Make sure your volume is up! 🙂
Well, you guys know that our little Tick Teddy likes to go on wild adventures.
He’s been all over the country and up into Canada, leaving a trail of dead hookers in his wake.
There’s no confining him. No stopping him. He just won’t abide!
This week, Tick Teddy is on Hollywood Boulevard.
He’s laying waste to everything in his path and I will show you the evidence that can certainly (hopefully) be used against him in a court of law.
“Hi mama. Daddy left me here while he’s off banging bar slut wannabes. There’s nothing for me to play with. I’m bored mama.”
“Look who I found, mama! I gots me a Tyrannical Rex to play with. I hope he doesn’t pull me down into a life ‘a crime. I’ma gonna use him to help me see over all the tall people heads. Not to rob banks. No sirreee bob. I promise.”
“Told you I was gonna be good. Me ‘n Daddy have our own star on the Walk o’ Shame…oh, I means Walk of Fame.”
“Hey mama, I gots you a new boyfriend! He tells me he’s the man that dreams are made of. I’m not sure I believe him mama. Mama???”
“Whew! No bad dreams for the Tick, mama. I gots me a hundrit percent solution to what ails me.”
“Mama, I thought you said Daddy was my Daddy? Then why is this asshat telling me that HE’S my father? What’s goin’ on, mama?”
“Look, mama, I had to escape my new Daddy. He touched me in bad places. So, yeah, I’ma gonna turn right on red. I gots ta get outta here and fast!”
“It sure is warm in here mama. Tick likey.”
“Now mama, don’t get upset. It’s alcohol-free beer. I ain’t shining you on. You knows I’m a good Tick and would never do anything bad or that would get me in trouble.”
“Well, mama, it had to happen sumtime. I’m just glad you aren’t around to see it first hand. They’s throwing me in the hootscow. I’ma dun for. Say bye to the other teddies for me. I see the way that ho’se is eyeballin’ me. This ain’t gonna go down easy…”
PS: Big props to the hubby, who, while out of town and knowing that I miss him terribly, takes Tick on his adventures and sends me these pictures to make me smile. I am truly the most blessed girl on earth. I love you, baby! 🙂
I still believe that icecream should be one word. WHY ISN’T IT ONE WORD??? It doesn’t make any sense. Iceberg is one word. So is Iceland. What about iceman? Even iceweasel is one word–though I have no flippin’ idea what it means.
Anyway, I digress!
You guys know I love chocolate.
If I could eat it all day, every day without dying of malnutrition, I’d do so. To hell with being able to fit into a car. Chocolate rules!
So, in an effort to eat food that is as healthy and non-processed as possible (meaning if it contains plastic, shit I cannot pronounce, or metal shavings, I’m trying to shy away from it), I thought that what I’d do is when I’m dying for some chocolate I’d just eat one spoonful of my favorite chocolate iceCREAM (dammit!) on earth: Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk. Just the name of it makes me a bit randy! And it contains ingredients that don’t tongue tie me.
Believe it or not I’m perfectly capable (though it takes ALL my strength) of eating only one bite per day. It sates my chocolate craving and is only about 25 calories for a small bite.
About a week ago I realized that my month-old pint of B&J is down to the last bite. Yes! It lasted a whole month. I am quite proud of myself.
I was so excited about getting that last delicious morsel of orgasmic chocolate heaven into my gaping maw that I attacked the pint with a ferocity typically known only to mother lions protecting their cubs.
Alas, that damn stuff was so frozen that it was not very accepting of my spoon. It bent the damn thing in half. (I know I’m not the only person with like 10 oddly bent spoons in their silverware drawer from where hard iceCREAM bent it and you had to try and mush it back into shape with only moderate success.)
So, back to the inaccessible B&J: GAME ON BITCH! I was gonna get that chocolate onto my spoon come hell or high water. PMS waits for NO frozen iceCREAM.
Finally, after digging at it and prying it away from the edge of the pint, I get some success. The spoon is in and the iceCREAM is slightly mobile, if not still a wee bit stuck.
With one final YANK I free the chocolate bliss from its wretched home and watch it go sailing through the air to land with an unceremonious splat on my kitchen floor.
Now, I don’t know about you, but my kitchen floor isn’t…well…clean.
As I refuse to clean anything in the kitchen and it all falls to the hubby, I can’t complain if the kitchen floor is gross. If I’m not willing to clean it, I also can’t bitch if it’s not clean.
I look lovingly upon my iceCREAM splat and say, “5 second rule!” I’m eating it and I don’t care.
I pick it up off the floor, analyze the 8 cat hairs and various other ickies now attached to it and decide that it’s worth the risk.
I remove all of the extra floor sprinkles now added to my piece of chocolate heaven and go to put it into my mouth.
Alas, my fingers are warm and with all the picking off of the ickies the iceCREAM has slightly melted and whoops! Through my fingers it falls again onto the floor.
But, eh, to hell with it. I cleaned it once, I can clean it again.
Now I’m back to removing cat hair and other Typhoid-carrying elements from my manna from Heaven. Finally, it looks clean enough to eat (well, sorta) and I pop that bite ‘o yumminess into my waiting mouth.
Mmmmmm…chocolate…mmmmmm…in love with Ben & Jerry. Wanna marry them…mmmmm… WHAT THE FUCK? Yep, there was a “what the fuck” moment while luxuriating in the chocolate bliss that is New York Super Fudge Chunk. I guess my iceCREAM picked up a hitchhiking pepper seed that had fallen to the floor a few days ago when the hubby was cooking Thai food.
Not sure how much you know about Thai peppers, but to say they are hot is like saying that Megan Fox or Chris Hemsworth (Thor) are just kinda okay looking–a tremendous understatement.
FIRE dammit! My mouth is on FIRE!
