I love my sweet family


I stumbled across this in my phone and it reminded me of how blessed I’ve been in my life.

Can you believe I have a post with no cuss words? WTF??? 😉 ♡♡♡♡

Favorite New Crap to Buy

Howdy and Happy New Year! 

Yep, the sentiment is a bit late, but I still hope you all had and will have a happy one.

Now for the scoop.

Every once in a while I do a post that details some fabulous product I’ve come across. This time you get 2!

First is something my sister got me last year and again this year. It’s a face powder foundation that kicks ass!

Lancome Dual Finish PowderI wore foundation and powder for the past 30 years and never thought I’d do anything else, but this shit rules!

When my sister gave it to me she said, “I’ve found the best foundation powder ever and I can finally get some for you. They just came out with their Corpse Line of Colors and they have one light enough for your white ass.”

Well, my white ass was also a dumb ass because I totally believed her! Ha! Little snot.

While there is no Corpse Line of Colors, I do have to get the very lightest one they sell. I’m a pale mo fo!

Two caveats to keep in mind with this stuff:

  1. You should wipe down your face with some water and a washcloth to get any sleepy crust off your mug (mine is usually trails of dried drool and eye boogers).
  2. Use a moisturizing cream under it, but LET IT DRY COMPLETELY or you’re fucked. This powder will turn into some kind of impossible to remove sludge if you have ANY dampness on your face.  I use Estee Lauder Hydrationist Maximum Moisture Cream and while it reminds me of old ladies with fancy creams sitting on doilies on their antique dressing tables, the shit does work. And since I never wash my face, it has quite the job to do. Luckily, it does it well. But I wait about 10 minutes after applying the cream before I put on the powder.

I get compliments all the time on my skin and how smooth it looks. I give 75% of the credit to getting my mom’s genes and 25% credit to Lancome. None of the credit goes to me.

Next product (this one the guys can use too!):

Who out there has feet that you wouldn’t want to take a picture of and use as your profile pic?

Got the Crusty Heel Blues?

I get a pedicure every 4 weeks or so, but since I’m a barefoot mama and try to avoid shoes at all cost I still get feet that are a little rough around the edges. I can tell when I need a trip to the pedicure chair when at night, on my satin sheets, I can hear my feet scrape across the satin and pill the material. That is just fucked up. Ewwwwww!!!

Good news is that I discovered this kick ass, at-home foot belt sander that make my feet feel like the feet of an infant.

If I could and not be weird, I might kiss my own feet all the time like you kiss a baby’s cause they are soft as can be.

And the fun thing is you get to watch all the skin powder from your foot fly up in the air while you sand off the calluses. Yeah, I know, gross. But it’s totally fun too!

foot sanderIt’s the Emjoi Micro-pedi Battery Operated Callus Remover and I got it on Amazon for $30.

I use it for just a minute or two a night and I’m telling you, my feet are delicious now! Plus, I can get cheaper pedicures because I won’t need the callus remover treatment anymore, so this thing will pay for itself in less than 2 pedicures.

Pretty freakin’ awesome, if I do say so myself!

If you guys get them, let me know what you think. I love love love both of them and even sent my sister one of the footie things as a surprise present.

Anyway, those are my post-Christmas treats that I just had to share (along with a few pics below of our Christmas fun!).

Have a great weekend everyone!

HUGS!!

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Someone PLEASE take my mom’s smartphone away from her! PLEASE!!!

Oh my good God. Nothing is more entertaining than trying to watch my mom manage a smartphone.

Image credit: http://joyreactor.com

Image credit: http://joyreactor.com

Bless her septuagenarian heart, but I’m thinking a flip phone is really all she can handle without giving me gray hair. (Which, by the way, I got my FIRST FUCKING GRAY HAIR LAST MONTH! WHAT THE SHIT?! I’M STILL YOUNG DAMMIT! Of course, Mom told me to keep that fact to myself and never tell anyone, but I just had to share my horror. It was only one, so I’m going with the thought that it’s an aberration. Yep. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!) 🙂

Okay, so back to Mom. When she got her Samsung Galaxy 4 (my sweet sister got it for her) I knew she’d be overwhelmed, so I removed every possible button that she could touch that might have her accidentally ordering a car or creating a twitter account. God forbid!

