Pre-surgical update (From HELL!) ;)

First and foremost, thanks so much to all of you for your wonderful prayers praying-kittenand well wishes. It means the world to me.

Surgery is in 19 hours and to be quite frank, I’m a wee bit scared. So any additional prayers or healthy vibes you guys can send up would be so appreciated!

After getting some more tests (thank God all the blood work came back great! Yay!) my doc said that she didn’t feel comfortable just having a surgical assistant in with her since (this is not a direct quote but is pretty much what she said), “My insides are so fucking fucked.”  😉 So, she’s having a second surgeon join her in the operating room.freaky-kitty

Yeah, she was far more delicate than that, awesome doc that she is, but that was the jist.

Seems as though all my prior surgeries have made everything such an adhesion-covered mess that they could not even SEE my ovaries during the internal ultrasound (read that as being viciously fucked by a cattle prod…ouchy!!!), they found 8 tumors and tons of uterine muscle lesions. Plus, with my last cattle prod adventure, they told me my bowel had grown into my left ovary and now share a blood supply.

I guess it’s good that my innards all get along so well…they place nice together! 😉grumpy-cat-no

Anyway, it looks like this is going to likely be a complicated mess and while my doc is still hopeful and is going to peek at everything first by putting a little camera in my bellybutton (which is seriously like 9 feet deep!) and looking around, she thinks it’ll probably end up being an open surgery. OUCH!

And she’s going to go in through my old zipper incisions, which is good in that I’ve already been opened up there 3 times already, but bad in that vertical incisions take so much longer to heal and they hurt like a mo fo.

I’m doing my very best to prepare everything for the smoothest recovery possible and trying VERY hard to keep all my fears to myself as not to scare my family as I’m sure they are nervous enough, but I had to get it out somewhere. Being opened up like this a 4th time is truly terrifying, even though I’m an old pro at it.

Surgery is a 7:30 on Tuesday and luckily I’ll be at a great hospital, Scottsdale Shea, that has a great reputation, so, I’d be so very thankful, from the bottom of my heart, for any extra love you can send my way around that time.

Much love to all of you!!! XOXOXXO

Oh, and I’ve decided to bring two teddies with me! Gotta have critters to cuddle! 😉

Can I ask for a few prayers?

 

As we all know, I’m old.

Methuselah and I are 2nd cousins. Yep. That old.

And with that age comes body parts that wanna fall off (or out in this case). 😉

It looks like I’ll be getting a full hysterectomy in a few weeks.

ICK!

I’m not too worried as things happen as they will and I know God will take care of me, but I’d really love it if those of you who are inclined would send me some prayers or healthy vibes for a successful surgery and a not-too-painful recovery.

The only thing that’s a bit scary is that I’ve had 3 previous abdominal surgeries in my life. Been zippered open from boob to muff! OUCH!!!!

And with all that cutting and slicing and dicing I’ve accumulated a great deal of scar tissue and adhesions.wondertwins

Most fun of all, my bowel and left ovary have joined forces, like the Wonder Twins, and now share a blood supply. So what is normally a pretty routine surgery is, well, a bit more complex.

Thank God I have a wonderful family and support system. My sister is going to fly in and stay with me a couple of weeks to help take care of me when I get out of the hospital. I’m so thankful to her for that. I don’t want to put the onus of taking care of my every need on the hubby. Even though he’d be happy to do it, taking care of someone can be mentally and physically exhausting. So it’ll be wonderful to have my adorable sissy out here to lend a hand.

The fun part about surgery is that after all the other things they’ve removed from my bod, there’ll be plenty of room for the few remaining organs to move around and get to know one another better! They could install a dance floor with all the space that’ll be available. Party Time Mo Fo!

As of surgery, here are all the body parts that I’ll have been relieved of in life:

  1. Appendix
  2. Gall bladder
  3. 1/2 a stomach
  4. 6 feet of bowel
  5. Ovaries
  6. Uterus
  7. Fallopian tubes

Yep, I’m essentially an empty vessel!!! 😉 But hey, that’s cool. If I ever get into a bar brawl and someone tries to shank me, the chances of them hitting a critical organ are significantly reduced. So, a girl can’t complain! 😉

Anyway, thanks a ton for any prayers or happy vibes you can send me. I appreciate them from the bottom of my heart. (At least they haven’t removed that fucker yet!)