Yes, the iceCREAM did help it a bit as the cold helped numb my poor tongue. But whatever kind of pepper seed attached itself to my hunk ‘o hunk of burning dessert was bound and determined to survive.
My damn mouth burned for over a full day. Son of a bitch! Dumb floor. Dumb extra-frozen iceCREAM. Dumb pepper seed.
What…no “Dumb Jodi” in that list? Yeah, I should have been at the top of it! Single-dropped iceCREAM is bad enough. Double-dropped? I should have taken the second drop as a sign from God to just slowly back away from the chocolate. But since I don’t listen to anyone, including my own common sense, I had burny-tongue as my lesson of the day.
Well, actually, I didn’t learn any lesson. I’d still eat double-dropped iceCREAM if it was the last bite in the pint. I’m horrifyingly gross and I’m okay with it! 🙂
Oh my good God. Nothing is more entertaining than trying to watch my mom manage a smartphone.
Bless her septuagenarian heart, but I’m thinking a flip phone is really all she can handle without giving me gray hair. (Which, by the way, I got my FIRST FUCKING GRAY HAIR LAST MONTH! WHAT THE SHIT?! I’M STILL YOUNG DAMMIT! Of course, Mom told me to keep that fact to myself and never tell anyone, but I just had to share my horror. It was only one, so I’m going with the thought that it’s an aberration. Yep. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!) 🙂
Okay, so back to Mom. When she got her Samsung Galaxy 4 (my sweet sister got it for her) I knew she’d be overwhelmed, so I removed every possible button that she could touch that might have her accidentally ordering a car or creating a twitter account. God forbid!
I also taught her how to use only those things that were relevant to her daily life (calling, texting and emailing). She wanted to know, “What does that button do? What about that one? That button looks pretty…” Me: “Don’t look at the pretty buttons Mom. You don’t need them. They are bad and will immediately electrocute you and cost Becky (my sister) $3,000 if you touch it.” Honestly, I removed every dang button I could and got her down to one homescreen as swiping is such a foreign concept to her that it hurt my brain.
Now, keep in mind that for a great deal of my life I’ve been a trainer in one way or another. Whether it was via live TV, in person, on video or writing training documentation, I can train like a MO FO. I can pretty much train anyone on anything. Seriously, it’s one of my few talents. But nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, can ever prepare one for training their 74 year old mom how to use a smartphone.
To show you how adorable and tech-challenged my mom is, I want to share with you the first texts she ever sent me on her new Galaxy. Knowing that she wouldn’t like typing out a text I taught her how to use the voice recognition. This phone has the best voice recognition of anything I’ve ever experienced. I love it and use it all the time. Occasionally it’ll come up with something whacky, but usually it’s spot on. Except with my mom.
Let me set the stage for this text: I was out of town on business and needed her help with some deliveries that were coming to the house.
This text exhange had me rolling on the floor laughing. I hope you enjoy it too. 🙂
ME: Hi Mommy!!!! I just got a notification that I got a delivery at the house today. If you go out tomorrow would you mind swinging by the house and putting the delivery inside for me? I sure would appreciate it. If you can’t though, don’t worry about it. 🙂
I love my little mommy. 🙂
I would call you but I’m still out at a late working dinner with my coworkers. LOVE MOMMY!!!
MOM: Jedi I just got your message I had my phone charging that I will absolutely get your package in your house tomorrow I love you I’m talking this out I hoe it is readable I love you BB T Queen Anne have a wonderful night and day tomorrow love you
MOM (two days later): Jedi I don’t know if this is working it keeps coming up and telling me that Google is up not working so anyway I’m trying to let you know that my rest cme out at 6 o’clock and it was so tough after even after 4 hours of cooking that I could not even hardly cut it with a knife to take a little tip piece f s*** and I took that little piece and stuck it in my mouth it was so test that its cleat when I get out Judit s like a noise that you could bake if yo were doing and research I wanted to let you know that there would be no its tomorrow but I can bring you a pizza
ME: You are so dang adorable. I love you for trying to make a frozen roast tender and yummy. Sweetest mommy ever. We would love a pizza tomorrow. Thank you. You are such a loving mama. 🙂 I have your Humectress. 🙂 Love you!
MOM: Baby jedi! That message is crazy and cut off before i finished! W
MOM (separate text): e’ll talk later in english ♡ ! Love mommy
ME: I love your crazy text. I giggled myself silly! Sweet dreams. Love mommy!
That woman is so damn cute and adorable I could hug her til she pops!!! The great thing here, and what humbles me, is that she knows how to make a heart in a text and I don’t even know how to do that! Now I’ll have to ask her to teach me something new.
It’s texts like these (and she did bring us a pizza the next day because she rules) that remind me how much fun my mom is. She may be 74, but she might as well be 30. She is sweet and loving and has such a good sense of humor about herself. Thank God for my mommy.
Well, off to bed I go! I hope you all have a great weekend and enjoyed my little mommy story. 🙂 HUGS!
I am so very excited to share with you that the ever-lovely Kris Keppeler has done it again! She has a fantastic podcast site and I am blessed to have had her give voice to one of my blog posts.
She took my, “Reasons I am NEVER cleaning ANYTHING again!” post and brought it to life. It is such a treat hearing her interpretation of my words, so I thought I’d share it with you guys too!
You can listen to her podcast by clicking here: KICK ASS!
You should definitely check out and follow her blog here: Awesomeness!
I’m also going to put it on the right side of my blog where her other Jodi-Post-Podcast can be found. Give me a day or two to reformat that part though as I’ve had my face buried in a computer for the last 10 hours and I’m starting to go both blind and crazy.
HUGE THANKS to Kris! It really does mean the world to me.
Image procured from: http://www.picgifs.com/clip-art/cleaning/19836/clip-art-cleaning-385513/