Oh yeah…it’s NOOKIE-TIME!

Yep…it’s that time again. My latest yarn on all things nookie related is out, about and ready to be read by all you perverts out there. 😉 Kidding! Well, it is ready to read, but you don’t have to be a pervert (though I KNOW most of you are!) Feel free to pop on over the The Acquiring Man magazine for my monthly column.

Acquiring Man Oct Article

Beyond me trying to help you get some knickers on the floor, let’s see what else is going on around here while I’m plagued with insomnia.

Things I was thinking about last night while laying in bed begging God (and sleeping pills) to help me sleep:

  1. If I don’t stop thinking about work I’m going to hang myself. (Yeah…kept thinking about work for a while…and then these thoughts came and distracted me.)
  2. Why can’t I have two otters in the pool in the backyard? That would make my life complete.
  3. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why God made oil, butter, cream, cheese and Italian deli meats so fattening? Why can’t it all be healthy like broccoli? Was it just to test us? Ugh!
  4. I wonder if my teddy bears talk and run around while I’m gone? I sometimes come home and they’ve moved–how can that happen? Are the kitties playing with them?
  5. I wonder just how much information my hamster’s brain actually processes. Ahhh…to be a hamster for one minute.
  6. What am I going to wear to my class reunion in a couple of weeks? I hate my clothes!
  7. Crap…gotta get my hair dyed as NOW I HAVE FUCKING GRAY HAIRS! (Okay, gray hair–singular, but still.)
  8. Maybe I’ll head to Macy’s and see if I can find something pretty to wear. Man, I hate shopping.
  9. I wish Clark Color would put their wall art on sale again. I’m NOT paying full price. Nope, not gonna happen.
  10. I hope my sister likes all her insane birthday presents.
  11. Why have so many people stopped pronouncing consonants in words? It’s not “di’in’t” it’s fucking “diDn’t.” Kill me.
  12. UFFF! Cat jumped dead center onto my left boob. OUCH!
  13. I wonder if the cat does that shit on purpose? I may have to kill her.
  14. Dammit, now I’m never going to go to sleep–cat scratch on nip.
  15. I love FrootLoops. I want some right now. (So, I go get a dry bowl of them…)
  16. Shit…the crunching is waking up the man. Gotta let them soak in my mouth til mushy, then chew. Eww…not so good. (Went and sat in the floor in the hall to finish eating them.)

Yep, those are my 3am ramblings. Sorry you had to suffer through them too!!

Have a great weekend. I’ve been on my computer for about 70 hours this week and I have to put it down for at least a few hours or I’m going to become unpleasant. XOXOXO


I Smell Like a Stripper? What?

I’ve always wondered what a stripper smelled like. Apparently, the answer is like cotton candy and vanilla. Who knew?

My sweet, beautiful sister bought a new fragrance and was told by her husband that it made her smell like a stripper. Her first (and hilarious) response was, “How does my husband know what a stripper smells like since he’s been married to me for 10 years?” That shit cracked me up!!! Of course, I had to chime in and ask about the fragrance. Any scent that reminded men of hot strippers is something I needed to be wearing. Immediately!

So, I asked what the scent was, bought it, and upon first spraying some on my neck my husband fell in love with the way I smelled. Now, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW if it reminds him of fond childhood stripper memories. Ignorance is bliss, my friends. But regardless of any memory the smell triggered, he loves it. So I went and bought the hair perfume too. Yep, they also make it in hair scent. That way, every time you toss your hair in a flirtatious manner or sweat like a mountain gorilla in the summer heat, gee, your hair will smell terrific!

Ladies, if you want to smell edible (seriously, I wanna eat my own neck and drink the bottle every time I spray it) you should give this a try. Best part is, it’s not expensive. I got mine at Overstock.com (LOVE that dang site) for about $25 for 3.4 ounces. Well worth it.

Oh, are you curious about what the fragrance is? I’m such a tease. You must prepare yourselves because the name could be taken in a few ways. I’m a filthy pervert, so I always go to the dark side (which I will kindly keep to myself.)

Pink Sugar! Go get some! 🙂

Thoughts on Romantic Grocery Shopping

See, shoe shopping with the woman can make you happy!

I’m not particularly domestic. As a matter of fact, if I never saw a broom, a sponge or a dustmop again I’d be the world’s happiest woman. As I’m not the Queen of Domesticity, trips to the grocery store are particularly anathema to me. Yuck! Plus, I want to put every chocolate or pizza related item in the store into my basket and then roll around naked in them. Since I can’t do that (well, technically speaking I could, but then I couldn’t fit through the front door), I try to stay away from stores. For quite a few years I’d have my groceries delivered so that I could avoid both the temptation and the drudgery of grocery shopping.

Then along came my husband. He loves to cook, doesn’t mind grocery shopping and actually does the dishes. Heaven. But then I felt bad. He shouldn’t get stuck doing all the shopping. That doesn’t seem fair. So, now I’ve turned it into an adventure. I make sure I grab his cute ass at least 3 or 4 times as we walk down the aisles. I run into him with the cart. I sneak kisses. I suggest buying ridiculous crap just to see him roll his eyes and giggle.

What I’ve discovered is that even a chore that I hate can be made fun by MAKING it fun.

My point? Guys, next time your girl wants to go shoe shopping, go with her. While it may seem like hell on earth, you can pick out shoes you think are sexy, have her model them for you, then buy them for her. I’m not talking $200 shoes. Go to Payless or Famous Footwear or one of those other less expensive shoe  stores. I’m never a believer that spending tons of money makes a relationship better. But, the experience you’ll have together combined with your thoughtfulness will make those shoes something she smiles at every time she sees them or wears them (think of her wearing them and ONLY them.)

It’s showing love like that to your girl, like I show to my hubby by making grocery shopping fun,  that helps keep a relationship happy, light-hearted and enduring.

Now go have some shopping fun this weekend! (And enjoy the naked shoe modelling when you get home!)