I love ranting yes I do, doo dah, doo dah. I love ranting yes I do, all the doo dah day!

I’m hoping you sang along with me as you read the title of this blog. I think a old timey, out of tune song now and again is a good thing. Of course, my cats ran away shrieking at the sound of my rather off key voice! BRATS! No more food for them, ungrateful mongrels!

So, while I indulged my brain in a nice computer-free vacation, I got to relax around the TV set. I hate to admit it, but I do love my boob tube. Man, were there a lot of boobs to look at (both boob-boobs and intellectual boobs).

While lazing about the house and putting a permanent ass-dent in the sofa I noticed a few rather irksome things in my trash TV. Things that got my editor brain aching with pain. Things that got my innate dislike of The Man all riled up. So, I thought I’d share.

Here are two things that made me pause the TV every time they happened (constantly) and say to my husband, “What the fuck? People are stupid and corporations can eat me. Ugh!” He’d chuckle, pat my head, and turn right back to his video games. He’s so patient. 😉

ONE: What ever happened to the “LY” on the end of an adverb? Did I miss a memo that said that people no longer had to use LY? Is it sooooo difficult and time consuming to speak with even a modicum of intelligence anymore? Apparently, the answer to that question is yes. Now, don’t get me wrong–I have typos sometimes. I’m sure I say things incorrectly. I’m no saint and even might be a slight hypocrite, but if you are going to be on TV can you at least attempt to speak somewhat properly?

Here are some examples:

  1. “Wow, you performed beautiful.”  Doesn’t that just sound wrong coming out of your mouth? Doesn’t your brain register that something is missing?
  2. “You did that careful.” NO! He did it carefulLY!
  3. “I waited patient. He took forever.” No You Di’int. (Typo intentional. 😉 )
  4. “He spoke so arrogant.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t use big words if you don’t know how to use them proper.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My internet connection just went down and I lost the last half of this damn post. SHIIIIIIIIT POOP ASSFACE %$#^$%%!!! This sucks!!!!  Someone please find the owner of Cox and kill him. Please? Well dang. It took forever to write and now it’s gone. Okay, it’s never as good the second time I write something, so expect this to suck. 😉

TWO: As if television shows aren’t challenged enough in maintaining my suspension of disbelief, do they really not think it completely goes away when they insert a commercial into the script of a show? I’m not talking about regular commercials. I mean actually written into the script. Argh! The moment they do it, I’m no longer involved in the story because they are rudely (LOOK! an LY!) reminding me that the entire purpose of the TV show is not to entertain, but to make money. I know that in part of my brain, but I like to at least have them fake it for me by not shoving products down my throat with scripted dialog.

  1. Rizzoli and Isles, corpse cutter interacting with meddling mom. The mom is about to wear high heels for the first time in years and the friendly body chopper has the solution to her impending foot pain. “I have a solution for you. Use these Dr. Sholl’s shoe inserts. You’ll be able to wear you shoes all day and be comfortable. Dr. Sholl’s make your feet happy.”
  2. 90210 (SHUT IT! I know…I should be ashamed.) Pretty blonde girl talking to pretty brunette girl as they get ready to go out on the town. Pretty brunette girl, “Wow, you always look so great.” Pretty blonde girl, “I know. It’s because I use Rimmel mascara. It makes my lashes long and lush and my legs pliable and gappy. You should go buy some. Rimmel is amazing.”
  3. Bones, yet another corpse cutter (do I have a thing for corpses??) talking with Mr. Tough Guy FBI Dude. They are driving somewhere in the car and she’s concerned about finding the location. Luckily for them, they have… “This great GPS system that will help us find any location. With my in-dash TomTom, we can get anywhere quickly and easily. TomTom even gives blowjobs, so I no longer need you. Now GET OUT!”

Okay, so there was some SLIGHT embellishment there, but you get the point. As soon as one of those in-script commercials happens, it take me 5 minutes to get back into the show. Now, I understand that with the invention of the DVR that we are no longer forced to watch regular commercials which compel us to eat McDonalds (mmmm…fillet o’fish!), suck on Dilly Bars (mmmmm…ice milk…), buy fancy cars (mmmmm…Hyundai. Oh, that one’s not so great), or go on those dream vacations we cannot afford (vacation? yeah, right). But to actually write them into the script? C’mon people!