Much love!!!

PS: I WILL be taking my Pink Teddy with me. Pink Teddy

I don’t care that she’s covered in more grime than cat poop that’s been rolled in chicken poop. She’s my teddy and I need her. 🙂

 

 

You are my sunshine…my only sunshine…

You guys know that in addition to being a foul-mouthed trollop, I’m also a squishy little cuddle bun bun with my hubby.

We text each other a few times during the day just to say, “I love you, Stinker!” Or, “How’s my little Muffininator’s day going?”

He’ll send me imgur images of frolicking otters or baby squirrels. Yep, I’m a total sap! Alas, that is not news to any of you. 🙂

So, today I thought I’d liven up an I Love You text to the man with this cute little gif:

iloveyoubun

The hubby just loved it!

So, I thought I’d share with you a bunch of gifs I pilfered from Google Images so that you can nab them and text or email them to your honey bunny (or mom, sister, brother, dog, kid, cat, hamster…whoever has an Internet connection).

For Windows users, you should be able to right click on them, select Save Image As, then save them to your local drive for future uploading into a text message or email.

For Mac users, I guess you just think to yourself, “Mac, upload this image and send to wifey,” and it’ll read your mind and do it all for you. If that, for some odd reason, doesn’t work, maybe click and hold???? It’s been so long since I worked on a Mac that I’ve forgotten anything I ever knew about them. I’m a slave to Bill Gates apparently. NOOOOO!!!! 😉

Here ya go! Cuteness galore…

DancingILoveYou DoggyLove FancyILoveYou HappyFaceILoveYou ILoveYouBlinkyHeart IMissYou KittyLove LoveForever MousyLove ScoobyLove SparkleLove TeddyHeartsLoveYou TeddyLove YouAre

And lastly, for those of you who kind of love/hate your mate, here’s a super creepy one that both shouts love and is the precursor to nightmares:

CreepyClownLove

Now go send some love to your honey!

Or don’t.

You can always instead send them dancing poop to say hi. 😉

PoopDance

The Illicit, Illegal and Immoral Adventures of Tick Teddy

Well, you guys know that our little Tick Teddy likes to go on wild adventures.

He’s been all over the country and up into Canada, leaving a trail of dead hookers in his wake.

There’s no confining him. No stopping him. He just won’t abide!

This week, Tick Teddy is on Hollywood Boulevard.

He’s laying waste to everything in his path and I will show you the evidence that can certainly (hopefully) be used against him in a court of law.

Tick’s Seemingly Innocent Start

“Hi mama. Daddy left me here while he’s off banging bar slut wannabes. There’s nothing for me to play with. I’m bored mama.”

Tick Bored Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Finds a Friend

“Look who I found, mama! I gots me a Tyrannical Rex to play with. I hope he doesn’t pull me down into a life ‘a crime. I’ma gonna use him to help me see over all the tall people heads. Not to rob banks. No sirreee bob. I promise.”

Tick With T-rex Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick and Daddy Share a Star

“Told you I was gonna be good. Me ‘n Daddy have our own star on the Walk o’ Shame…oh, I means Walk of Fame.”

Tick with Grant Star Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Has a Bad Dream

“Hey mama, I gots you a new boyfriend! He tells me he’s the man that dreams are made of. I’m not sure I believe him mama. Mama???”

Tick with Freddy Kruger Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Finds a Solution

“Whew! No bad dreams for the Tick, mama. I gots me a hundrit percent solution to what ails me.”

Tick with Bongs Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Finds His Father

“Mama, I thought you said Daddy was my Daddy? Then why is this asshat telling me that HE’S my father? What’s goin’ on, mama?”

Tick with Darth Vader Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Breaks the Law

“Look, mama, I had to escape my new Daddy. He touched me in bad places. So, yeah, I’ma gonna turn right on red. I gots ta get outta here and fast!”

Tick Turning Right on Red Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Gets a Close Encounter of the Boobage Kind

“It sure is warm in here mama. Tick likey.”

Tick with Marilyn Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Savors the Spoils

“Now mama, don’t get upset. It’s alcohol-free beer. I ain’t shining you on. You knows I’m a good Tick and would never do anything bad or that would get me in trouble.”

