Truth 14: Muffs, Douches and Boobs. Oh my!

 

You cannot say I didn’t warn you! 😉 

Oh, and you DO get to see Car Teddy at the very end. That’ll make more sense after you see the video. XO

 

Love you guys!

Have a great week!

Douchy? Crazy? Naughty? Slutty? Drunk? Puking Rainbow Unicorns? WHA???

Okay, I realize that I’m rather eclectic in my postings. From sentimental letters to Daddy on Father’s Day to the Buzz Muff, to unintentional drooling, and toilets that I dip my hand into (against my will, I swear!). But when I saw these search terms that led people to my site, I thought 3 things:

  • Holy shit.
  • How in the hell did they come up with these word combinations? What on earth were they expecting to return?
  • I share way too many funky things with you guys.

Then I realized that it’s kinda cool appearing in searches that include words like: slut, douche, crazy and pee. Better than appearing in searches like this: “Biggest bitch on earth” or “Insufferable prig” or “Brainless whore.” I should thank God for small favors! 🙂

So, here goes my list from yesterday (unedited, except for my commentary in parentheses).

  1. I’m positive you’re a douche (Yeah, I’m so douchy that sometimes I even drink from them and shower in their wonderful mist!)
  2. How to look like you want sex (Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT walk around like I do all day in jammies with a ball of hair on your head. It is the anti-I-want-sex look. Now, look at any picture of me from 10 years ago and you’d have the real answer to that question. SLUT!!)
  3. Bathroom real pee shut up (Is there fake pee? And can pee shut up?)
  4. Sex with teddy bears (Well, if the shoe fits…poor car teddy…)
  5. Crazy coworkers from hell (We all have too many of these.)
  6. Clip art of exploding vacuum (I guess I’m not the only one that hates any form of cleaning.)
  7. Caught in panties captions (Caught in panties? Ummm…I got nothin’ on this one.)
  8. So good you’ll cry vegetable soup (Damn right my soup is so good you’ll weep for days!)
  9. Sluts newsletter sign up (Hmmm…should I take offense that my blog showed up in this search??)
  10. Cougar chat (Yes, yes, Cougar Chat Radio pretty much kicks ass. Everyone should search for it!)
  11. Does working ambrose ever stop in my life (Can you “work” an Ambrose?)
  12. Affair (Ummm…don’t recommend these.)
  13. Stripper smell secret (Oh yeah, I know the secrets to ALL things stripper! Just ask the pole in my basement!)
  14. Drunk rainbow and unicorn (I can’t believe that other people search for this too!)
  15. Jodi Ambrose is funny (Okay, this person is my new best friend. What a good sense of humor they must have! :))
  16. Naughty excerpts from books (Yeah, so my books are naughty. So what? You got a problem with that? Bring it! 🙂 )
  17. Naughty book incerpts (I guess “Naughty excerpts from books” didn’t give them what they needed?)
  18. Trending is not word (DAMN RIGHT!! Preach on, mo fo!)
  19. Can you have a pagan handfasting if married to someone else (Umm..the real question is SHOULD you? A handfasting is a marriage. If you are already married, then shame shame shame.)
  20. Unicorn puking rainbow (Yeah, I totally get searching for this.)
  21. Puppy dog ear boobs (What in the never-ending holy fuck?)
  22. I love you even when your snoring (This person is better than me. My hubby would be buried with all the hamster corpses in the back yard if we hadn’t discovered mouthy-thing to stop him snoring. Don’t think I didn’t notice the “your” instead of “you’re.” I sooooo did!)
  23. Bear fucker do you need (Where do people learn how to formulate sentences? What in the name of all that is holy does this even mean?)
  24. Woman hate when you smile at them (We do? You’re right! Back the hell off with all those teeth and lips and stuff!)
  25. Daddy whon my virgin (I am NOT even going to touch this one. Nope. No how. No way. Nada. No. Stepping away from the computer now.)
  26. One way muff (What in the holy shit is a one way muff???)

I simply cannot pick a favorite, although “Sex with teddy bears”, “One way muff” and “Bathroom real pee shut up” do make me the most curious as to what they were hoping to find. I am officially disturbed and I hope I was able to disturb you too. 🙂