We’ve all endured product placement for decades and decades. All you have to do is watch last week’s True Blood to see a group of illiterate murders sitting around a HUGE 12 pack of Old Milwaukee (seriously? Old Milwaukee?) prominently displayed on an end table to know that some CEO at “Flat Piss Beers R US” paid a million dollars to hawk his wares at us. And that’s bad enough. But do I need to see one of our IQ-challenged murderers pick up the 12 pack and say directly into the camera, “Drink Old Milwaukee. Chicks will give you hummers if you do. And it cures male patterned baldness too.” No. I don’t not need to see that. At least TB didn’t stoop that low.

Well, that’s my rant. I had a really good concluding paragraph earlier before my Internet crashed and since I just cannot come up with anything half as witty as what I had written before I’m not even going to try. 😉

Oh, I AM going to post a HORRIBLY (see, LY again!) inappropriate picture to go along with the first part of this post. I mean, it has language in it that make the F-word look like child’s play. It is AWFUL and you should NOT read it if you don’t like terrible cuss words. I mean it. Don’t give me any guff for this picture because I know it’s foul. My sister sent it to me a while back (she’s a language freak like I am) and I laughed until I thought I’d die. But I like horrible language, especially when it’s done in a clever fashion, so prepare yourselves before you read it. I’m not going to put it in this post because I want to put a HUGE warning in the title so innocent people don’t read it and get all offended. But I sure hope you guys like it! 😉 Peace out.

On Being a Driving Sociopath

Drive faster or move your ass outta my way! Yep, that’s pretty much how I look at all other drivers on the road.  This is me confessing that I think that everyone else should part like the Red Sea and make room for me when I drive. I KNOW! That is HORRIBLE!!!! I’m a BAD person! But, I’m tellin’ ya, I want to lose my ever-loving mind sometimes.

Of course, it doesn’t help living in Arizona. Here we have people called Snowbirds. While they are great for our economy, our population doubles between November and April with all the people who Winter here.  And while I love people of all races, religions, age, weight, hair color, sexual-orientation, eye color, IQ, shoe size and pet-preference, I have a hard time with the slow driver.

I try so hard to keep in mind, when a sweet octogenarian in a 1995 Lincoln is driving 15 miles below the speed limit in front of me, that bless their heart, they probably survived WWII or Korea or Vietnam. They’ve raised families, suffered loss, probably have medical conditions. I really, REALLY try to remember all of that so that my instinct of running them off the road while flipping them the bird and singing Highway to Hell at the top of my lungs doesn’t overtake me.

Jeepers, I should probably delete this post as it makes me look like a hideous person, but it took me 8 minutes to go ONE mile today. ONE MILE!! I had a moving roadblock in front of me doing between 12-15 mph on a main road. I wasn’t sure if I was more homicidal or suicidal. I mean, I understand that life shapes who we are and part of who we are is reflected in how we drive. Maybe the person driving their car slower than I walk had been in an accident at some other time in their life and is now kinda scared to drive. Maybe they aren’t feeling well. Maybe their car sucks and is dying. These are things I try to keep in the forefront of my mind when trapped in hell on the road. Alas, I still lose my mind.

Here are things I think about driving:

  1. If someone is behind you and clearly wants to go faster than you, if you are not already in the right lane for slow people, then MOVE OVER! Even if I’m speeding (which I try to limit to no more than 7 mph over the speed limit as I fear traffic cops more than cancer), if the person behind me wants to go faster then me, I move. It’s the polite thing to do.
  2. If you don’t use turn signals you should not be allowed to have a car.
  3. If you sit at a light for 10 seconds after it turns green, you should be stripped of your driving privileges.
  4. If you are lost or looking for an address, put your hazard lights on so that people expect your dumbass driving. At least then we won’t be stunned when you stop dead in the middle of the street.
  5. Learn to park in ONE parking space. I realize this isn’t exactly a driving pet peeve, but when someone parks on the diagonal in a non-diagonal parking space, I want to key their car. I would never do it, as again, I fear police more than female patterned baldness, but I do get the urge.
  6. Did I mention that if you don’t use turn signals you should be drawn and quartered? Oh, wow, that sounded harsh!!! I wouldn’t actually do that to anyone, I promise. 🙂

While I have now officially painted myself as a psycho, I know I’m not the only one. As such, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to let me know in my poll what kind of driver you are. I promise to still like you if you are a slow, devil-may-care driver. I might like you less, but I’ll still like you. 😉 KIDDING!!