My Insane Sunday

Story 1:

This is why owning weird pets is horrifying when your husband is out of town. So we have Pokey the Hedgehog, otherwise known as Monster. Monster gets live superworms everyday, which is revolting enough. But every time I open the lid to where we keep the worms, just like I did a few minutes ago to give them food so that they stay healthy and pass along those healthy vitamins to Pokey, the condensation from worm goo always splashes on to me.

There is no amount of bleach or lye in the world that can ever make me feel clean again after having worm juice splatter all over me. And I’m not particularly squeamish about things, but worm juice? It landed on my arm, my hand, MY CHEEK!!!! Good Lord. My cheek. I can probably cut off the arm and manage a fairly reasonable life, but I can’t cut off my face! What’s a girl to do?

Well, I’m going to go vomit now. Kidding, but that’s how grossed out I am. Those worms will be lucky if they get this food ever again until the hubby gets home. ICK!

Of course, we all know that deep down I’m a big softy, so I will give them more food. But I will want to puke the whole time.

Story 2:

You might think that being splashed with worm juice would be the hardest part of my day today. That would be inaccurate.

I’m trying to make the house somewhat less disgusting because my darling friend Brenda (literally known her since we were 1 and 2 years old) will be in town and I don’t want her to vomit when she walks in my house because I have not really been able to do any cleaning for the last nine months and she is very neat. She even vacuums when we are on vacation–God bless her.

So I very stupidly, very very stupidly, sit on the floor to try and reupholster a sofa cushion which is about the size and weight of a queen-sized mattress.  Keep in mind, I haven’t done more than walk to the bathroom for the last 9 months, but I’m determined to have a decent looking house when she visits. So, there I am… using those upholstery twisty things trying to clamp this king-sized blanket on to this enormous sofa cushion which weighs more than a car. I’m huffing and I’m puffing and I’m exhausted by the time I’m done. And then I realize I can’t get off the fucking floor.

I’m still in my boot after surgery on my foot, so that entire leg is essentially useless because I can’t get it underneath myself or put full weight on it. And while my arm that was broken is mostly better, it still can’t take any real weight.

So I have only a right foot, a right arm and I’m trying to get my wider-than-usual ass up off the floor. I tried everything. I tried rolling around. I tried getting on my knees. You would think I’d be a pro at that by now, but it did not help in this particular case. 😉 I tried rocking back and forth to build up some momentum. I rolled onto the sofa cushion figuring that would give me an extra 4 inches of lift. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

It was only through the grace of God, who I’m quite sure was laughing hysterically at me, and some magical hand reaching into my dining room and pulling my ass up off the floor that I’m not still sitting there. I should have taken a video of it. It was the most ridiculous 20 minutes of my life! And, of course the phone was no where near me so I couldn’t call someone to come lift my ass up off the floor!

Anyway, I finally manage to get up off the floor, and then I had to move that heavy motherfucking cushion from the dining room onto the sofa in the family room and by the time I got it on there I realized that I’m never moving again for the rest of the day. If I have to use the bathroom I’m just going to pee on the sofa.

Conclusion:

That was my Sunday. WTF was I thinking? Have I lost my mind? I need to just stay on the sofa, not move and say fuck it to anything that’s still messy. That’s my vow and I’m sticking to it!

Love you guys!!! 🙂 XOXO

 

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, etc… :)

Hi everyone!

Yeah, I know. It’s been forever. There are behind the scenes reasons for my absence, but I wanted to reach out this holiday season and let all of you know that I hope you are doing well, enjoying the festivities and have the best 2017 imaginable!

My sissy and her hubby came out for Christmas this year and her husband and my husband finally met after 9 years. Holy moly! So it was the 4 of us, plus Mommy. It was such a wonderful day and I’m still full from all the naughty food I ate!

Here’s a little glimpse into the massive love we had this year.

 

May you all have the most wonderful week and know I’m sending tons of love!!! XOXOXOXO

 

For Those Who Don’t Understand the Word “No”

 

Now, of course, all my lovely friends here aren’t crazed, rapey maniacs, but I found this video and thought I’d share so that if you have kids in high school or college and find it hard to talk about Sexy-Time stuff, you might encourage them to peek at this video.

Have a great weekend! Love you guys! XOXO

Musings of an Old Broad on her Birthday

As always, I am truly amazed and thankful to have such a blessed life.

That I’ve reached 46 (WHAT THE FUCK??? HOW AM I NOT STILL 22???) and am, for the most part, healthy, and for the full part, happy, is simply incredible and I don’t take a moment of it for granted.

When I think back on my life, where I’ve been, am, and will be, it feels like every single thing has led me to this wonderful place where I smile every day.

It hasn’t been easy over the years. It’s been pretty damn hard a lot of the time. But my 40s have taught me so much about what is truly important in life that I’m forever grateful for every wrinkle, scar and extra pound on my ass because each of them brought me to where I am.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I sound like a fuckin’ Hallmark card…but I’m allowed.  😉 It’s my birthday, dangit (well, this is getting posted a day late, so I have all the extra wisdom that one extra day has brought me).

So, in the tradition of my other birthday posts, I’m going to list things that I’ve learned this year and things for which I’m thankful.