Tick With Beer Hollywood March 2016

 

Tick Goes to the Pokey

“Well, mama, it had to happen sumtime. I’m just glad you aren’t around to see it first hand. They’s throwing me in the hootscow. I’ma dun for. Say bye to the other teddies for me. I see the way that ho’se is eyeballin’ me. This ain’t gonna go down easy…”

Tick with Cop Hollywood March 2016

 

Fare thee well, little buddy. Mommy and Daddy will always love you…

PS: Big props to the hubby, who, while out of town and knowing that I miss him terribly, takes Tick on his adventures and sends me these pictures to make me smile. I am truly the most blessed girl on earth. I love you, baby! 🙂

 

…the mice will play (and rant!)!

I know, I’ve been gone forever!!

I did not die, I promise.

I’ve pondered murder once or twice though. 😉

I hope everyone is doing beautifully and gearing up for a fabulous summer. I intend on spending mine in my air conditioned house as it’s too damn hot outside.

Okay, so while I’ve been toiling away at the day job 15 hours a day (which greatly prohibits me from enjoying myself in my real life, dammit!) I’ve come across some shit I just have to share. I’m going to try to keep it to a list form so it’s not a tome, but you guys know I can go on and on and on… 😉

1. McDonalds: KEEP YOUR FILTHY FUCKIN’ HANDS OFF MY DESSERT!!!

So, I only eat McDonald’s about twice a year cause that shit’ll kill you, but I do occasionally swing by to get a kiddie-sized cone. They’re super adorable, 45 calories and just enough to quench my craving. (Side note: once I type something incorrectly it takes me 15 tries to get it right. I had to type the word “enough” literally about 9 times before typing it correctly. Blasted non-working appendages!) Okay, so back to McD’s.

I went to the one in the Wallymart and ordered a kiddie cone. The young man who goes to make it was, and I kid you not, just emptying the trash. So, he grabs the cone with his filth covered, un-gloved mitts and puts the ice cream in it. THEN he sets it down on the freaking counter that people sneeze, cough and set their children’s grubby butts on. Why didn’t he just wipe his ass with it and then hand it to me?

So, I look at the girl behind the counter and say, “I’m totally not a germaphobe. I’ll eat stuff that’s been on my kitchen floor for 3 days. But would you mind making me a kiddie cone since you weren’t just emptying the trash? And would you mind not setting it on the counter?” She smiles, seemingly genuinely, and says sure.

On her way to grab the cone she sneezes wildly. Of course. But in an effort to not dirty her hands she doesn’t cover her nose and mouth, so great mists of snot just go EVERYWHERE! You can see the mist glittering in the overhead light. And what do you think she sneezed on besides half the country? Yep. All of the unwrapped kiddie cones.

Does this deter her? Nope. She picks up a snot covered nightmare, fills it with ice cream, doesn’t even consider wearing gloves or holding the now-wet cone with a napkin, and hands it to me and says, “I totally understand. I wouldn’t want to eat anything off that counter either.”

Can we all just say it together? Fuck me. No cone for Jodi today!

2. People in General: IF YOU DON’T FUCKIN’ KNOW WHAT A PSYCHOLOGICAL TERM ACTUALLY MEANS, DON’T FUCKIN’ USE IT!

I’m lucky enough to have to interact with an asshat (“enough” only took 7 tries this time!) on a daily basis. This person makes me wanna pull my eyes out of my head, then slam my blind noggin into plate glass because the pain of that is far less than putting up with their dumb ass. It’s like interacting with a narcissistic monkey trained to torment me to the point of self-mutilation.

Somehow, I typically get to be the lucky recipient of the preponderance of this person’s shit. And the other day, while whining like a small child who didn’t get a second cookie before dinner, this person tells me that I’m passive aggressive. HA! Now, I gotta tell you…I’ve been called a lot of things in life (luckily, most of them have not been unkind) but passive aggressive? Have you guys ever known me to be passive aggressive? Aggressive? Sure. I’m no wilting flower. But passive aggressive?

Passive aggressive is the mother-in-law who, while dragging her white-gloved finger across the top of your door frame, looks at you with a big smile and says, “Oh, how lovely. You found the time after all that shopping you do to clean the house. What a good wife you are to my son.” Of course, you wanna kill the bitch, but she says it so sweetly–even though you and I (and she) know it’s layered with a million small cuts that will eventually be the end of you.

