Truth 14: Muffs, Douches and Boobs. Oh my!

 

You cannot say I didn’t warn you! 😉 

Oh, and you DO get to see Car Teddy at the very end. That’ll make more sense after you see the video. XO

 

Love you guys!

Have a great week!

When did SEX lose the SEXY?

Okay, so I like to skip through 95% of the MTV Video Music Awards cause most of it sucks and makes my brain hurt. It makes me long for the days of Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Alice in Chains. Shit, it makes me long for Lionel Richie!

But every once in a rare while something good will pop up on-screen, so while I keep my finger on the Fast Forward button most of the time, I’m occasionally entertained.

In watching a seemingly 29-hour-long show in about 15 minutes, one thing became perfectly clear to me: Sex has lost the Sexy.

For example, Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus spent more time simulating sex and fondling their own muffs than most people have done in the preceding 6 months.

Don’t get me wrong. I love me a sexy girl doing a sexy little dance. Who doesn’t? But “sexy” is the operative word. Not a whorin’-down-by-the-docks-for-crack-money type of dancing. Unless of course it’s actual porn you’re after, then you go on with your bad self.

What I’m talking about is the lead-up…the seduction…what lures you in…

You guys know that I’m all about sexual freedom. I don’t care if you screw a turnip as long as you are enjoying yourself and hurting no one (assuming, of course, that turnips can’t feel your perverted body parts all over them!). 😉

I think part of what makes society all fucked up over sexual things is the inherent vibe that sexual stuff is naughty, and provocative behavior is slutty (especially if you are a chick). I’m all about embracing sexiness in any which way you please.

So, I’m not complaining about the sexuality of it all. I’m complaining because the tease is such a big part of sexy yum yumminess and it seems that the tease has gone the way of the Dodo bird.

I remember when I was in my early 20s watching this video and thinking these girls were the sexiest things on 2 legs.

 

And this song? Yeah, this song is delicious. Click on the chick to listen to it.

 

 

And this one? Yep. I’m in. Even though the lyrics aren’t sex-pot-filled… that slow, dripping beat… good God…  I can totally picture Liv Tyler doing her sexy little stage dance to this song.

 

Now, I’m not saying there isn’t a time and place for raunchiness. I’m no saint! 😉 But I think there is something to be said for the burlesque in the seduction. Does it always have to go straight to gynecology?

Advertising your sex isn’t innovative or cutting edge or scandalous. People have been doing it since literally the very first people walked the earth.

I guess I just find clever sexuality to be sexier. Give my mind time to wander around in lust and mystery, envisioning the next thing to come, rather than shoving it in my face and leaving nothing to my imagination.

Okay, I’m done with my rant. I just want the world to do what JT used to sing about: Bring Sexy Back. 😉

I Gots Me the Buzz Muff! Don’t read this. No one should read this. You’ve been warned.

So, what is the Buzz Muff you ask?

Lemme tell you a little story…

I used to have to travel for work all the time. I was the consummate Road Warrior! I had 2 sets of makeup. 2 curling irons. 2 of everything so I could just grab a suitcase and go. About 2 years ago I was traveling back and forth to Florida every week for about 8 weeks. Kill me. That is a LONG ASS flight, especially in coach. Total suck. For those of you who’ve spent a lot of time in a plane, you know that when you unfold yourself out of those teeny tiny, made for 90 pound 4 foot tall people seats, that your body sometimes rebels. This is such a story.

Having finally arrived in the ungodly miserable heat and humidity (my damn glasses always fog up the second I walk outside and I’m essentially blind for 45 seconds) I head to the car rental place. It was right at the terminal, so not a bad walk. While standing there I all of a sudden felt this “buzz” in my nether regions. WTF??? What the hell was that?? Is my phone in my pocket? 10 seconds later: BUZZ!! 10 seconds after that: BUZZ. What on earth??!!!  Maybe it’s some vibration coming up through the floor since we are still at the airport. Maybe the close flying planes cause the floor to blah blah blah. I had NO clue what the hell was causing it. I was looking for any excuse to grab on to as I’d never before had the Buzz Muff.