I also taught her how to use only those things that were relevant to her daily life (calling, texting and emailing). She wanted to know, “What does that button do? What about that one? That button looks pretty…” Me: “Don’t look at the pretty buttons Mom. You don’t need them. They are bad and will immediately electrocute you and cost Becky (my sister) $3,000 if you touch it.” Honestly, I removed every dang button I could and got her down to one homescreen as swiping is such a foreign concept to her that it hurt my brain.

Now, keep in mind that for a great deal of my life I’ve been a trainer in one way or another. Whether it was via live TV, in person, on video or writing training documentation, I can train like a MO FO. I can pretty much train anyone on anything. Seriously, it’s one of my few talents. But nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, can ever prepare one for training their 74 year old mom how to use a smartphone.

To show you how adorable and tech-challenged my mom is, I want to share with you the first texts she ever sent me on her new Galaxy. Knowing that she wouldn’t like typing out a text I taught her how to use the voice recognition. This phone has the best voice recognition of anything I’ve ever experienced. I love it and use it all the time. Occasionally it’ll come up with something whacky, but usually it’s spot on. Except with my mom.

Let me set the stage for this text: I was out of town on business and needed her help with some deliveries that were coming to the house.

This text exhange had me rolling on the floor laughing.  I hope you enjoy it too. 🙂

ME: Hi Mommy!!!! I just got a notification that I got a delivery at the house today. If you go out tomorrow would you mind swinging by the house and putting the delivery inside for me? I sure would appreciate it. If you can’t though, don’t worry about it. 🙂

I love my little mommy. 🙂

I would call you but I’m still out at a late working dinner with my coworkers. LOVE MOMMY!!!

MOM: Jedi I just got your message I had my phone charging that I will absolutely get your package in your house tomorrow I love you I’m talking this out I hoe it is readable I love you BB T Queen Anne have a wonderful night and day tomorrow love you

MOM (two days later): Jedi I don’t know if this is working it keeps coming up and telling me that Google is up not working so anyway I’m trying to let you know that my rest cme out at 6 o’clock and it was so tough after even after 4 hours of cooking that I could not even hardly cut it with a knife to take a little tip piece f s*** and I took that little piece and stuck it in my mouth it was so test that its cleat when I get out Judit s like a noise that you could bake if yo were doing and research I wanted to let you know that there would be no its tomorrow but I can bring you a pizza

ME: You are so dang adorable.  I love you for trying to make a frozen roast tender and yummy. Sweetest mommy ever. We would love a pizza tomorrow. Thank you. You are such a loving mama.  🙂 I have your Humectress. 🙂 Love you!

MOM: Baby jedi!  That message is crazy and cut off before i finished!  W

MOM (separate text): e’ll talk later in english ♡ !   Love mommy

ME: I love your crazy text. I giggled myself silly! Sweet dreams.  Love mommy!

That woman is so damn cute and adorable I could hug her til she pops!!! The great thing here, and what humbles me, is that she knows how to make a heart in a text and I don’t even know how to do that! Now I’ll have to ask her to teach me something new.

Mommy and me a few months ago. She's so dang cute!

Mommy and me a few months ago. She’s so dang cute!

It’s texts like these (and she did bring us a pizza the next day because she rules) that remind me how much fun my mom is. She may be 74, but she might as well be 30. She is sweet and loving and has such a good sense of humor about herself. Thank God for my mommy.

Well, off to bed I go! I hope you all have a great weekend and enjoyed my little mommy story. 🙂 HUGS!

Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday, part deux

So, I went back and reread my Musings of an Old Hag on her Birthday, part one from last year and I must say that it all still holds true.

For those of you new to my blog since June of last year, you can read it here: OLD HAG. I really hope you enjoy it and/or identify with it because I have to tell you that I’m happier in my 40s than I’ve ever been before and it’ll tell you exactly why.

As I don’t want to repeat what I said last year I’m going to list a few things that I’ve learned and a few things for which I am thankful.

