understand that my keeping to myself is me just licking my wounds and trying to heal my brain, my heart, and my body. Plus they say it takes about 3 years, if ever, to feel normal again after severe sepsis, so thank God everyone seems to understand that me not leaving the house to go party has nothing to do with not wanting to see my beautiful friends. It just has to do with me taking time to heal so that when I am back on my feet I’m going to kick ass from here to Maryland and back… Taking no prisoners!

I do realize I should have probably just written a fucking book as this is about the length of one, but it’s 4:32 in the damn morning and I felt like telling everybody how deeply, deeply thankful I am for all of you.

I know I often say things in my comments like “much love,” or “tons of hugs,” or “XOXOXOXO.” And it may seem like just the way I sign off on my comments. But I really mean it. I have so much love in my heart for so very many of you and I just want you to know it. So I will tell you that over and over and over again so that there’s never any question about how I feel.

In closing, finally (right????), know that I do love you guys and I am so very thankful that you are in my life, and that you take the time to show me love means more to me than you could ever possibly know.

May God bless every single one of you and take care of your every need. I love you all so much. If you ever need me, I’m here.

LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Have a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and every other happy sentiment I can send you! 🙂 XOXOXOXXO

Musings of an Old Hag (but an alive one) on her (almost) Birthday

First and foremost, massive hugs and love to all of you for your many emails, flowers and other goodies you sent to the hospital to cheer me up and the tons of prayers that most certainly kept me alive these last 4 1/2 months.

Also, thanks to the good Lord above for blessing me with a second set of doctors and surgeons who, quite literally, saved my life. I will forever be thankful to God and to them for their gifts of skill and determination to keep me alive.

While the last 47 years have been full of joy and laughter, love and lust, peace and grace, they’ve also been quite full of pain–both of body and mind. I sometimes startle when I think of it. And I think that’s the greatest blessing of all…that the bad hasn’t overcome the good and made my life one of sadness and fear. That I still am a bit shocked when I think of all the trials I’ve been through shows me that it’s not those trials that define who I am, but it’s those trials from which I’ve learned to be who I am.

Since January and the medical issues I went through and am still going through, I’ve endured more physical pain than I ever thought possible. And the emotional toll has been devastating. The fear. No. The terror of everyday life over the last 140 days has been stunning in its endurance. But, even with all that, and what continues to happen as a result of that, I know I’m blessed. And here’s why:

  1. My husband not only tells me he loves me multiple times each day, but he shows me. What’s he’s had to endure watching me go through this mess would have broken a weaker man. Instead, he tells me it’s his privilege and honor to take care of me. I didn’t know love that like existed. A person’s true character shines brightest not in the light, but in the dark. He lit up my entire world and continues to do so.
  2. My sister flew out and took care of me for almost 3 weeks. She made damn sure the doctors, nurses and everyone else that had to do with my care did everything that was required to keep me alive. Her dedication to my health, both physical and mental, was beautiful and more than I ever could have asked for. She was, and continues to be, such an amazing support and shoulder. I don’t know what I’d have done without her.
  3. My mom, God bless her, who is 78 and seen more pain in her life than 10 other people combined, managed to survive all of what has and is happening and not snap or give in to despair. She even makes me a batch of homemade spaghetti sauce every week to cheer me up and make meals easy for me as I’m getting back on my feet.
  4. My 2nd set of doctors and nurses did their damnedest to keep my ass alive. My nurses showed me so much love it overwhelmed my heart. I had one doctor in particular who made me feel safe every time he walked through the door. When you are living in non-stop terror and pain, that reprieve is more valuable than anything on earth.
  5. My home nursing staff breathed love all over me with every visit. I’ll never be able to thank my sweet nurse who managed my care enough. I think of her so often and how her tenderness, love, support and understanding helped me through one of the truly darkest times of my life. I’d never before been so sad and so frozen in fear, but she held my hand and told me I was going to make it through. On her last visit, we both got emotional for we’d forged a bond through pain and understanding that doesn’t go away overnight.
  6. My friends rallied like never before to pray for me, support me and send me love on a continual basis. My sister kept everyone informed over Facebook as to what was going on and the outpouring of tenderness still warms my heart. I still cannot believe the cards, flowers, blankets, teddies and other wonderful tokens of love that my friends sent me to cheer me up. And I still feel bad that somehow all the wonderful notes that came with the heart-felt gifts have vanished. I would love to have been able to reach out to every kind person that sent me a card or gift and thank them profusely–alas, I was very drugged and while I was overwhelmed with thankfulness when my husband read me the cards when delivered, for the life of me I can’t recall about 80% of who sent what–but a HUGE thanks to those of you who sent me reminders that I wasn’t going through this alone. And a HUGE thanks to all of you who reached out virtually to let me know you were praying for me. Those prayers made all the difference.
  7. My ability to forgive hasn’t weakened. For that I’m eternally thankful. Sometimes, the rage and the heartache and the sense of betrayal can be so overwhelming it feels like I’m sinking into a hole from which there is no escape. But before I get to the bottom of it, I remember to forgive. And that pulls me up out of it. Though sometimes that dark hole tugs back, I won’t let it gain purchase for that is place I never want to live.
  8. I’m still alive. Dammit! I’m forever thankful for that. I still get the privilege of loving my husband, my family and my friends. I still get to do my best to bring joy (often through sarcasm!!) to those around me. I still get the pleasure of petting my kitties and taking care of the chickens, hamster and hedgehog. I still get to go to Starbucks and chat with all the wonderful friends I have there (I drink way too many frapps!). I still get to giggle with my hubby about silly things and make my teddy bears have conversations of a most inappropriate sort. I still get to love all the things I loved before…that is truly a blessing. And, most importantly, I didn’t die and leave my family bereaved. The thought of hurting them even more than the last 4 1/2 months already have just tears out my heart. So, I’m forever thankful that they didn’t have to plan a funeral, decide what to do with my stuff, have holidays without me and mourn my loss. The feeling of pain for those I love is always more important to me than my own pain, and I’m blessed to have kept them from that particular kind of anguish.

For those people who’ve been around me, most of you likely think that all is good as I’m still cheerful, quick to giggle and have done everything in my power to stay strong and be thankful for the good things that remain. All of that is true. It’s not a façade. At the same time though, way down deep where fear is a living and breathing thing, I’m truly terrified of the upcoming tests I still have to face and what the results of those may be. I’m very lucky to have a brain that compartmentalizes very well…it lets me get on with life while wrapping up all the pain and fear into a little box that I only let see the light on rare occasions. If you are so inclined, I’d be ever so grateful for continued prayers and healthy vibes. I still have some icky things coming up that scare the ever-loving fuck out of me, so your positive thoughts are so very appreciated. 🙂

I know this hasn’t been my typical post, and I know it’s been a long time since most of you have heard from me at all, but I’ve tried to spend these last months focusing on getting better, reducing my constant fear, learning to live with unexpected consequences, and being thankful that I’m even here to write this.

After 47 years of life I know that the most important things have nothing to do with money, possessions, looks, position, power or any of that other superficial bullshit. What I do know is that allowing people to love you and loving them back with your whole heart is the greatest gift in the world. For that knowledge, I’m forever thankful and blessed.

May you all have a wonderful life and know that I’m always praying for you to be happy, healthy and safe.

Much love,

Jodi