On Being a Driving Sociopath

Drive faster or move your ass outta my way! Yep, that’s pretty much how I look at all other drivers on the road.  This is me confessing that I think that everyone else should part like the Red Sea and make room for me when I drive. I KNOW! That is HORRIBLE!!!! I’m a BAD person! But, I’m tellin’ ya, I want to lose my ever-loving mind sometimes.

Of course, it doesn’t help living in Arizona. Here we have people called Snowbirds. While they are great for our economy, our population doubles between November and April with all the people who Winter here.  And while I love people of all races, religions, age, weight, hair color, sexual-orientation, eye color, IQ, shoe size and pet-preference, I have a hard time with the slow driver.

I try so hard to keep in mind, when a sweet octogenarian in a 1995 Lincoln is driving 15 miles below the speed limit in front of me, that bless their heart, they probably survived WWII or Korea or Vietnam. They’ve raised families, suffered loss, probably have medical conditions. I really, REALLY try to remember all of that so that my instinct of running them off the road while flipping them the bird and singing Highway to Hell at the top of my lungs doesn’t overtake me.

Jeepers, I should probably delete this post as it makes me look like a hideous person, but it took me 8 minutes to go ONE mile today. ONE MILE!! I had a moving roadblock in front of me doing between 12-15 mph on a main road. I wasn’t sure if I was more homicidal or suicidal. I mean, I understand that life shapes who we are and part of who we are is reflected in how we drive. Maybe the person driving their car slower than I walk had been in an accident at some other time in their life and is now kinda scared to drive. Maybe they aren’t feeling well. Maybe their car sucks and is dying. These are things I try to keep in the forefront of my mind when trapped in hell on the road. Alas, I still lose my mind.

Here are things I think about driving:

  1. If someone is behind you and clearly wants to go faster than you, if you are not already in the right lane for slow people, then MOVE OVER! Even if I’m speeding (which I try to limit to no more than 7 mph over the speed limit as I fear traffic cops more than cancer), if the person behind me wants to go faster then me, I move. It’s the polite thing to do.
  2. If you don’t use turn signals you should not be allowed to have a car.
  3. If you sit at a light for 10 seconds after it turns green, you should be stripped of your driving privileges.
  4. If you are lost or looking for an address, put your hazard lights on so that people expect your dumbass driving. At least then we won’t be stunned when you stop dead in the middle of the street.
  5. Learn to park in ONE parking space. I realize this isn’t exactly a driving pet peeve, but when someone parks on the diagonal in a non-diagonal parking space, I want to key their car. I would never do it, as again, I fear police more than female patterned baldness, but I do get the urge.
  6. Did I mention that if you don’t use turn signals you should be drawn and quartered? Oh, wow, that sounded harsh!!! I wouldn’t actually do that to anyone, I promise. 🙂

While I have now officially painted myself as a psycho, I know I’m not the only one. As such, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to let me know in my poll what kind of driver you are. I promise to still like you if you are a slow, devil-may-care driver. I might like you less, but I’ll still like you. 😉 KIDDING!!