Things for which I’m thankful:

  1. I have a loving family who always makes me feel special
  2. My husband kicks so much ass that it hurts my brain sometimes
  3. I have wonderful blogging buddies that add so very much to my life
  4. My 2nd toe is shorter than my big toe and that makes me very happy
  5. I’ve added about 15 new teddy bears to the Sofa Teddy collection and I have fun with them all the time
  6. Getting emails from people who’ve been helped by my sassy mouth–such a wonderful feeling
  7. I’ve managed to stay a non-smoker for approximately 6 months, 13 days and 2 hours (not that I’m counting)
  8. I’ve managed to only gain 8 pounds since I quit–really, that sucks, but it could have been 20, so I can’t complain
  9. I’m healthier since meeting the hubby than I’ve ever been in my life and he loves me even if I’m covered in scars from head to toe
  10. I still think that aging gracefully is a wonderful thing

Things I’ve learned:

I recently went back home for a visit (last week) and while I was there I saw two old friends who are so very dear to my heart. One I’ve known for 29 years. The other I’ve known for 22. Both of them have made such a great impact in my life–I wouldn’t be who I am today without either of them. One taught me what true friendship is. One taught me when to cut and run, how to heal and how to forgive. It was really quite emotional being back there, but I’m so thankful I went. Here’s what I’ve learned over the the last half of my life from knowing those two people:

  1. Friendship doesn’t need to be constantly reminded of itself. True friends can go years without seeing one another and then fall back into place like only a day has passed in the meantime.
  2. Friendship isn’t full of bullshit and fear. True friends love you enough to risk telling you when you are being a dumb ass and are loyal enough to hold your hand through the worst and best of times.
  3. Bravery is a beautiful thing, even if it means facing something you worry will cause you great pain. There is something about just the facing of it that can give you such great relief.
  4. Faithfulness and loyalty are the greatest gift you can give the one you love AND the greatest gift you can give yourself. Being able to look in the mirror in the morning and not shudder from disappointment in yourself is truly a blessing.
  5. Separating your heart from your mind and saying, “Enough is enough” is a skill that I’m so very happy to have, even if it is a bitch to put into practice.
  6. I have so much room in my heart for love that it astonishes me sometimes. Often I worry that I’m a little bit hard–things that make others cry often don’t really affect me. But I think that what it really is, is that I love those close to me so very deeply and completely that there isn’t a great deal of room left. That may sound bad, but I mean it in a good way. I love fully and with abandon. I don’t love with fear. I don’t love with regret. I love openly and I’m so very happy and thankful for that.
  7. And finally, forgiveness is truly the most glorious of all human abilities. It may take 10 minutes or 20 years, but forgiving yourself for your own mistakes (be they intentional or not) and forgiving others who have harmed you (again, whether or not they intentionally harmed you) will not only make the world a bit brighter, but will reduce the ache of that pain at least down to a very tiny pin prick, if not remove it completely.

As you can see, these two old friends have helped me achieve the beautiful life I have now and I thank God every day that they not only came into my life, but that they stayed.

On an entirely different note: Did I go an entire post without using the word “fuck”? Holy crap!  😉

Last but not least, here is a pic of my Mommy and me last week at the beach. I’m 5 days shy of being 43 in this pic and my mom is 74. We both embrace our age, though we also both still feel 22 (and often act it too!). I am most grateful that my mom is not only still around, but that she is for the most part happy and healthy. She is a true gift from God and I’m forever thankful to have her.

Mom and me at the beach

Vacation Time!!

I’m goin’ on vacation!!! Woo hoo!!!

As a Christmas present for my mom, I told her I’d treat her to a vacation back home on the east coast. And we’re heading off tomorrow! Yay!!!

Luckily, I was able to save enough airline miles to get us there first class for free. My sweet little 74 year old mommy should be able to enjoy a nice, wide seat and good food, so I did everything but hook on the corner to get airline miles saved for the last year (I plan my Christmas presents WAY in advance). Thankfully, I was able to save enough with 300 miles to spare!

We’re going to hang out in our old home town and then head to the beach. I’m going to eat more blue crabs than anyone on earth. I can’t wait. 🙂

Mom and Jodi at Christmas

I hope you guys all have a wonderful long weekend (for those of you in the States)! I’ll be back in the next couple of weeks.

Love ya!