TIRADE TIME! Oh yeah, it’s ON! Don’t read if you don’t like cussing for the sheer fun of cussing. :)

Me at 4:00am

Okay people, I’m going to throw a fit here. A BIG, impolite fit. But before we get into the nitty gritty of said fit, those of you who know me know that there isn’t a mean bone in my body. I’m caustic, sarcastic and mouthy but only when being playful (well, 95% of the time). So, while I’m going to yell and scream and pitch a hissy, please know that if you fall into any of the categories of people I’m about to rage about that I still love you and mean no harm. It’s just that what I’m going to whine about has happened 5 times in the last 2 weeks and I’m DAMN sick and tired of it. So please forgive me ahead of time. How’s that for a disclaimer? 🙂

Let’s start out by me sharing with you that I’m a night owl. Always have been. Always will be. When I was old enough to sneak out of my crib I’d crawl down the stairs, turn on the TV and watch static in the middle of the night. I’ve hated mornings since birth and wish that I never had to be up before noon. Of course, I always have jobs which make me get up at the crack of dawn. ICK! It just ain’t right!

When I was young, my wonderful mom let me sleep in late on the weekends. She wasn’t one of those “You’re wasting your life in bed!” type moms. Thank God. She understood that my body clock works on a different schedule than a lot of people’s. I just start being creative and perky around midnight. As I got older and moved out on my own, for whatever reason people started calling earlier and earlier in the morning to chat about their drunken adventures the night before, their despicable boyfriend and his weird sexual habits, or just to say, “What’s up?” WHAT’S UP? WHAT’S UP? I’m fucking sleeping, that’s what’s up. Unless someone in your immediate family is dead, you are in the hospital or my house is on fire, don’t fucking call me before 2:00pm. I care about nothing and no one before early afternoon on the weekends. Unless it’s an emergency, shut up. Period.

Once I moved to Arizona it got even worse. Because stupid Arizona doesn’t do stupid daylight savings time, we are 3 stupid hours behind the East coast (where I’m from) for almost 8 months a year. What does this mean for people like me? That people, be they friends or business associates, DON’T FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO THE TIME DIFFERENCE and call and text me starting at 5:00am. I’ve usually only been asleep for an hour or two at that point, and only because of an over the counter sleep aid as God doesn’t seem to want me to sleep like a normal person. So when my phone makes a noise because someone has rudely thought “Well, I’m up. Why shouldn’t everyone else be up?” I want to smash it with a hammer and then drive/fly to whoever has disturbed my impossible-to-get sleep and smash them with a hammer too.

These early morning calls were even worse when I was deejaying at a club. I didn’t get home from work until 3:00am, and I was all hyper at that point and didn’t get to sleep until 6 or 7 am. Then my phone would ring at 9:00? What the hell? Everyone knew I worked until the middle of the night. What on God’s green earth could be so monumentally important that I needed to know about that early in the day? NOTHING DAMMIT! NOTHING!

It got so bad that I eventually put a song on my answering machine instead of a personal message (yes, I’m old–I’m sure you youngins’ probably don’t even know what an answering machine is) to announce to the world that they should not call me early. It was a tune called “Up all night, sleep all day” or something like that, by the band Slaughter. (Side note: Stupid band name, but the singer and drummer were easy on the eyes!) 😉 So, instead of hearing me say in my chipper little voice, “Hi! You’ve reached Jodi. I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now, but if you leave me your name and number I’ll get back to you as soon as I can, ” they’d instead hear a blaring heavy metal song that essentially told them to STOP FUCKING CALLING ME IN THE MORNING!

I realize I may sound awful here, but think about it this way, especially if you are a morning person: what if I called YOU at 1:00am to tell you about the great sushi I had for dinner? There you are, all snuggled into your bed, finally asleep and I call you to bullshit about nothing and then you can’t fall back asleep ever. You are done. You are awake until the next night when you crawl your morning-person-ass back into bed at 9:00pm. Would that suck? Yep. It would. You would think I was a horrible, selfish douche bag. Then why is it acceptable for people to do that to me?  Your 1:00am is my 8:00am.

Do I wish I was a morning person? Yes.

Have I tried to be a morning person? Yes.

Has it ever worked? No.

Am I sick as shit of people saying, “Your sleeping your life away…  I get more done by noon… You’re missing out on the world… You’re lazy, get out of bed…” YES! I’m sick of it!

Luckily, even though I have a morning person hubby who is voluntarily out of bed by 6:30 am even on the weekends (WTF???), he understands my insomnia and sleep issues and is silent as a mouse when I’m asleep. His considerate ways get him many, many brownie points. 🙂 Right now, he’s been asleep for 5 hours. It’s 3:19 am and I’m bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. If I never saw the sun again and could exist only in moonlight, I’d be good to go. Stupid, overly-bright sun. Yuck. Oh, and I too am silent while he’s asleep. Consideration goes both ways in our happy home.

So, may I just say, if you are a morning person, and lord it over other people’s heads like it makes you special, shut it. It’s not nice to be a prick about the fact that you love getting up early. Good for you. I’m glad your body clock works normally. But some of us suffer from hideous insomnia and a reverse body clock and have had to endure going to work and school for 35+ years at the crack of dawn when doing so is as unnatural to us as you going to work at 2:00am. Wouldn’t that suck, you morning people, if you had to get up and be all happy and chipper and at the office at 1 or 2 am? That’s how I feel having to be at work at 7:30 or 8. It’s simply awful. But I do it. I’ve done it for a million years and I’m even nice to people that early. I don’t take my morning-hating-misery out on anyone else as that would be impolite.

Last but not least, and then I’ll wrap up my hissy fit, if you live on the East coast and have friends or business acquaintances who are towards the West coast, please keep in mind the time change. It’s just so awful when the phone rings before the birds are even chirping. The first thing I think is “Who’s dead or dying?” Not a nice way to wake up after a mere few hours of sleep. Especially, since once I’m up, I’m up. I can rarely get back to sleep and all I do is lay there and plot how to kill you and not go to prison.

And for those of you who are thinking, “put your phone on silent or don’t bring your phone into the bedroom” I don’t have that option as I want to be available to my sweet mommy if something comes up in the middle of the night. I’m not so selfish as to be unavailable to people who may actually need me for something real and important. And why should I have to leave my phone in the other room just because other people are rude??? That is total shit.

Whew, I’m exhausted!!! That is over 40 years of pent up hostility regarding living in a world where night owls have to suck it up and adjust to everyone else’s schedule. I feel so much better. I hope I haven’t made you all so fuming mad you could kill me. Really, this wasn’t a “Bash the morning people and East coasters” post. It was a “Bash the morning people who think everyone should be on THEIR schedule and inconsiderate East coasters” post. So, if you aren’t a dick about it, then this doesn’t apply to you at all and we can still be friends. 😉

Okay, I’m done. I wish I could say I was sleepy and heading off to bed, but I think a round of Angry Birds is calling my name (DAMN THOSE FRIGGIN’ ANGRY BIRDS!!!!). 🙂