I get my rental (BUZZ) car. Put my luggage in (BUZZ) the trunk. Start driving to (BUZZ) the hotel. Now I realize that I cannot blame this on any kind of floor vibration climbing up my leg and landing in my, ummm…girl parts. And while some of you out there may be thinking, “HOW AWESOME!!! It must be like having a “personal massager” on demand every 10 seconds,” let me assure you: NOT FUN! Especially when you don’t know what in the hell is causing it. My brain is thinking: Spinal injury; caught some ungodly worm or mite from the bathroom in the plane; my muff is going to fall off; clearly I’m dying and this is the first throe of death. It was funny and horrifying all at the same time.

Eventually, I find my hotel, get (BUZZ) checked in and unpacked. I call the hubby and say, “Ummm…honey. I gots me the Buzz Muff.” He was like, “What in the hell are you talking about (while laughing his ass off–I still owe him a small stick in the kidney with an ice pick for laughing so hard!). I try to explain to him my muff insanity, but it was hard to explain! All I could relate it to was the time I was swapping out a regular outlet for a GFCI outlet and turned off the wrong breaker. I got a hell of a shock with that and that is exactly how this felt.

So, on to the next day where I have to train a handful of teachers from 7:30am-4:00pm and then another group from 4:30pm-8:30pm (my bosses are clearly child labor enthusiasts!). This is to be my schedule for the next 3 days. And right on time, every ten seconds, BUZZ! Can I even begin to express to you how incredibly difficult it is to train 30 teachers how to use computers in the classroom while BUZZ is happening with every 5th word I utter???

On day two I called my gyno and said to her, as she is awesome, “What in the fuck is wrong with my coochie??? I’m going to tear it off and throw it in the ocean if it doesn’t stop!” She too cracked up laughing! Bitch. 😉 She came up with many scenarios including this one which is my favorite: “Well…could it be that…ummm…could Grant have, you know, left something in there by accident?” OH MY GOD!!! That made ME die laughing. No. That is not what happened. She told me that happens all the time. She told me this right as I was taking a long drink of coffee and I spit it everywhere!! How does one “forget” an object like that in a place like that??? Good Lord have mercy. Alas, she has no answer for me. Dammit!

On day three I called my boss. I said to her, “I don’t think I can finish this training. I gots me the Buzz Muff.” Yep, you can guess her response. And yes, I told my BOSS that. Why not? We’re all chicks. She told me that if I needed to come home early that she’d understand. Of course, her being so understanding made me stay and finish out the week because I didn’t want to let her down.

On day four I finally get to go home. I’ve gotten NO sleep. The thought of “returning from a business trip” sex makes me wanna puke. I’m quite certain I’m dying of some hideous nerve cancer or some other horror. But I persist and get on the plane. I fold myself into my 2 square feet of space, take 2 sleeping pills and pass out. There was NO way I’d have made it on the plane for 6 hours with the Buzz Muff hounding me without tearing open the emergency exit and jumping to my delightful and wished-for death.

We finally land. I stand up to stretch and while doing so I feel no buzzing. NONE! Where’d the Buzz Muff go? I say out loud, “THANK YA JESUS!” The lady next to me says, “Yeah, thank God that flight is over.” Pretending that was what I was talking about I concurred and then stood there reveling in the fact that my muff had returned to its previously happy state of well-being.

The following week I went to the doc and he told me (through not-so-veiled giggles) that while he had NEVER, EVER heard of the Buzz Muff  that I must have pinched a nerve on the plane on the way to Florida and unpinched it on the plane back. It was his only solution to my ever-curious girlie parts.

Since then, everyone at work either called me Buzz/Buzzy or would walk by and make a buzzing noise. I guess word travels fast when it’s one’s who-ha in crisis! 😉 I don’t even work there anymore and some of my old coworkers STILL call me that. Never dull…nope, life is never dull.

If any of you have suffered the Buzz Muff or are doctors and would like to share with me your theories, please feel free. It is still the Great Unknown Muff Adventure and a little insight would be awesome. 🙂