Things I’ve Learned:

  1. Being patient, even when pushed to the brink of homicide, is a gift that should be used often.
  2. Some people just don’t listen and/or have any sense of recall. While it drives me absolutely bonkers when I’ve said something 4600 times and then hear “No, you never mentioned that before,” people are who they are and no amount of trying to make them remember shit will help. So, I’ve learned to just live with it or write stuff down for them so there can be no confusion.
  3. This is not a new piece of learning, but I was sorely tested to keep this in mind over the past year: Some people that you are forced to deal with are just total fuckheads and there’s nothing you can do about it. I got so mad the other week I threw my phone across the room and sat there fuming for 5 minutes while the conversation carried on without me. It was either be off the phone for a few or say things I wouldn’t regret, but would get me in trouble anyway. So, I guess I did learn that a good phone throw can, at least, be temporarily satisfying.
  4. Not listening to the advice of people who dislike you for their own stupid reasons is the very best thing you can do. Like my mom always said, “Consider the source.” If someone’s an asshat or a bitch and they tell you how YOU need to change so that they can be happier, tell them to go eat a bag dicks.
  5. Never, ever, ever, ever, and I do mean NEVER talk politics with anyone you aren’t willing to fight with. It’s so stupid, as everyone is welcome to their opinion, but people go bat shit crazy with politics and it just isn’t worth it (in my book at least). You go on with your bad self if you like to talk politics, but count my ass OUT. 😉
  6. Swimming with otters is the best damn pastime on earth and there is no doubt that one day I need to move further north to a state with green everywhere and bunnies, squirrels and deer roaming freely in my backyard.
  7. There are few better things you can do to create a happy life than be kind to others.
  8. I love my sister more and more every year. She and I may have had a few tiffs over the last 5 decades, but I don’t know what I would do without her.

Things For Which I’m Thankful:

  1. I am so deeply thankful for the way my mom raised me. I know I’m a mouthy broad, but she raised me to be kind, and not judge people, and always think of what someone may be going through and how that might affect them and their actions before responding in any given way to their behavior. She raised me to be polite, but say what I think in a tactful way (most of the time!). She raised me to have deep faith in God, and I’m so happy for that, as it brings me peace every day of my life…every moment.
  2. I’m thankful that I’m still around to write this post. As many of you know, I’ve been dead, like actually dead dead, more than once. And to be here, happy, mostly healthy, and in such a wonderful place in my life, thrills me to my toes.
  3. I’m thankful for the family I was born into and wouldn’t trade them for the world.
  4. I’m thankful for the wonderful friends I’ve made over the years and feel truly blessed that so many of them are still in my life.
  5. I’m thankful that I have a great job where I get to use my brain (sometimes too much!) to help make little kids have a better education. That helps me sleep better at night knowing that I’m giving a little back to a world that has given me so much.
  6. I’m thankful that I have a “If they don’t like me, they can bite me” attitude. 🙂 It took me a lot of years to get there, but there is nothing better than removing that stress from my life. Total bliss.
  7. I’m thankful I had otter paws in my mouth!!!! 🙂
  8. While my hubby has always been the most kind, generous, loving and thoughtful man, over the last year he’s made it even more clear that he really, truly loves me as I am and wants nothing more than for me to be happy. If that doesn’t make a girl thankful every minute of every day, I don’t know what does.
  9. And last but not least (as this list could go on for 300 items, so I’m trying to keep it short), I’m thankful for my new HEDGEHOG!!!! The hubby got this precious little guy for me for my birthday and I’M IN LOVE!!!!!!

(These pics are screenshots from a video, so they are for shit quality-wise, but he’s too cute not to share!)

Hedgehog and Jodi June 5

Hedgehog and Jodi June 5

Hedgehog and Jodi June 5

Isn’t he precious??!!! I’m in love!!

Well, in closing, thanks for putting up with me for another year. You guys rule and I hope that each of you has a life and a birthday that brings you nothing but joy.

Much love!

You are my sunshine…my only sunshine…

You guys know that in addition to being a foul-mouthed trollop, I’m also a squishy little cuddle bun bun with my hubby.

We text each other a few times during the day just to say, “I love you, Stinker!” Or, “How’s my little Muffininator’s day going?”

He’ll send me imgur images of frolicking otters or baby squirrels. Yep, I’m a total sap! Alas, that is not news to any of you. 🙂

So, today I thought I’d liven up an I Love You text to the man with this cute little gif:

iloveyoubun

The hubby just loved it!

So, I thought I’d share with you a bunch of gifs I pilfered from Google Images so that you can nab them and text or email them to your honey bunny (or mom, sister, brother, dog, kid, cat, hamster…whoever has an Internet connection).

For Windows users, you should be able to right click on them, select Save Image As, then save them to your local drive for future uploading into a text message or email.

For Mac users, I guess you just think to yourself, “Mac, upload this image and send to wifey,” and it’ll read your mind and do it all for you. If that, for some odd reason, doesn’t work, maybe click and hold???? It’s been so long since I worked on a Mac that I’ve forgotten anything I ever knew about them. I’m a slave to Bill Gates apparently. NOOOOO!!!! 😉

Here ya go! Cuteness galore…

DancingILoveYou DoggyLove FancyILoveYou HappyFaceILoveYou ILoveYouBlinkyHeart IMissYou KittyLove LoveForever MousyLove ScoobyLove SparkleLove TeddyHeartsLoveYou TeddyLove YouAre

And lastly, for those of you who kind of love/hate your mate, here’s a super creepy one that both shouts love and is the precursor to nightmares:

CreepyClownLove

Now go send some love to your honey!

Or don’t.

You can always instead send them dancing poop to say hi. 😉

PoopDance