So, for all the asshats out there with which I am forced to deal, here are a few definitions of passive aggressive. If you’re going to insult me, at least get it right.

  • Of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.
  • Being marked by or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness).
  • Behavior that is exhibited by a person who is dissatisfied, uncooperative or unhappy but who doesn’t want to be overtly mean or rude. Instead, the person behaves in a subtly contrary way.

So, now that we’ve seen it in black and white, how on God’s green earth does this describe me?

My guess is that this person tried to figure out something to say that they hoped would be insulting to me while making them seem intelligent and abused by mean old me. Hmmmmm…you’re talking to the wrong person, buddy. What a fucknut.

3: Teddy bears (which should be ONE WORD, dammit!) are the most awesome thing on earth.

I have made it my mission to buy every 1987 Gund Daisy Cow teddy bear I can find. I have 7 of them.

Yes, I’m quite certain that makes me insane, or very close to it.

I’m sure I probably need some sort of medication. But I love those damn things so much! And I want to rescue them from homes that no longer want them. Who would SELL a teddy bear? That’s jacked up. But, I’m lucky people do cause I snatch ’em up. And there’s nothing really wrong with selling a teddy. I just can’t bear to let any of them escape me and my clutches! 😉

4: I’m totally happy for and supportive of Bruce Jenner–you do your thing and have a joyful life…but…

In his interview with Diane Sawyer he’s essentially asking people to accept him for who he is, not judge, and understand that everyone is different and that that’s not just okay but should be celebrated. I could not agree more. You guys know I don’t care about anyone’s religion, race, sexuality (but leave the sheep alone please…they can’t consent! 😉 ). I truly believe people should be encouraged to be who they are and achieve all the joy they can get out of a pretty tough world. Acceptance of other people is one of the single greatest gifts you can give to yourself and everyone else on the planet. (Okay, getting off my soapbox!) 🙂

BUT! If you are going to ask for people to be non-judgmental, then maybe you should practice what you preach. There was a scene where he was talking about beating the Russian in the Olympics and he mentions that he ran into the same Russian 30 or so years later. Then he laughs and brings up how the Russian had gotten fat, so he (Bruce) won twice because he’s still in great shape.

Ummm…so not cool. You can judge people for being in their 60s and being overweight–we aren’t supposed to look 20 forever!–but you want no one to judge you? How about you start with kindness towards others first?

I was very disappointed. But I still hope he finds great joy, love and a tremendous amount of support.

5. Jamie Dornan is NOT MY CHRISTIAN GREY!!!! 😉

I know. Shut up! Not a good movie. But I had to. It was like the Twilight books. Had to read them. Had to watch the movies, even though I, honest to God, laughed my ass off throughout the entire first movie. It looked like they’d just hosed the vamps down with baby powder. Truly funny. Anyway, there’s no accounting for my taste and I make no excuses! Sometimes a girl has to step away from Dante and read some juicy shit.

But, why couldn’t Jax from Sons of Anarchy have stayed cast as Mr. Grey? He didn’t exactly fit the mold either, but damn…that would have made the movie more tolerable. Jax is kinda pretty, ya know. And while I rarely comment on the prettiness of another man out of respect to the hubby, I think they look a little bit alike, so I don’t think I should feel bad for commenting on Jax’s hotness. 😉

 

I will say this about the movie…in one scene he says to the girl something to the effect of, “I’d like to fuck you into the middle of next week.”

Uhhhh…mmmm…yeah. That’s a good thing to say. I think any man with a willing woman should go say that to her right now. Total yum! Lust is very underrated. 😉 Quit reading this and go bang your hot woman!

Okay, I’ve typed my fingers bloody. Must go watch some TV and let the brain relax.

Love you guys and I hope you all have a wonderful (and long if you are in the States) weekend.

HUGS!! XOXOXOXO

PS: Wednesday morning at 4:35 am I awoke to the sound of my kitty horking up a hair ball. Then one minute later woke up further to the cold, wet spew of her vomit in my hair, on my neck and running down my cleavage. So, if you see me on Cops being arrested for kitty-i-cide, you now know why. 😉