A Tale of Pee Pee Horror!

So, there I am, in the girl’s room, mid-pee, when a GIANT water bug (we call them sewer roaches because they are disgusting, huge, live around water and come in through your plumbing) runs right over my foot (MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!) and decides to hang out by the bathroom door.

I, being the little scaredy cat that I am, start screaming expletives by the dozen.

“Fuck! Shit! What do I do? How do I kill this fucking nightmare? Why me? Someone kill me! Ahhhhh fuck! No! Just no! Shit! Shit! Why did God make these fuckers so big? How are they helping the environment? Fuuuuuuuuuuck me!”

With nothing but abject horror coursing through my veins, I jump up (yes, dripping did occur) and stand there, terrified, like a deer in the headlights.

I’m too scared to even pull up my drawers because taking my eyes off it for even a moment might lead to its escape.

I’m too scared to NOT pull up my drawers because what if it comes after me, with the vengeance that I know is in its disgusting little heart, and runs up my leg into my who-ha.

I’m too scared to try and get past it, so I stand there doing the hoppy-scared-shitless dance.

I’m too scared that if I do get past it to try and find the weapon of its demise, because I can’t see anything in the damn bathroom to end its life with, that it will escape and I’ll find it resting happily on my mouth as I’m trying to go to sleep tonight. (There is NO coming back from that–mental institution, prep me a room.)

I’m too scared to squish it, as it’s the size of a small dog. And I have nothing to squish it with except part of my own body (ummmm… no. Never. Not happening. Nope.).

So, I grab the Paul Mitchell Freeze and Shine hairspray and drown it.

I mean, I emptied half that damn bottle onto the dog-sized sewer roach. No amount of alcohol-filled product could be enough to kill that survive-a-nuclear-bomb nightmare of a predator.

I soak that bastard until I ruin the hardwood floor with all the hairspray. And then I wait. And wait. And wait.

After waging war with my own brain for 10 minutes (“Jodi, the damn thing is dead. It’s safe to move.” versus “Are you fucking kidding? Don’t you dare move! It’s playing opossum!”) I finally ran past it, screaming and twitching from the horror, grabbed a bowl from the kitchen, returned to the scene of the crime, and sealed it in its bowl sarcophagus.

I had the twitchies for the next two days. I KNEW that every itch was some gruesome, prehistoric beetle digging its way into my skin or crawling around in my hair. Of course it wasn’t, but damn if you could tell that to my brain. Thank God I sleep with ear plugs or I’d have never slept with the fear of its relatives laying eggs in my ears.

I still fear retribution from its friends and family.

And no, I have not been back into that bathroom yet. Nope. Need more time to heal. 😉

I’m still alive! And have a new(ish) book you can get for free!

Hi guys!

I know… it’s been forever! I hope everyone is doing great and that life finds you all happy!

20 Steps to Love, Lust and Happiness

Most of you know that I had a bit of a medical mishap 3 years ago and the fallout has kept me pretty busy. But during some of those fun, insomniatic nights I kept myself entertained by rewriting and combining my two relationship books. It’s been almost a decade since they first came out and I thought they could use the perspective of a woman with that many years more experience in life and love.

As a thank you to those who’ve supported me throughout the years (HUGE THANKS!), I’m gifting 10 Kindle copies to the first ten people who either leave a comment with their email address (though I know most people don’t want to publicly leave their email out there for the world to see) or who email me at jodi@jodiambrose.com and let me know their email address. I’ll send the book right over to you!

If you like it, I’d be forever grateful for a lovely review on Amazon. 🙂

Here’s a little trailer for it:

 

As always, I wish you all so much love, health and happiness in life!

God bless!

Truth 18: How Not To Kill Your Family

 

So, while it may seem early for anything holiday related, I just saw a dang Christmas tree in a store.

WTF???? It’s mid-September?? It’s still a month and a half away from Halloween!!!

Stores have lost their minds. Seriously. It’s insanity! RUN!!!!!

But, the Christmas tree inspired me to do this little video on how not to murder your family and friends, not just around the holidays, but all year long. I use this strategy with the hubby, the family, people that piss me off at the Starbucks, you name it.

I hope it helps you too! Enjoy!

 

LOVE YOU GUYS!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Truth 17: It’s Not About Your Pant Size (oh, and love yourself dammit!)

 

I’m ranting, but ranting from the purest love in my heart. If my rant helps even one person feel better about themselves or changes the view of one person, then it was worth throwing a very public fit with no makeup, unbrushed hair, etc…

Everyone on TV, in movies and magazines tells you that you need to be better. Screw them. You are beautiful as you are.

I love you guys and just want all of you to be happy and healthy!

PS: I know there are other sub-plots to the movie like skinny girls are insecure too, etc… I’m just covering the main idea of the movie I’m about to throw down on, but don’t worry, I didn’t miss the other subtexts that zoomed by in the blink of an eye.

 

Have a great weekend everyone!

Love ya!

Since tomorrow is freaking Monday…for your viewing pleasure. You’re welcome. ğŸ™‚

 

Make sure your volume is up! 🙂